Hannah Montana the Movie (X-Box 360) Riv , 2010/09/06 13:56
This is an easy set of X-Box 360 achievements. If you're a woman this is adequate punishment for your gamer boyfriends when they do wrong by you.
I'm 29 years old, male, hetero, and playing Hannah Montana. What does that tell you about my life?
The look on the faces of whoever rings you out when purchasing this game. It's like that look Justin made when trying vegemite.
Phil From Gamestop: Why the hell are you playing that?
Riv: I have pissed a girl friend off. Now I must pay penance.
To be fair it wasn't her idea. However, I felt that to show her I was sorry for an argument we had I would endure the absolute worst of the worst. It's like in the movie/novel The Da Vinci Code when that Albino monk flogs himself, only instead of bleeding all over the place, I get to endure lots and lots of this:
My sperm count lowers every time I hear a Miley Cyrus song.
To be fair I had intended at some point to get a hold of and review this game for a long time, but I felt that it would be better to wait until Miley Cyrus was of legal age so that I could feel slightly less creepy and not end up getting chased by the cast of Law and Order Special Victims Unit.
Hannah Montana the Movie the videogame is exactly what you would expect: Every kid under 12's dream and every adult over 18's nightmare. It's a happy-go-lucky game filled with Hannah Montana songs that (I assume) follows the plot of the movie.
I really don't know much about Hannah Montana other than the fact that she's like a super hero only not - unless you count the fact she has the mutant power to make parents buy shit-tons of merchandise and crappy albums. Apparently Miley has a double life where during the day she is a normal farm girl whose father Billy Robbie Ray probably looks at her uncomfortably during the day with one hand a bit too far down his pants and lives on a farm where grandma cooks and she crushes on the hired help.
At other times she is Hannah Montana musical superstar. It makes me wonder if I should start wearing a blonde wig every time I write articles on the Internet. Naturally no one seems to notice Miley and Hannah are the same person even though facially they look exactly the fuck alike.
The game itself involves performing in front of a crowd as Hannah Montana and pressing timed button presses to correspond with the music. This is significantly easy to do, as you just hold down certain buttons during certain parts of the song to make her pose, or make gestures, or you press buttons as markings appear up and down the guitar or on the drums. Since this is essentially a kid's game the timing isn't difficult to master probably because they wanted children to actually play the game and not burst into tears.
If you've ever played most music games such as the innovative Parappa the Rapper on the Sony Playstation, then these types of games should be familiar to you and significantly easy.
Between performances however you become average mild-mannered Miley, and have to run walk around (that's right, she legitimately walks like she's just been fucked in the ass), and do things for other people (no not that you sick assholes) - you help build a chicken coop for Travis, the boy Miley is crushing on, and you go to stores and spend your piggy bank money on new outfits for Miley to wear in public and Hannah to wear in concert. It's like a big Barbie dress-up portion of the game, and no you cannot make her go out there wearing nothing, as much as some of you lunatics would probably like to try.
Can we cue a picture of Elliot Stabler again?
This man is coming for all of you. Honestly I wish they'd make a Law and Order Special Victims Unit videogame. It'd be a lot better than playing this crap and I'd never get tired of Ice-T's one-liners.
Despite the fact there's a lot of stupidity and Barbie dress-up-style madness, I really didn't start feeling the humiliation to my manhood truly until I had to play a mini-game where I had to ride a horse named "Blue Jeans" and jump over stacks of hay in the fields. There's just something immensely demasculinizing about that which makes me question my existence and utterly lose my will to live.
There are other mini-games as well including a few games at a carnival which are actually and surprisingly insanely agitating and difficult. You have a shooting/horse race carnival game for example. Personally I would have been more happy if they let me shoot Blue Jeans but I don't call the shots. You also have a game called "frog toss" which has you toss frogs onto lily pads with a mini catapult, but the worst of the worst in the games happens to be the "bottle toss" mini game where you have to take out strategically lined up bottles with beanbags. I had to have spent 5 hours trying to get this achievement. Yes. That's FIVE HOURS OF HANNAH MONTANA STRAIGHT. And the worst part? There's nothing straight about the achievement guide I had to consult, a creepy homosexual on YouTube named "Swagger" - no relation to former WWE World Champion Jack Swagger, at least I don't think:
We are all gayer for having viewed that video and listened to that guy. That guy makes Perez Hilton sound like the Alpha Male of the entire fucking universe. Of course who better to walk you through the bottle toss than a guy who is probably an expert at playing with balls & bottles? Why the fuck is this guy playing Hannah Montana anyway - and of his own free will at that? It gives me the fucking creeps.
All in all, there aren't many valid reasons to own Hannah Montana the Movie the Videogame unless you have kids or unless you're one deranged Internet Superstar in need of new review material who is also a glutton for punishment, whose girlfriend hates him at the moment and probably enjoys his suffering, and unless you are a complete X-Box 360 achievement score whore, as Hannah Montana the Movie is one of the easiest 1000/1000s you'll ever get except for maybe that bottle toss. However, it comes with a price.
Once a Hannah Montana song has been listened to it can never be un-listened to. It stays with you, playing on loop in your mind forever. Lesser men and women who have played Hannah Montana the Movie the Videogame have been driven mad by it. It takes a lot of discipline to survive this game without destroying your mind. So can you really handle the Hoedown Throwdown being trapped within your being forever?
Didn't think so.
However, if you can I can tell you this. It will make you more of a man. It's like surviving Vietnam, only you're more likely to retain your limbs and shit. I am Jason Rivera, and I am a Hannah Montana the Movie the Videogame survivor. Are you?
Catch you guys for more self-inflicted Huge Internet Humiliation whenever Justin Bieber gets his own videogame.