Why Relationships Fail.
Riv , 2011/02/02 16:56

I already wrote why I dislike Valentine's Day, but Valentine's Day is really a small kink in a much bigger picture; that picture is relationships. Love, romance - these are nice things on paper. From youth we're told through family movies, fairy tales, and various other forms of media that the happy ending is "true love."

From the time we start to desire the opposite sex (or if you're EdWood, the same sex), we then seek this supposed happiness. What we find instead is the very bitter, harsh reality.

It does not work that way in the real world.

This is true love. Think this happens every day? Hell no, that's because people are fucking retarded and fuck everything up.

Growing up one of my all time favorite romantic movies was The Princess Bride - I don't think there was a more pure "true love" story when I was a kid. I was naive and I wanted that - I wanted to be the hero, marry the princess, all that stupid shit. Instead I ended up wasting a lot of time, energy and heart with people that didn't give half a shit about me compared to how I felt for them. I'm going to look at now the top reasons why relationships head for failure.

Cheating

This is the big one. We live in a society where 60% of men cheat. Women, don't try to ride the high horse here, because statistically 50% of women cheat in society as well - it's not high horse you're riding - it's cock. These stats mean about 1/2 the people you date are cheaters - people who told you or will tell you anything to get what they want like a rehearsed statement, and then once they've gotten it use the same statement to get something from the next person. All you have to do is turn on daytime television and see how many paternity tests and bastard kids are out there to know that people's cocks and pussies have gotten out of control.

Even the president is staring at someone else's ass that isn't his wife. Typical Democrat?

The problem isn't just the relationship where you get cheated on, however - the problem is that after that you can never fully trust a partner in your life ever again. Why? Because no matter how much that person's intentions might NOT be to fuck you over, you will have a "I heard it all before" mentality. My current relationship is EXACTLY LIKE THIS - a fucking Cold War between two people who have been fucked over and therefore waiting around to see who is going to fuck over who first.

When Who Will Cheat First virtually becomes a staring contest.

And that's another issue - the cycle of abuse kicks in. Suddenly it's "do unto them as they'd do unto you but do it first." I'd reckon that half the cheating in this world isn't even deliberate cheating as much as "fear" that they were going to be cheated on, or assumption that they were going to be cheated on so they flew off the handle and did the same. Or the other end of the spectrum is you get suspected of cheating and the partner has such little faith in you that you finally say "fuck it, they think I'm cheating ANYWAY, so I might as well since they obviously have no faith in what I'm saying." There's no worst feeling to an honest man than being accused or treated like he is dishonest - and that's what happens as a result of so many liars, cheaters, and bullshitters - no one can trust anyone because it's like we live in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Only you think your girlfriend or boyfriend is FUCKING ALL FORTY THIEVES BEHIND YOUR BACK.

The winner gets to fuck the chick on the bed... behind his wife's back of course.

That said, if you've ever cheated on anyone, congratulations. You've pretty much created one giant fucked up Butterfly Effect. And I don't mean that movie with Ashton Kutcher where he gets molested by the guy who played Rocky Dennis in MASK as a kid in his basement.

He gets to fuck Amy Smart later so it balances itself out.

Lack of Sex

"Al Bundy: I don't want to have sex with you, Peg, you're my wife for God's sakes!" --Actual Quote from Married with Children.

Sexuality is human. Get this through your fucking head. People want SEX. There's a reason the media uses it to sell everything from CDs, to cars, to candy in this day and age. That said if you're in a relationship and you're NOT HAVING/NOT GETTING SEX it will ultimately fail.

That's because of the one thing I agree with in those stupid man-hater books I reviewed some time ago - men reach a loaded state and they become absolutely fucking miserable when they can't reach a release. For women, since men are supposed to ALWAYS want sex, if they're not getting them it makes them feel like shit about themselves or like you absolutely have no desire for them whatsoever. The problem is this:

If people are sexual beings, and you're not having sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend, you are having sex SOMEWHERE.

This means scroll above to the section of this article labeled "cheating." There are very few relationship problems that can't be solved with sex. It's not sleazy. It's not scummy. It's fucking honest because at the end of the day your boyfriend (SHOULD) want to fuck you, your girlfriend (SHOULD) want to get laid by you, and if they don't then clearly there's trouble in paradise.

Above: Trouble In Paradise. Lack of sex feels about the same as being kicked in the head by Kofi Kingston, and has similar entrance music: S.O.S. THEY AREN'T FUCKING! S.O.S. THEY AREN'T BONING!

Men are far more guilty of this than women but women do it too. This is the point in the relationship (usually marriage) where a person goes "I got my partner, I did what I wanted to do now I'm going to gain 50 pounds, stop romancing them, and sink into a really boring, dull repetitive routine where there is no fun to be had." When you stop using what brought you to the dance, you get kicked out of the dance hall, so complacency is probably the worst of the worst. It's the point you stop going out on dates - the point you stop spending quality time together. The point where you say four words at best to each other a day.

"So what did you do today honey?"
Nothing.

Oh and the sex stops too. If the sex has stopped scroll up to the section entitled "Lack of Sex." From there, a portion of that section suggests you scroll up to the section entitled "Cheating." In other words all of it is a chain reaction THAT ULTIMATELY LEADS BACK TO CHEATING WHICH IS THE NUMBER ONE TOPIC ON THIS LIST. If you don't want to be cheated on, stop treating your partner like an old trophy that you've now put in a case on display. Take them out, have some fun with them both at home under the covers or out on the town. They didn't get with you because you were a boring miserable slob, so the best advice is to not BECOME a boring miserable slob.

Just because Homer Simpson and Marge seem like a happy couple doesn't mean you should EVER try to become the real life equivalent of Homer Simpson. Women, this goes for you too. If YOU start looking like Homer Simpson, obviously no man is going to want to fuck you.

D'OH! or is it "dough?"

Put Up or Shut Up - What the Hell Do You Want?

Another big reason relationships fail is people would rather beat around the bush than to say what they really want OUT of the relationship.

Do you want the house, the dog, the kids, and the white picket fence? Do you want to have an exciting thrill ride that feels like it never ends? Do you want truth, justice, and the American way? Do you want sex? Do you want space? Do you want to go to the movies? Do you want me to do the dishes? Do you want Taco Bell? Wendy's? Olive Garden? I mean fucking really, if people wouldn't beat around the bush and clearly state what they want out of the situations they are in it would save people the time, trouble, and heartbreak of playing what feels like a glorified version of "Deal or No Deal."

Basically if you don't make up your fucking mind, it just leads to confusion, complication, complacency, lack of sex, and cheating, so ultimately being indecisive and not figuring your shit out is going to cause bad shit to happen. You do not have unlimited time to think before the buzzer. If you don't state what you want it's common God-damn sense you won't get it.

Ultimately the reason relationships are so fucked up in the 21st century is because we're still clinging onto the belief that everything is perfect in a world of flaws. We're also a bunch of lazy assholes unwilling to work together, compromise, or stop playing fucking mind games because we're all running around doing what the media told us - and thus too busy or shallow or uncaring or apathetic to do anything to REMEDY those flaws. And finally, because we as a society have fucked one another over so many times so often that EVERYONE in the world is carrying emotional baggage. The problem is no one wants to accept responsibility and no one wants to make a change for the better - only for the worse, flying around like crazy ass kamikaze, emotionally suicide bombing one another and not giving a shit about the fiery carnage left behind in our wake.

Relationships should be simple. Me personally? Give me respect, honesty, positive attention, good conversations, and an orgasm, and I'm happy. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Because if you're in a relationship right now and it's not - fuck Valentine's Day, it's time to cut your losses and do something better. No wonder so many people have sex without attachment these days and decide to just go out and have sex with sluts.

Go, sluts!

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com