Marion is Fat Baby is TNA is Riv Riv , 2010/07/22 21:10
So Marion said because he is "sick," he can't recap TNA tonight. I have a feeling this is how it's going to work now that he lost the bet which contractually obligates him to be here. Need I remind you:
Yet here Marion has an illness and can't be here. What is this illness? Cancer? AIDS? No. I believe the illness is called "the ECW Originals" and he's trying to use every excuse in the book to escape having to recap this shit. If you haven't seen the finish to last week's TNA it was basically a huge schmozz where almost every ECW guy that isn't dead or working at a K-Mart somewhere came to the ring and had a huge brawl. After brawling with everything including COPS WITH FUCKING GUNS, Dixie Carter came down and told the TNA locker room she "invited them here," to which Al Snow (an ECW guy if you're keeping score), showed complete bewilderment and confusion despite siding with his ECW brethren. What amazes me about all of this is the gratuitous use of the letters E, C and W respectively despite the fact that WWE owns it.
Vince's lawyers must be hanging out in the sick-bed with Marion.
The name for these young, exciting, innovative, fresh extremists is apparently the RIOTMAKERS.
Was the name "Gatecrashers" taken?
Oh, wait, it was.
So here I am, recapping TNA even though it's not my show or my duty, and even though *I* WON the wager that Abyss would not be holding the TNA World Title nor dropping it to Hogan, who now thanks to a back injury is NOT going within 1000 feet of the belt, although I wish that a judge would sign that into law and provide a legal restraining order.
Again, let me remind you all:
Yeah. You're going to see that one a few times tonight. Marion, if you're reading this, I require a doctor's note.
TNA starts with a video package on Abyss, whom nobody likes. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - the reason he is named Abyss is because it feels like my soul has fallen into one every time he gets airtime - I feel like it's a void from which no hope can escape. Like the Dementors from Harry Potter or some shit.
DIxie Carter is going to explain why she invited ECW to TNA. Simple guys: So she can capitalize on all those unwashed sad fat miserable fucks that are crying about the fact ECW of old died due to Paul Heyman's poor business decisions and are still living in the 1990s and think that now, here, 20 years later that a Tommy Dreamer, a Raven, or a Sandman can still go.
Yes, this fat fuck. The average ECW fan living in the past.
Our show opens up with AJ Styles, accompanied by Kaz, once his enemy, now his new boyfriend. Even though AJ Styles claims he hates the Gay Community. This is a TNA Global Championship match and the Freak Rob Terry is out here to defend his title. He's the longest reigning global champion in TNA history and AJ Styles has a shot of ending that tonight. AJ goes for a low kick to try to chop the big man down; Styles is going to have to get Rob Terry the same size as him and to do that he has to get him down. AJ is being powered into the corner. Good to see TNA again focusing on their wrestling which is their strong point. Kazarian is a bit afraid of Terry as well in the corner. AJ is pretty much getting tossed around like a rag doll and the Freak uses AJ for a work out, pressing him three times before slamming him to the mat.
AJ turns his back on Rob Terry to focus on Kaz, but gets spin-kicked. Kaz continues his interruption which saves the match for AJ actually. Terry clocks Kaz and AJ almost gets a roll-up cheap victory, but still only gets a two on Rob Terry. Terry goes for a Vertical Suplex, but as he lands, Kaz humps the leg of Terry keeping him locked down, allowing AJ to cover him, and get a 3 to become your new Global Champion.
Tenay and Tazz want to talk about ECW. Tenay asks Tazz for the 5000th time if he knew about the ECW Invasion. Tazz again denies he is mafia involvement. Mick Foley was also here as part of that, probably summoned by Abyss' charisma vortex.
Up next Rayne and Sarita take on Taylor Wilde's Tits and Angelina Love (who looks like shit if you ask me due to an abundance of makeup and bad tattoos - she's like a bootleg Ashley). Earl Hebner before the match Drew McIntyre's Love and tells her she HAS TO hand the title back to Rayne. They fight. Everything gets chaotic, somehow Angelina gets the win. As she does Very-Obviously-Tara in her Baseball Mascot-sized Bicycle Helmet drives down, disproving the fact it's Sarita. The Beautiful People come out so clearly it's not Velvet or Lacey. Besides, Lacey is a Von Erich; would YOU put her on a motorcycle? She'd kill herself - it's simple genetic science. Madison and Sarita make a getaway on Tara's bike and Lacey is inclined to go with while Velvet wonders why the fuck her tag partner ditched her and Angelina and Velvet, the original Beautiful People stare down like two heart-broken lovers. It's obvious this is going to lead to the Old Beautiful People vs. the New Beautiful People, with Sarita/Taylor/Tara all hanging in the balance. Basically a bunch of dumb sluts.
Up next Kurt Angle vs. Hernandez. Fuck my life. Do I even have to tell you who is going to win? Do you seriously fucking think HERNANDEZ IS GOING TO END KURT ANGLE'S CAREER? If you do, kill yourself, you lower the average intelligent quotient of everyone who watches wrestling, and that says a lot.
Super Mex, sounds like Super Max and therefore reminds me of a Maxi Pad. I'd never say that to Hernandez's face because he looks like a Prison Rapist. Speaking of rape, did you know that Kurt Angle was accused of it back in college? Because Hernandez is out here I go to the kitchen and get some fucking tortilla chips. I hope this match is over by the time I get back.
Angle makes Hernandez tap with the ankle lock. What? You expected me to call that? What the fuck are you on? I shouldn't even be recapping this but someone decided to be a fucking baby about this:
Shut your fuckin' face, laughing baby!
Kevin Nash's theme hits and he hobbles his way down here. Isn't it kind of scary that Kevin Nash portrayed Oz in WCW and now his hair is as white as he used to dye it for that very gimmick? Big Kev wants Jeff Jarrett down here and mocks him by calling him "Double J," a nod to his shitty WWF gimmick as we hit commercials.
Jarrett comes out here by the time we get back. Why does "My World" play? Is it even Jeff Jarrett's world if he has no power in the company anymore? Nash puts over Jeff Jarrett on the mic and implies Sting dropped a log in the punch bowl. But not literally because that's not very Christian of him. Nash claims Jarrett is the one who did it and asks if Jeff Jarrett ate a lot of almonds before putting the log in the punch bowl. Does it matter? If there was a log in the punch bowl, Scott Hall ate it.
Jeff Jarrett doesn't understand what Nash is saying. Does Nash need to draw Jarrett a diagram of how taking a dump works? Jarrett begins to talk about Hogan, Bischoff, Waltman and Hall... Ugh, can't the nWo just fuck off?
Nash begins to ask Jeff Jarrett about his 3 little young daughters when they grow up and they get it that their dad is a selfish prick. Damn it, Nash. I was expecting you to say that when Jarrett's daughters come of age they have to give up their assholes and cherries to the Clique.
Backstage segment. There's been a few of these but nothing great. I haven't been covering it because these segments are filmed with all the quality of late-night infomercials.
I see this on Facebook and I fucking tank:
Seriously? He's too sick for TNA but he's well enough to play one of millions of Farmville rip-offs on Facebook?
I seriously hope he finds Balls Mahoney under his bed tonight.
Samoa Joe is out here and it is time for his match with Jeff Hardy. This is all part of Jeff Hardy's training for prison, where there are plenty of men the size, stature, and disposition of Samoa Joe, only they are naked and carry shanks and want blow-jobs. Jeff's going to have to get used to it. That's why last week he fought Jay Lethal, because Lethal always has a hard-on and Hardy has to learn how to fight black men with boners. Next week maybe they can make Jeff fight Hernandez and his training for prison will be complete.
Huge Hardy chant. He looks like he hasn't bathed in months. Maybe part of his strategy is to walk around and wear out the ten minute time-limit. Eric Bischoff is on the phone because TNA is good at doing what WCW used to do and not paying attention to the match at hand for other shit no one cares about. While Bischoff talks Joe fucking RAPES Jeff, beating on him, firing away, tossing him to the outside, slamming his head into the ring on the outside and being an aggressive angry fuck. Hardy is thrown into the stairs and rolls around on the ground. He tries to take Joes legs out from under him and slams Joe into the steps now. Joe is whipped into the ringpost. Hardy now shows some aggression of his own. He mounts Joe in the corner and goes for the ten punches - Tenay and Tazz miss all of this. Joe is now in a headlock by Hardy in the center of the ring but Joe reverses into a jawbreaker. Snapmare by Joe. Kneedrop by Joe. Domination by Joe. Joe chant starts. Sobat kick. Hardy is laid out in the center of the ring. Hardy chant starts; there must be a lot of drug users waiting to receive their product in the Impact Zone tonight.
Punches, chops. Joe better win this shit. Hardy now somehow turns it around with clotheslines, and his inverted enzuigiri. Jeff goes for a cover. 2 count only. Shit happens, Joe goes for a big boot and a senton - 2 count. Has it been ten minutes yet? Powerbomb. Joe has a crossface on Jeff. I start to lapse into a coma, and those chips I got during that Hernandez match make me need water. Whisper In the Wind by Jeff and both men are down. Bleh, I need a drink.
30 seconds remain as I do - I guess that means this is going to be a draw. I knew this shit was taking too long.
DRAW!!!
They continue to brawl after the match. I wish Joe would take a machete to Jeff Hardy. Backstage Dixie Carter and Jeff Jarrett are talking about random bullshit. We're told up next Anderson is taking on Matt Morgan. Fucking hell, that reeks of WWE developmental. I don't care HOW LONG AGO either man was in OVW or FCW or DSW or wherever the fuck, THIS MATCH REEKS OF DEVELOPMENTAL SHIT.
Fuck you, Marion:
I can't be the ONLY person who thinks Anderson is overrated as shit. The only reason he gets a pop is because he curses. Big whoop. I fucking curse like a goddamn motherfucking sailor and I don't get heralded as a motherfucking God.
This match gets underway and I hope Kennedy/Anderson/whatever gets injured on the way to the fucking bathroom. I can't really get behind Matt Morgan either. Is he a shitty big guy? No not at all, but he has and forever will have the stigma of being a big guy that didn't make it in the WWE which is "big guy heaven." Maybe if he didn't spend so much time masturbating with Mark Jinjack I could take him seriously. Tazz throws out a nod to his lover Michael Cole when he calls the offense of Matt Morgan "VINTAGE."
I want to know why when I look at the Blueprint Logo on Morgan's ass I think of Highlight Reel Chris Jericho's logo. Mr. Kennedy Anderson wins the match with the mic check. Why?
Johnny Landin: Anderson won cuz he was in WWE longer
Morgan strikes Anderson with the mic after the match with full strength and busts his head wide open and it's a gusher like a teen girl on her first period as we hit commercials.
Match 2/5 between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money. This is probably going to go all the way to 5 just so you know and it's overkill. Holy shit though, Sabin and Shelly go right for it. The crowd is going nuts. Oh, this is a street fight by the way. This is just rampant chaos and clusterfuck. How do you even call this match? It's like when you play Super Street Fighter II Turbo, set the speed to 8 and pick Chun-Li vs. Vega. Roode is destroyed by Sabin and Shelly after a running slide dropkick and a stomp. You would think a Street Fight favors Beer Money but they're getting their asses kicked like little redheaded step children.
Finally however, James Storm goes for the weapons. Suicide dive through by Sabin but he hits a chair headfirst - and Roode then uses the chair to take out the legs of Shelley. Shelley is now alone in the ring with Beer Money. This allows BM (Beer Money or Bowel Movement, you be the judge) to control the pace of the match. Shelley is almost pinned after James Storm hits the Codebreaker. Sabin's back in but Beer Money is still in charge. Flying missile dropkick from Sabin puts a chair into the face of Roode. Sabin is about to drop Roode but Storm spits beer in the face of Sabin and Roode hits a double-arm spinebuster. It only keeps Sabin down for a 2. Shelley comes back into the ring with a kendo stick. Jawbreaker as Roode tries to grab him and a clip to the face with the kendo stick. Roode flattens Brian Henber, the referee. Roode gets his head crushed with a trashcan to the face. Earl Hebner who is the ref on the outside also gets taken out. This is fucking chaotic but I love it despite Beer Money's continued existence. Unfortunately BM is back in charge. My first girlfriend's initials are BM, and she smelled like a bowel movement like Beer Money, too. The Guns have the pin but there are no referees. Storm breaks a beer bottle over Shelley's head and hits the last call superkick and by this time Brian Hebner is conscious and counts to 3.
There is no Christmas. Fuck Beer Money. And Fuck Marion for forcing me to feel the agony of the MCMG jobbing again.
Speaking of Tag Teams I hate, it's the Dudley Duds. They are arguing like an old married couple. Whatever. No one cares.
Interview with Rob Van Dam. He's never been that good on the mic. That's why they always stuck Bill Alfonso with him. He gives a shout out to both his ECW buddies and the Bo "fat fuck" Holbrooks of the world who won't let the ECW of the 90s die.
I don't care about anything Dixie Carter has to say about Hard Justice being an ECW-only Pay-Per-View so here is a video about the Android vs. the I Phone 4.
I pay even less attention because we have Mick Foley in one of Peggy Bundy's shirts, we have Rhyno looking like a guy who is going to bum smokes of Jeff in prison. We have Raven looking like someone inflated him with an air tubing machine. Tommy Dreamer, I don't even have to discuss, the failure that is Tommy is self explanatory. And we have Steven Richards, who only people who live in Appleton Wisconsin give a shit about. Oh and Dixie. Plenty of Dixie. Her name is Dixie because she probably sucks a lot of dick.
Hyping Tommy Dreamer makes me feel like I have to go take a shit. Maybe he will cry on the microphone again. You can even watch the love-handles in his ugly tight red shirt jiggle every time he moves. It's sad that this is not a WWE program, where he would be interrupted and forced to job to Jack Swagger immediately.
He starts crying again. Why does he cry so much? Is it because Wal-Mart Bakery is out of cake? He keeps crying and pissing and moaning, and honestly he makes me want to kill myself, so I'm going to cut this recap short because there is no point to anything this fat old man says.
Shut your fuckin' face, laughing baby!
