Dave Coulier - I Wish You Were Dead!
Riv , 2004/12/25 02:37

Original Postdate: 1-9-2002

There is no God.
www.cutitout.net

Dave Coulier...
I thought you were dead.
Just Die.

That's my short poem for Dave Coulier. Eat your heart out Jeff Hardy. What can I say other than "There is no God on the Internet." Otherwise cutitout.net would not exist. For those of you that have never watched the atrocity that is TGIF, Dave Coulier was Joey on TV's "Full House," a show about what happens when a man's wife dies, and his gay best friend and brother-in-law move in and have to raise three little girls. It's kind of frightening, actually.

Now that you've been tainted, here's the rundown. Full House eventually ended and the actors went on to bigger and better things... umm... actually, no. The Olsen twins became really popular, John Stamos married a model and did lame 10-10-987 commercials, and Dave Coulier and Bob Saget both hosted equally unfunny shows about stupid home videos of babies doing stupid things. Eventually these shows got taken off the air, and we would have all liked to have believed that both men died a death by fire... Until someone sent me the cutitout.net URL. That is when I realized that there's a reason bounty hunters and hitmen still exist...

The first thing you see after the hideous banner above, is a small picture that looks like this:

Yes, you should buy Dave's CD? Why? Because it's FUNNY. FUNNY, in this case, meaning another word for "lame and stupid." I don't like "funny." If it has to do with Dave Coulier it cannot be fun. Onward, I decided to check out some of the other sections on this website, risking brain damage or possible seizures. I read Dave's story, where we find this blurb...

So, basically, cutitout.net can't type the words "Full" and "House" consecutively, and after ABC canned him he tells dirty jokes in coffee houses. Moving on and not caring to read about his meaningless life, I decided to click on "What's New..."

Positive feedback = anything that doesn't say in the subject line: "You have unpaid bar tabs," or "DIE Joey Gladstone, DIE." Note to Me: I certainly need to send this man some mean e-mail... So, I decide to read the bulletin board to find out what types of responses he gets...

Patrick - if Full House is your favorite TV show, what makes you think your opinion matters? Further inspection proves that Dave Coulier has only received four pieces of POSITIVE fan mail... I wonder how many hits this site gets? I then decide to browse Coulier's picture page, where I come to a startling revelation as I click on a picture from Jodie Sweetin's high school graduation party...

Stephanie Tanner (Jody Sweetin) grew some nice looking breasts since Full House...

More importantly, looking at his eyes, further proves my theory that John Stamos = SATAN.

I also decided to leave Coulier some nice comments in his comments section after viewing this picture, so here goes... Of course I didn't want to risk using my REAL identity so I opted to use someone else's...

I'll have to ask Bahn if Dave ever gives him Sweetin's number...

Onward...

So, in other words this translates into: "I'm the equivalent of South Park's Terrence and Phillip." I wonder if anyone owns the CD. Crazy as it sounds, I was slightly intrigued and decided to find out what the heck it was all about... I decided to use Kazaa to try to find excerpts from the album. Piracy? Yes, it is. However, piracy can't be THAT bad. If it stops Dave Coulier from earning the money to eat then maybe piracy is good for us in some way after all... Alas, though. No one on Kazaa has even bothered to buy this CD, and if Kazaa users don't have your CD, who does???

...Yes, but they didn't PAY for their copies...

I decided to have more fun with the feedback section...

I also found out that Coulier interviews people on the Internet, mostly celebrities, but typically they end up being people that were on Full House that simply feel sorry for the guy. This screenshot here should sum up the stupidity of this website...

The unfunniest thing since a funeral.

With that I wrap up Cutitout.net and warn you people... Dave Coulier is still alive. If you ever see him, do us all a favor - SHOOT HIM.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com