R & B (Riv & Beer) - Realtime Edition! Riv , 2010/09/11 21:56
This is the before picture.
Welcome to a new concept I'm experimenting with. While I, Riv, have done the "__ Beers With Riv" series of articles, I am now trying a different approach for the first (perhaps the only) time which is doing them in REAL-TIME. The article is already published to the site and after every beer it will be updated so you'll have to keep checking back to this article throughout the night as I get progressively drunker, meaner, more random, less coherent, and ultimately (and very likely) pass the fuck out.
Beer #1
People often ask me "why Corona?" Umm... look at me? I'm Hispanic and I'm not classy enough for Dos Equis unless I am wearing a suit. I prefer my wife-beaters and stupid little X-Men Dogtags (yes, I'm a grown man who wears an X-Men necklace).
And before you ask - yes my hair always looks like something out of one of the Tekken videogames. As for the wife-beaters and sweats look, I was rocking it long before those bootleg douche-cunts on Jersey Shore were running around with the stereotypical look. I was born and raised in New York City and I feel that the obsession with that show is an embarrassment to the fucking Tri-State area.
It amazes me what people call "entertainment" these days. Maybe I'm just getting old, as I hurdle towards the big 30. I personally enjoy things with explosions, death, blood and guts. Rambo IV on Blu-Ray comes to mind as the extended edition has more gooks being blown up than the theatrical version and in even more spectacular of a fashion. And while we're talking about Stallone - fuck - give that man credit. He's still making movies about killing shit dead in his fucking 60s and he's still good at it. Whether it's Rambo or the Expendables you're in for a treat especially if you need some bloodlust to raise your fucking testosterone levels. And drama? If you actually are male and need drama you are probably gay go watch any of the Rocky movies, and even Rocky Balboa where Stallone somehow managed to pull off eloquent monologues despite the fact he sounds like a motherfucker with cotton in his mouth at the dentist office. I have to give Stallone props for staying true to his nature and not becoming a fucking politician. Now that's an Italian to respect, not these Jersey Shore fuck-clowns.
I think if everyone who willingly enjoyed an episode of Jersey Shore was executed the "average intelligence quotient" of the entire country would increase over night. I'm serious. Execute them. All of them. Even you (if you willingly follow Jersey Shore on a regular basis I am sorry you need to be killed for the greater good of the general populace). Most of the retards who watch Jersey Shore can't even tell you where New Jersey is on a map or will mistakenly tell you "it is in New York." Fucking idiots. I'd tell all of them to kill themselves but somehow they'd find a way to fuck that up I am relatively certain. No wonder all of Europe and Asia hate us.
Oh well at least we have a higher life expectancy than the average motherfucker in Africa. On that note it's time to check on the next drink.
Beer #2
Speaking of life and death and life expectancy, you can only count on Riv to live a few more years (and I'm sure my enemies are cheering). No I don't have cancer. No I don't have AIDS. But what I might very well have is the "Curse of 11/27."
For those who don't know I share a birthday with creative geniuses like Bruce Lee and Jimi Hendrix, both of whom died at a young age. It's very possible a demon wants to get me and that I won't see 40. Therefore the Riv's going to live it the fuck up for the next five or so years and if Death comes knocking I might piss in his face. I think I mentioned this last drunken article but there is something about booze that makes you think of your own mortality - especially if you end up headfirst in the toilet the next morning.
I just hope if a demon comes for me, it's the Demon Lasciel from the Dresden Files. For those of you that haven't read the Dresden Files there's a point he's haunted by a pretty sexy little demon that gives him pretty immense super powers in addition to his own wizarding skill. All she wants is his soul - well maybe. Either way I wouldn't mind sharing my body with a demon if that demon were alluring and hot. It might at the very least make masturbation a lot more enjoyable. But while we're on the subject, those of you that are able to actually read those things called "books" and enjoy them, the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher are a pretty bad-ass read. Think about Harry Potter but with balls and for adults. No offense to the Harry Potter-loving community; hell I love me some Harry Potter (thanks to forced conversion by the women in my life however). But if you want some combination sorcery, detective story, and just good ol' fashioned fun, pick up the Dresden Files. Storm Front is the first book in the series - so there I saved you some Googling. Expect more on the Dresden Files in the future - I heard the show sucked, so I want to read the books, see the show, and find out for myself...
Also since we are on the subject of Harry Potter for the moment here is a photo of Emma Watson's twat. And fail on not shaving that pussy. That's -50 points from Gryffindor, bitch.
DISCLAIMER: I do not have a Hermione Granger fetish. And I'm probably the only straight male that watches Harry Potter who doesn't. Now for those of you who enjoyed that I'm going to ruin it for you by reminding you of the simple fact that it's because of the 4th Harry Potter movie that the douche from Twilight exists.
At least he fucking died in that film. Makes me feel better being able to watch that smug cunt die on demand. On that note it's time to get another beer.
Beer #3
Oh well at least if I have to die young I can at least hope to die an attractive corpse. In fact my corpse might even be considered... DASHING!
I actually also have to thank Kiss for suggesting the Dresden Files. We were actually in a book race on them where if I lost I had to become the exclusive "property" of Miss Kiss live on the air, up to and including singing female wrestler entrance themes on YouTube and wearing a pink shirt denoting me as property like Kaval.
I'm not going to lie, that's such an awesome shirt for a pink shirt that I would buy it and wear it all the time. I almost wish that I lost the book race so that I could wear a variant of it. Unfortunately it was thrown because I was being an "asshole." I can explain that though; I believe I was possessed by negative energy. I explained this in blog on Facebook actually (and you should also be following me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/realjasonrivera ) . Basically I think that if you own gifts or objects that were given to you or belong to someone who dislikes you and wishes harm upon you, that bad things will happen to you. And since a former JasonRivera.com staffer wishes ill upon me this was the case. And the objects emanated a negative energy that made me a miserable pain in the ass. You know, kind of like Peter Parker in the 3rd Spider-Man film when he became an emo motherfucker.
God that movie was fucking pathetic. Fuck you Tobey MacGuire. In fact fuck you twice because that movie Brothers sucked dick too. Anyway, I got rid of the negative energy objects and I am now myself again, Your Friendly Neighborhood Huge Internet Superstar, Awesomest of the Awesome, Internet God, Highlight of your Saturday Night, the Incubus of the Internet. And as for the movie about Jews, Scat Porn, and old copy of Hamlet the person who wished ill upon me had sent, they are in the garbage and soon I am sure someone who hates me will take them and become the ultimate Anti-Internet Superhero and come to kill me just like Venom.
As of this time it is also now midnight and my insane superstitious ass is about to read you MY horoscope, but not yours because I have a huge ego like that.
Would it have killed them to spell "you're" correctly?
Don't fix what isn't broken, Sagittarius. You may feel inclined to push and push and continue seeking out ways to perfect something. But nothing is truly perfect. What you have already strategized is quite good, and will most likely see you through to success. With a sibling or close family member, be as gentle as possible when offering your critique. Not everyone is as talented as you at a domestic-related skill or talent. Try to grade on the curve when assessing someone's work. To do otherwise could be hurtful.
You KNOW it's bad when even your own horoscope tells you you're an asshole! Time for more drinks!!!
When this article started it was also 9/11. 9/11 is regarded as the greatest tragedy on American soil. I disagree. John Cena making another movie is the greatest tragedy on American Soil.
First of all, what do you mean that's not Meryl Streep? Oh that's a bootleg version they use when Meryl Streep is too expensive to hire? Thought so. And Danny Glover? I thought that motherfucker legitimately died after the original Saw was filmed. WWE has begged us to watch this cruddy film on every one of their broadcasts for about two months, and turned up the heat heavy on Twitter and on their programs this week to the point of getting basically every active wrestler on the roster to tweet and tell us it was a good movie. I recently opened an "article submissions" contest here on JasonRivera.com and I am BEGGING SOMEONE to enter it and review Legendary in a creative and amusing way. Hell, I'm begging you guys to enter the contest to begin with; we actually have quite a few readers who are more than capable of writing amazing articles. Most of them are chicks, however - maybe our contest will be all-Divas like NXT.
I want to fuck AJ Lee. I hadn't said it lately. Mainly because of the fear my girlfriend will manually remove my cock. Now onto female wrestlers I don't want to fuck: Becky Bayless. Mainly because she's had so much cock that her AIM screenname is MySushiBaby - probably because her twat smells like fish and the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin.
The reason she has a Jersey Shore gimmick is because she is as trashy as any of them. If you have $20 and a six pack of beer you can get head. Actually I have 8 beers left, but I don't want chlamydia.
WHOA-OA, YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE & MIRRORS! Oh... umm... oops! My bad...
Anyway back to 9/11. It sucks that it happened. As a born and raised New Yorker, I took it a little personally when it happened that a bunch of motherfucks who haven't heard of Gillette Fusion and live 50 years behind the time when it comes to human mental evolution blew up the Goddamn Twin Towers. Yes it sucks that it happened. It's disgusting that it happened. But I'd rather not keep talking about it, which is almost glorifying what happened to those people. "Never forget" is right; I'll never forget because I have to get almost butt-ass-naked at the airport ever since it happened. Isn't that enough? The mind dwells on the negative events of the world and of life and all it does is breed additional negative energy. I thrive on positive energy. It's thinking about my negative past that puts me in bad, shitty moods - why give it power? So next year instead of reminding us 24 hours a day on television that a bunch of motherfuckers who don't bathe or shave their balls took over some planes and tried to destroy America, let's all watch some reruns of the Smurfs instead.
I bet they're gonna run a train on Smurfette. I need another beer to endure the mental picture of that.
Beer #5
A lot of people ask why Riv's almost always seemingly wearing sunglasses. I'm not going to give the cheesy "my future is that bright" answer. But I am going to say some of the best villains ever worse sunglasses when it wasn't appropriate.
The Terminator.
Agent Smith
Heel Shawn Michaels.
Wesker.
That said as one of the ultimate baddies of the Internet (which I am as you can tell by most of my articles), I think it's a given that sunglasses are part of the ensemble. And my particular aviator-style sunglasses make me look like a fuckin' dictator, which if you pay attention to the JasonRivera.com Forums I am. However if you're not paying attention to the JasonRivera.com Forums you fucking suck. We have shit like Mafia games and whatnot. Lately it's been kind of a ghost town because of a lack of participation so this is my moment to tell you that you should go watch Legendary, starring John Cena in select theaters this Friday join my fucking forums, post, talk about your projects, talk about my projects and be fucking social. No one's asking you to make it your life; it's a melting pot of people from various other communities, but you should join it... mainly so I can ban you for taking too fucking long because if you've been reading this site you should be a part of it in the first place you fucking twats.
I guess some people would question the darker side of Jason Rivera due to the fact that I've been off my A-game for about a month or so. But I'm back, I'm vicious, I'm full of testosterone, I have a boner only my woman can cure and I'm drinking some fucking BEER. However, I can actually come up with a few times men are allowed to be emo or cry. Very few.
Optimus Prime dying was my first experience with death and it still fucks with me to this day. I will turn on some fucking waterworks every fucking time that I see this scene in the 1986 cartoon movie. it doesn't make me less of a man. Optimus Prime was more important to me than Jesus in 1986. He's still more important to me than Jesus. At least when Optimus Prime came back from the dead he came back with a rifle and the voice of Petter Cullen. Jesus? Not so much.
The Terminator dying - Terminator 2. I KNOW NOW WHY YOU CRY. I fucking bawled at that. I don't think any kid growing up watching Terminator 2 DIDN'T want their own personal Arnold Schwarzenegger robot to run around and shoot everyone that didn't agree with them in the kneecaps. I was inconsolable. Arnold was fucking badass.
Patrick Swayze going to Heaven after killing Carl in Ghost. Actually... I have no idea why this is here. No, you know what? I cry during that scene. Fuck you. Don't you dare fucking judge me. I hate all of you. And I need more beer.
BEER 6
Beer 6 is brought to you by NXT Season 3.
Hey at least they're not playing "Wild & Young" anymore. Did I mention I would have intercourse with AJ Lee? Oh, I did? Well. I would have intercourse with AJ Lee. If I were single and she were willing. I love my girlfriend too much to cheat. Despite anything Man-Hater Books would have you believe - as there are actually still honest men out there. Like me. El hombre honesto. Jason Rivera.
HELLO! MY NAME IS JASON RIVERA! BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT!
I look good in a fucking suit. But yeah I believe that men can stay faithful to their women although I do feel that if the world had more orgasms it would be a better place. I wouldn't have to look like this in the morning.
I look good with a fucking boner. But here's an example - how many of you have seen the movie "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" starring Jack Nicholson? Remember the stuttering kid, Billy Bibbitt?
Once he had an orgasm with a woman, his stuttering problem went away. That is proof an orgasm is a cure all. If I had a grenade thrown at me and my legs blown off in a battle, screw giving me a cigarette before I die - give me a fucking orgasm, one last spooge. That's all I want before I fucking go into the great beyond to take away my pain.
Speaking of spooging and women and all that, I have JUST RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM THE GENERAL GIRLFRIEND.
She says and I quote "you're fucking drunk and my BFF says you better not drunk-dial and interrupt our hanging out or she will cut your cock off with a machete and you will NOT go on to Night of Champions."
it even made the Apple I-Phone text noise... even though I have an Android phone. :-( It's time for more beer.
Beer #7.
So it turns out I botched this week on EdWood and I's weekly radio show, Asked & Answered this week (our radio show which we do every week on Thursdays at 11 p.m. EST on Blog Talk Radio) and only sent EdWood half of the questions. I'm sure many listeners felt ignored and I am sorry for that. However I also feel that some of these questions might get stale if left alone, so here I am doing what I call the A-Double-Drunk. It's like the KFC Double Down only less likely to give you a heart-attack. Also I'm usually either buzzed or drunk during most A-Doubles anyway.
How often do you "bash the bishop?"
Depends on how sexually excited I am throughout the week which entirely depends on my girlfriend so not often these days because I'm in the doghouse with her lately.
Riv, do you have girl problems? And if you don't what are your problems if you have 99 problems and a bitch ain't one? - Unrealnils
My girlfriend is like me - the awesomest of the awesome. So she's not a problem but most of my problem stem from the root of all evil - money. There's never enough of it to to get the things you want to accomplish accomplished.
Riv - we hear your birthday is around the corner. What do you want for your birthday?
Multiple orgasms and to get to level 85 in World of Warcraft: Cataclysm.
If you want to hear more answers to more questions you ought to join us on Asked and Answered every Thursday. Also if you want to ask us more questions feel free to do so on Formspring at www.formspring.me/AandARiv or you can ask us on JasonRivera.com Forums and by saying "if you want to" I am DEMANDING it since you fucks don't participate near as much as you should. In fact if you don't:
IF YOU DON'T START PARTICIPATING I WILL SEND JOE HENNIG TO YOUR HOUSE TO START CUTTING SHITTY PROMOS AND BORE YOU TO DEATH BECAUSE THIS IS THE START OF THE BEGINNING OF THE GENESIS OF THE ERA OF MICHAEL MCGUILLICUTTY!
I guess it could be worse. He could be TitusNXT... but Joe Hennig's promos make me need another beer so I will be back with another shortly.
BEER #8
Speaking of girlfriend BFFs threatening to cut me with a machete I have not seen the movie Machete yet.
I hear the movie is bad-ass. I also see that it has Michelle Rodriguez who I'd bang while AJ Lee ran the camera and Linday Lohan apparently has full-frontal in it because she's a fuckin' cokehead. I also hear there are people swinging from intestines from it. Sounds like my kind of movie. I love random senseless violence. It gets my dick hard. Not as much as orgasms from a woman but close enough.
I wonder when Miley Cyrus is going to slut it up. Not that I want her to because I don't find her attractive but let's face it - a bunch of the pervs out there are wondering when Hannah Montana is going to get caught flashing some pussy, sucking some dick in public, or any of the other various things all the "wholesome celebrities" before her have done. While I don't care one way or the other $10 says she gets caught doing it to Billy Ray Cyrus her dad. Besides country singers allegedly love that incest shit because it's love for your family AND a chance to spooge so IT'S THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! OH YEAH!
The more drunk I get the more I actually LIKE that song. This is a sign someone needs to take my other 4 beers away. People ask me what the hell is wrong with me that I got 1000/1000 achievement points in Hannah Montana for X-Box 360 but to be fair at least it wasn't a fucking First-Person Shooter. I'm a hardcore videogamer but I feel repulsed by the fact the majority of games these days are FPSes that require a hardcore amount of online-play in order to achieve anything. I'm already videogame-married to World of Warcraft - I don't need additional videogames to become full-time jobs.
A lot of Warcraft geeks jack their fuckin' dicks to Sylvanas Windrunner, the Dark Lady - I do not do that but I do admire Sylvanas in a platonic sort of way so I figured I would throw her in here. Isn't it sad that a lot of grown men sit in the chair with one hand on their mouse and the other on their dicks instead of interacting with other human beings in the real world and trying to form a real connection? I enjoy World of Warcraft, but if anything better to do turns up I do it. I guess that's why I like playing with Adventure Time of Jubei'Thos - A Horde Guild and the official guild of JasonRivera.com. Yes, Horde. Because I like playing Blood Elves. I'm not the Incubus of the Internet for nothing.
Fuck. I'm too buzzed up to really give a shit about you people so I'm callng it a night. Out of 10 you get a 5. I'm going to go watch action movies beside now which is important to me, moreso than any of you, of course orgasms are more important than action movies. But I'm not having one of those so... I have no idea what I am saying. Tell all your friends Riv is drunk right now and remember this if nothing else: My dick is 8 1/2 inches long. Good night everybody!
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