WWE Fires Danielson, is a TV-Y Rating NXT?
Riv , 2010/06/14 00:06

If you're a wrestling fan, you've probably heard about World Wrestling Entertainment's most recent atrocity of firing the American Dragon Bryan Danielson (a.k.a. Daniel Bryan) recently. The reason for the firing of Bryan Danielson was due to him taking part in a "gang attack" angle on WWE champion John Cena. "Gang attacks" are nothing new in wrestling. Whether it was done by DX, the New World Order, the Four Horsemen, Raven's Flock, or any of them it's pretty simple - basically a strength in numbers game that involves the decimation and destruction of one or two guys because they are severely outnumbered. See for yourself the beating that was given to John Cena and other ringside personnel. Daniel Bryan, if you don't know is the little man in the burgundy tights, choking and spitting on anything he can get his hands on.

If for whatever reason the video is removed, I apologize. Also I apologize for the rap music. It's the only full version of the beatdown I can find. I made several attempts to rip them and save them that failed (there is in fact a chance at some point the WWE copyright Nazis will wipe the video from the face of YouTube).

The crux of it is that Danielson was fired because choking people on television with their ties is reminiscent of the violent double murder suicide crime of Chris Benoit several years ago and is therefore banned from wrestling. Additionally, spitting on John Cena was seen as offensive, despite the fact Cena himself did not complain about any of this.

In fact, Cena's vouched for Danielson due to the fact he is very well liked and respected backstage, is not a troublemaker and conducts himself according to all the backstage rules and regulations World Wrestling Entertainment set forth, and this is what John Cena has to say on the matter, officially from his Twitter:

"I am very upset to hear about the release of bryan danielson. Social networks were formed so people would have a voice, and an opinon.

I Know you all have your own, theories and whatnot. I respect that. I have never asked any of you to feel a certaint way about me. But Bryan left a lasting impression on the wwe universe in a very short time, and although it came at my expense, I agree with the majority Of you who are caught off guard by this choice.

I know I'm not exactly appreciated by all, nor do I care to be, but I believe what I believe. I would like bryan to come back to the wwe.

I would like to sign your petition to bring him back. I was taught to stand up for what I beileve in. I tried and failed, so I could Use some help. Tell me how to sign and I will. If for nothing else, to at least have a chance to have a match with him after what was done

I know that seems a bit more fair. Give me a chance to have a fair match with him, and give him yet another chance to prove that he does Belong with us. Sorry for the long message, I know I am probally way out of line, I am sorry if I have offended anyone. But like me or not That is what Hustle. Loyalty. And most importantly Respect means to me. Enjoy game 5."

That is the FACE of the company telling us that he feels the same as we do - and like John Cena or not, I seriously fucking have to say I RESPECT the fact that he stood up for Daniel Bryan - I just hope it's not heard on deaf ears because being THE GUY in the company you would hope he has enough pull with the McMahons to right a serious wrong here.

But back to Danielson, he's been a model employee despite having only been on the roster a short time. Bryan Danielson on top of all this is an immersive talent. Anyone familiar with his work all over the world, and in Ring of Honor can tell you that his "not a WWE superstar" look is actually very deceiving - he might not be 6'6, 275 lbs. or covered in tattoos, or wearing a bright orange piece of MERCHANDISE, but he doesn't need to. Unfortunately for us Bryan Danielson is a wrestler playing a game of sink-or-swim in the sports entertainment world. He even touched up on this fact in an AMAZING promo that WWE actually seemed to have allowed on the air regarding this very problem in mainstream wrestling today:

Again, the WWE machine might try to erase Daniel Bryan from existence, so if that's the case again, I apologize.

The reason for this firing in WWE's eyes is allegedly two-fold. The speculation is that either or both of these things caused the release of Daniel Bryan from his contract:

Linda McMahon for Senate

WWE's contract with Mattel

Unfortunately World Wrestling Entertainment fell out with Jakks Pacific, former marketer and mass-producer of WWE action figures. They went with Mattel to follow up, a kid's company that also puts out shit like Barbie. This site's already had our wars with Barbie in other articles regarding the fact the toy is basically "advanced training to be a whore later in life." However, that's OK. What's not OK is doing non-kiddie-friendly things like choking people with ties, or being violent - not to Mattel. There are rumors high ups in Mattel got highly offended at Daniel Bryan's actions, because you know it's not like Batman didn't beat the Joker within an INCH OF HIS FUCKING LIFE in The Dark Knight in that interrogation room, nor is it wrong that Heath Ledger's Joker was kind of scarred, twisted, sociopathic and scary to children - HOWEVER, Daniel Bryan choking people is the most horrible thing since the Jews got gassed by the Nazis in World War II - at least that's what someone in Mattel seems to think.

Daniel Bryan did this. What a horrible person! Maniac! Maniac!

The bottom line and end result is this: Whether we like it or not gone are the days where THIS was acceptable on WWE television:

Could you imagine if Stone Cold was an in-ring performer today? They would demand he be fired, tarred, feathered, and apologized to God and Jesus. That's because WWE has lost its fucking balls. And that is unfortunate. Guys like Steve Austin picked their spots and made their names on carnage, on uncensored, unrestricted massacres on their opponents or innocent commentators that simply pissed them off - and it was one of those things that got him over. I'm not saying Stone Cold Steve Austin didn't have the tools to rely on his ability but I am saying that attacks like that got people talking. Imagine if he had to worry about NOT HAVING A JOB the next day? I said it in my drunken article posted last night, and I'll say it again that not everyone who watches WWE wants or expects the show to be a 2 hour living children's coloring book. I'm not saying everything needs to be destruction, but I am saying that when you want to make a statement, an impact, or put yourself over as a bad guy then it's PERFECTLY OKAY to be the guy decimating another man and all Daniel Bryan did was sell himself as the bad guy - he sold himself as the guy who John Cena, WWE champion is "not better than." While yes there are 7 other guys involved in the attack, the actions of Bryan Danielson turned it from an ordinary beat down to an incredible beatdown and I think he made people really care about what was going on because on one hand he acted like a vile heel (which is what he was told to go out there and do) and on the other hand for those smarter fans that are tired of the "same old shit," he gave us a reason to go "what's going to happen next week with this guy?" Now we won't find out because he's fired. The other 7 NXT rookies involved in the attack will probably continue without him, but being that he was probably the most popular in that group, to fire him and make heads roll over that is ridiculous.

What irritates me is it officially means the WWE I've been recapping has hit a new level of pure shit which will probably go to ANOTHER level of pure shit if Linda McMahon wins the election because once she's actually inside the Senate they're gonna tip-toe on eggshells even more to appease a bunch of suits in Washington. This isn't the McMahon Family I remember. I remember a cut-throat, ruthless McMahon family that wanted YOU to spend YOUR MONEY, not wanted YOU to spend money for YOUR KIDS ONLY. Now they've become Care Bears.

It just wouldn't be Vince McMahon without that 1929 Great Depression Haircut he's been sporting for the past 2-3 years.

We all knew it was toned down a few notches over the years, but I'm starting to wonder if this is a new era in WWE programming; why stop at a TV-PG rating? Let's sink a little lower, Vinnie. Let's see if we can ALIENATE anyone who has hit puberty and craves sex and violence! Let's shoot for TV-Y!!! I'LL HELP YOU!

PROBLEM: MARYSE IS TOO SEXY

I came.

The WWE Divas are tag-lined as being smart, sexy, and powerful. Well, we simply can't have that, can we, McMahons? That's not wholesome! Look at that woman! She's almost naked in that photo! It is completely unacceptable that the second I hear Maryse's entrance music I begin to feel my dick rise on just the PROSPECT of Maryse coming out here. Maryse, who calls herself the "Ultimate Sexy" and "The Sexiest of the Sexy" must be stopped before she causes some girl out there to learn how to SUCK DICK.

SOLUTION: PUT HER IN A GIANT PUMPKIN COSTUME

Looking at John Cena in his ugly shirts, the WWE loves the color orange to the point I think the McMahons fucking pee orange, so let's dress Maryse like a giant pumpkin. Take a look at that costume - we can sell that to the kids at Halloween. We can market it. Maybe we can take away her sexy Porquoi music and give her the music from like... Beetlejuice or something. Sure the Sexiest of the Sexy will be no more, but surely she can still capture the hearts of millions just by being allowed to speak on the mic, right? ...RIGHT? WHY AREN'T YOU AGREEING WITH THIS! THIS IS THE MCMAHON MACHINE AT WORK!!! THIS IS FUCKING FREAKIN' VINTAGE!!!

PROBLEM: MVP HAS A CRIMINAL RECORD.

It's been referenced on television that Montel Vontavius Porter, known as MVP, went to jail and is a felon. Shit happens. WWE has used it in various angles against Jack Swagger and the Miz and other competitors who have brought it up to use as ammunition against the beloved superstar. However, how can we condone fans that enjoy criminals? What can we do to re-invent MVP to be someone the kiddies can look up to? Sure we can never actually ERASE the record of what he did - but if we don't talk about it that should be enough right? No. Let's take it a step further.

SOLUTION: MAKE HIM WRESTLE IN A POWER RANGER HELMET.

Most Valuable Player? HOW ABOUT MOST VALUABLE POWER RANGER?!?! He already wears a power-ranger esque costume, but if we put a helmet of some sort on his head, WE CAN SELL MERCHANDISE! Maybe he will use a power morpher mid match to gain super powers that allow him to hit his signature and finishing moves. I can't wait for MVPR to fight Eye Guy at Wrestlemania 27 next year!

Not to be outdone, I have it on good authority Vickie Guerrero will be assuming the role of Rita Repulsa and become the manager of Eye Guy. And who will Eye Guy be played by? Sorry Dolph Ziggler, let's steal the last of your dignity!

But fear not, Nick Nemeth! Just when you thought your career couldn't get worse than "male cheerleader" or "golf caddy," your career will hit a new low never before thought of! But the kids will be happy!

But come now, all - we have more work to do PURIFYING THE WWE! On to you Phil!

PROBLEM: CM PUNK TALKS ABOUT DRUGS TOO MUCH

Sidenote: Why does it look like Luke Gallows has R-Truth spread eagle like Truth has a pussy?

SOLUTION: MAKE CM PUNK ANTI-SUGAR, CANDY, AND JUNKFOOD!

We change his name. "Punk" indicates something horrible. Let's turn him to CM Purity. He will stop this crusade against drugs and alcohol - and he will mention the things that are important to children but not good for them - Cupcakes, Cake, and Candy. CM Punk will fight against the three Cs, and also Mark Henry who will defend the fat people food. He can even maybe put a print of Strawberry Shortcake on his tights for emphasis.

SOMEBODY GUN' GET DEY FOOD ATE! SOMEBODY GUNNA HAVE A SNACK LATE! SOMEBODY GUN' GET DEY FOOD LATE! SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY CAKES ATE! EAT IT UP HAVE A SNACK EAT IT UP HAVE A SNACK EAT IT UP HAVE A SNACK EAT IT UP HAVE A SNACK!

PROBLEM: CHRISTIAN IS OVER WITH THE ADULT FANS AND WE DON'T LIKE THEM ANYMORE.

Christian is over with the fans, charismatic, good on the mic, and all around a decent talent. But what's talent in Kid Friendly WWE? Why is this guy even here? We don't need a sound athlete we need a gimmick to alienate him from those who love him further but on the same token promoting a very important set of values that we can sell to kids to prove that we LOVE AND CARE.

SOLUTION: TURN CHRISTIAN INTO A CHRISTIAN.

We make Christian into an actual Christian, put him in old school Jesus robes and have him chant bible verses at his enemies and smite them. We even Change his entrance music to this and over-expose his new gimmick to smite minorities evildoers such as Shad Gaspard and Chavo Guerrero because we all know people who aren't white holy are quite evil! This will lock in the WHITE SENIOR CITIZENS VOTE! LINDA MCMAHON 2010!

PROBLEM: RAW'S GENERAL MANAGER, BRET HART, OUT OF TOUCH WITH TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.

Bret Hart is popular with older fans, and clearly most of our new target audience wasn't even born until AFTER 1997 - Bret was already out of this company for YEARS! Why do we need to cater to the older fans and remind them of what kind of screw-jobby assholes we are to credible talent that has always been loyal to us? Surely they will revolt if they are reminded that WE SCREWED BRET just like eventually we SCREWED MATT HARDY (before he became a fat balding guy who screwed himself) and BRYAN DANIELSON! And we simply can't have these reminders because they might start chanting YOU SCREWED BRYAN YOU SCREWED BRYAN all night! We need to eliminate Bret Hart.

SOLUTION: FIRE BRET HART. REPLACE WITH A SOCK PUPPET.

The kids will LOVE the New and Improved Bret Hart - and the fans - well they are morons! They won't even notice Bret Hart has been replaced with a loveable new sock puppet with a high pitched voice that has loveable segments like COUNTING WITH SANTINO, and A B(rie Bella) CS! He can even sing songs while making all GM managerial decisions! How exciting will that be! Pink plastic sunglasses for everyone!!!

He will even have a PONY! How can you hate someone that owns a pony?

PROBLEM: WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CHARACTERS THAT THE KIDS CAN TRULY SEE EYE TO EYE WITH

In a world where we need to make dreams and capture imaginations, who can do this? Randy Orton is a sociopath, the Undertaker is a zombie, and Chris Jericho is an angry guy in a suit. Who do the kiddies have other than John Cena and Rey Mysterio? We need more mischief and whimsicalness! What do we do?

SOLUTION: MORE LEPRECHAUNS!

I apologize to anyone who is terrified of midgets.

WELL HORNSWOGGLE IS SO POPULAR LETS HIRE MORE OF HIM! We can have an entire faction of midget leprechauns running around causing all sorts of trouble like tripping people and stealing borrowing their title belts and accessories! We will make a whole faction! There can be seven of them like dwarves! They can hit the ring but instead of attacking John Cena, they will just GIVE HIM HUGS AND DANCE AROUND HIM! It's good clean fun the whole family can enjoy! You can't see John Cena! You can see Leprachauns! Lots of them! No chokeholds! No violence! No destruction! Hugs for everyone! Even Justin Roberts!

Oh wait, remember that South Park episode where Cartman made a bet that if he found a leprechaun, Kyle had to suck his balls? ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION! WE CAN'T USE LEPRACHAUNS THEY WILL COST US THE ELECTION!!! IN FACT, LET'S FIRE HORNSWOGGLE TOO! Someone will call us out on trying to suggest sexual innuendo!

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

In Conclusion

In a world where WWE wants to cater to the kiddies, and fire people for doing their jobs and delivering beat downs on the first offense, I'm sure that we can expect ridiculous, horrible ideas aplenty, some of which probably make the things I joked about herein seem like a blessing in comparison. It is a pity that this is the new direction of the entire company, and honestly many WWE viewers couldn't give two shits about Linda McMahon, her political career, her agenda, or her platforms. To be honest it doesn't help ANY of us if she gets elected unless we live in the state of Connecticut which most of us do not - all it does is punish all of us that aren't kids and insults our intelligence. I can only hope that WWE reconsiders what they have done, and realizes that they have urinated on a lot of loyal fans by saying "we giveth and taketh away just as fast." If what Bryan Danielson did was wrong, then he should have been given a warning, a fine, or a severe admonishment behind the scenes or backstage for his actions but not been fired or treated like what he did was some kind of serious atrocity against all that is pure in the world. Ultimately however, none of this can be remedied until the McMahon Family gets a clue or realizes that we are not children. Good luck with that. I have a higher chance of creating a time machine, going back in time and killing Stephanie McMahon's pony than they have of cleaning up their act.

Did she ever have a pony? If she did I would like to go back and shoot it because that's what her family did? They shot our pony. And the irony is that since everyone on the Internet is talking about this Daniel Bryan thing, I, too, am beating a dead horse. We are all fed up, and if this IS in fact by some 1/1,000,000,000 chance a very clever work by WWE, then this is the biggest trolling of the Internet those fuckers have ever done. But it probably isn't. Dead ponies don't come back to life.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com