Shakira - Greatest Pop Star Ever!
PanzerMega , 2004/12/10 00:13

Original Postdate: 12-1-2001

As I’m sure you all know, our planet has already more than exceeded it’s quota of “Hot Blonde Teen Pop Sensations” for the 21st Century, and it’s only just begun. We literally have enough sugary pop icons right now to last a lifetime, and with modern advancements in plastic surgery and cloning, maybe Britney, Christina, and Mandy’s careers will outlast all of us. Their popularity doesn’t show any signs of slowing down… and why would it? These are more than just well marketed sex symbols. These are ARTISTS.

Unfortunately for our North American bred T&A cash cows, our musical hotties in tight pants are about to become prematurely obsolete. You see, straight from…somewhere in South America, comes a new teen sensation. She’s… She-Ra, Princess of Power!

Waitaminute, She-Ra’s only a cartoon character, and didn’t have much of a singing voice if I remember correctly. The newest pop sensation is actually…

Shakira, Princess of Colombia!!!

Look at that! Pide-Mas! That’s so much cooler than Pepsi!

You see, while Britney or Christina are lucky to look good and sing in key at the same time, Shakira does everything that she puts her mind to, perfectly and then some. Not content to just dance in her videos, Shakira goes that extra mile to prove that she’s stronger, braver, and a better show-woman than anyone else, no matter what part of the world that she’s in.

Let’s look at Shakira’s new video, Whenever, Wherever, (or Wherever, Whenever; it doesn’t matter), for example…

Can any other female pop stars breathe underwater!? There were FIVE Spice Girls, and I never saw any of them do that before. Do you know how much determination and practice is required to learn how to DO that? I have a feeling that Shakira knows all too well.

Not only that, but she has trained herself to STAND ON WATER. I used to think that only Jesus could do that. You’d think that such incredible displays of aquatic skill would be enough for one video. Surely, Shakira can now just rely on her super-hot body and ultra-hot choreography to finish the remainder of her video.

But no. Not by a long shot. To suspect that is to undermine all of the integrity and drive that Shakira possesses. Any pop singer can dance. But how many can do….

Karate Katas!

Check out those intense ninja skills! You would think that standing on water while singing and dancing would be enough, but showcasing the dreaded killing arts at the same time… truly Shakira is more than meets the eye.

Yeah, but Steve… is she effective OUT of the water? Even Aquaman has a stupid hook and mild telepathy to get him through when the bad guys get sick of pissing in the ocean. Is Shakira truly able to brave more than one element?

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT SHE IS.

Apparently while filming this video, a tragic sandstorm hit wherever, whenever. Most celebrities would see a fierce attack by Mother Nature and call it a day, but would Shakira give up so easily? Yeah, right. She obviously insisted on performing in these brutal conditions, and still managed to look damn hot doing it.

After such a hard day of shooting, no one expected a freaking stampede to charge the shoot location. Having a keen eye for cinematography, in addition to her countless other skills, Shakira realized that dancing in the middle of the stampede would make the video look even better. Poor Shakira. Her classmates scoffed at her during junior high when she would spend an hour after school, each and every night, practicing her stampede dancing. Yet now it finally paid off. Oh yes it did.

Sadly, one of the cameramen, who did not possess Shakira’s natural ability to be incredibly perfect at everything she does, met a tragic end shooting this scene. He died with a smile on his face though, and who wouldn’t? If the last thing you ever see is Shakira, then you are luckier than most, for you have already seen Heaven.

The director, while saddened by his cameraman’s passing, was pleased with the footage taken thus far. Unfortunately, the record label informed him that even though Shakira is indeed a respectable goddess, that they could use a bit more T&A in the video. The crew stumbled upon a mud pit, and the director nervously asked Shakira if she could roll around in it for the video. Naturally he was afraid, because obviously someone of Shakira’s grace and beauty would be above something as degrading as rolling around in the mud.

In a move that would surprise everyone, Shakira revealed that she won the city championships in mud wrestling, back in her village. Shakira is truly a woman of many, many skills.

For the big finale for the Whenever, Wherever video, Shakira knew that she needed something extra special. She wanted to prove what being a strong female was really all about. So she climbed Mount Everest in a tank top. Sure it took a while, but by God, she did it. And the results were amazing.

That sure as hell makes Britney Spears’ look pretty dull, huh? Anyone can dance in a school hallway. Now I know that some of Shakira’s detractors have been saying that she really didn’t accomplish all of these amazing feats by herself, and that she most likely used “special effects” to simulate actions such as dancing in the middle of a stampede, or on a mountain top. But keep in mind… no one believed that the earth was round either, and now who looks stupid?

It’s rare that a natural talent like Shakira arrives in the entertainment industry. Hopefully she is rewarded for her hard work, dedication, and unflinching bravery in the pursuit of perfection by winning a ton of Grammies next year.

You can do it Shakira!

And if she doesn’t win for her abilities, then hopefully she’ll just win for having fine monster booty.

-- PanzerMega -