The Sex Diary of Amy Dumas (WWE's Lita)!
Riv & PanzerMega, 2005/03/05 01:26

Amy Christine Dumas, better known as Lita of World Wrestling Entertainment... How disappointing the rumors are - say it isn't so... Apparently this past month, Lita broke up a relationship that's lasted more than five years with her boyfriend both on-screen and off-screen, WWE superstar Matt Hardy. How did she do this? By fucking some other guy. There were always comments and rumors that Lita was a bit on the loose side. Wrestling sites, forums, and articles always speculated that Amy was a bit of a whore behind closed doors. We never had reason to believe this was true... not at first.

Matt Hardy, who is a superior wrestler to his brother Jeff, and generally a cool guy has always gotten more respect from us on the site as well. He's one of the few wrestlers Jason Rivera personally marks out for more, right down to having the V1 on his screenname. The poor guy probably deserves better.

Lo and behold, I would be in my hometown Atlanta, where a homeless man would offer me for the low price of a dollar, a diary! Wow. Steve and I luck out with these diary things, and this one, should be a doozy. I mean we already did find Jeff Hardy's Gay Diary. In fact we found it TWICE. Let's find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of Amy Dumas (not many I'm sure). Without further ado, here is a chronicle of all the guys Lita's let inside her since Matt got injured. And let me tell you, even Madonna would seem more chaste in comparison...

RAW: Giving Christian a "Peepshow."

Matt's hurt, and it really bothers me. I'm on the road alone, and it's just not the same. I started looking at Christian and realized something:

He's about the same height as Matt, and about the same weight, so he probably has the same sized cock. So I fucked him. If he's the same height and weight as Matt, it's like fucking Matt, therefore it's not cheating.

RAW: An Edgehead who also gives Head.

I waited around all day for Christian to show up, and when he did, he brought his wife with him! The nerve of that guy… There’s no Matt, no Christian, Jeff Hardy is gay and in NWA…. Where will I get my Ladder Love?

Hey is that Edge coming down the hall? I heard he just got divorced…extreme jackpot!

RAW: To the Victor Go the Spoils...

Shelton won the Intercontinental Title tonight. How come Matt's never won anything that big before? I heard black men have big cocks. Shelton slipped me a couple of Benjamins, then I let him slip me MR. BENJAMIN. I told him if Charlie gets traded to RAW, they can run the World's Greatest Tag Team on me.

RAW: I'm horny? PROBLEM SOLVED.

Wow, Tyson Tomko’s tattoos and beard were totally extreme! And so was his attitude towards sex.

Me: Can you wear a condom?

Tomko: No.

Me: Ok, whatever baby!

Sunday Night Heat: My Pussy Shows Little Resistance.

Wow, it's really dead today. Sylvain Grenier was walking around backstage looking sad. He said he's been unhappy since Pat Patterson retired. I told him that Pat has an asshole, I have an asshole, therefore I can give him anal sex. He's gay, so technically it's not cheating. I used to do this with Jeff behind Matt's back all the time, and it was never cheating then, either. All the anal sex is why I don't do Litacanranas anymore. My ass hurts too much.

P.S. Later, I found out I actually had sex with Rob Conway and not Sylvain Grenier. Oh well, what's the difference?

Sunday Night "I am a Bitch In Heat": Is He Really Tough Enough?

I’m quickly running out of hot wrestlers to have sex with. Maven was pretty weak in the sack. His idea of foreplay was showing me how awesome his dropkick was.

I almost wish that Matt was back from injury. Almost.

RAW: Stevie Gets Lucky!

Ric Flair is backstage. I heard a lot of stories growing up about Space Mountain. I asked him if he would take me there and he said "I'm Ric Flair! The Nature Boy! I don't have sex with skanks, I make girls into them! Wooo!" Then he walked off. I felt really hurt. He basically told me I was a slut. I tried to look around for Batista, or HHH, or someone successful to have sex with but couldn't find anyone. Finally I just saw Steven Richards crying in a corner because they never use him on TV and gave him pity sex. I did a good thing. I wonder what Matt's doing right now?

RAW: Through Hell Fire and Brimstone.

Kane has been my storyline husband for a little while now, but we haven’t had sex in real life yet. He was much more attractive when he used to wear a mask, so I slipped him a ruffee colada, and quadruple-bagged him. Two on his head, two on his dick, and I STILL got an STD.

The fire still burns, alright.

RAW: Stratusfaction.

Matt called me today, and we talked for three hours. It was a great conversation, he is such a good friend. I remember one time we were discussing a ménage-a-trois with another girl, and how it would so hot, and so extreme.

Unfortunately, Matt was injured, so I just had a sexy shower with Trish Status, myself, and this extreme purple dildo.

RAW: R-K-No!.

I was backstage and really bored. I just got off the phone with Matt and he was talking about how he'd be WWE champion one day. It made me want to have sex with a WWE champion... that's when I saw Randy Orton. I told him that I was a legend in bed and that his song lyrics might say “burn in my light” but I’d be willing to let him cum in my eye, so he RKOed me right on my fucked up neck!!! Thanks a lot, asshole!!! To get back at him I went backstage and his Dad was there, so I fucked him unprotected. I haven't been to the doctor's lately so I'm pretty sure I'm not clean. I'll have the last laugh when Cowboy Bob Orton dies of Syphilis.

RAW: Exporing Uganda.

The legendary wrestler Kamala came to RAW all the way from Uganda, to help out with the Diva Search contest. Well, I’m a Diva, and had to prove that I’m the most skilled in all areas.

We found a broom closet, and now I have moon and star bodypaint all over me, and a bite out of my thigh.
Kinky.

RAW: The Rising Sun.

Backstage, I saw Tajiri cooking some sort of domestic animal! That is so wrong! I love animals and I don't think it's right to eat dogs and cats. I told Tajiri that we don't do this in America, and he bowed down and started saying "Gomen Nasai" over and over again. As he bowed down, I told him he had to make it up to me, and made him bow down to my vagina. Unfortunately he spit his green mist out all over my pussy and it burns like hell. I'm going to have to get that out before Matt gets back on the road.

House Show: Joining the Playa's Club.

3:45pm: None of the other wrestlers are around. I think they are all shooting some pay-per-view commercial, and I am so lonely, I could even do Jonathan Coachman.

Or maybe not, he is a pretty big loser. I have standards, you know.

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4:00pm: Ok, I fucked The Coach. It was pretty awful. I thought black men were supposed to have large penises.

RAW: I'd Let You Fuck Me Completely But My Momma's Watchin', buhgawd!

Hunter wanted to talk to me backstage. If I fuck him, I'll be the women's champion forever, just like Moolah was. Instead he told me the boys in the back had a bet that as trashy as I was that I wouldn't suck off Jim Ross and Jerry the King Lawler. HHH said he bet that I would, and he'd give me half if I did. Considering that they just gaver $250,000 to some other redhead who hasn't paid her dues by fucking anyone yet, I took him up on the offer, so this whole RAW broadcast I stood under the announcetable sucking those two old men off. If I weren't pushing 30 I would so be in a TeensForCash.com video.

RAW: Special Sex Ed.

Eugene came up to me and told me that Wendi Richter was his favorite women’s wrestler because she met Cindy Lauper, and had sex with Andre The Giant, even though it tore her ass to shreds.

That sounded pretty extreme, but Andre died years ago, and I’m not that crazy. Eugene did do a pretty good Andre the Giant impression though, so I fucked him too. I think he might really be retarded though.

RAW: Backne It's NOT HIS FAULT! It's probably mine...

Vince is said to be unhappy with the angle between myself, Kane, and Gene Snitsky. Snitsky came up to me an insisted it wasn't his fault. He's not very smart and thinks he literally did cost me a baby. I told him if he tried to make another baby for me all would be forgiven, so we fooled around a bit. Then this horrible acne sprouted up on his back. I guess this means I have something. I also noticed this year they fired Test, Albert, Nidia, Jazz, Rodney Mack, and Gail Kim. And I had sex with all of them. Uh-oh...

Survivor Series - Before the Show, at the Hotel: Two heads are better than none.

It's an Interpromotional Pay-Per-View. The Bashams are here. I heard they are co-secretaries of Defense now. I never had sex with a secretary, and I never had sex with twins. I've had Mexicans, Midgets, Black Men, Homosexuals, Asians, Jewish guys, band members, and even a tennis racket (Thanks, Jim Cornette) but never identical twins. I told them they could double team me all night, and they did. Later I found out that they're not even twins, and not even brothers. They lied to me! That pisses me off! I would have fucked them anyway!

Backstage: It's Sexual Chocolate and King Caramel!!!

Matt is supposed to be back from injury soon, so I should probably start being more faithful soon. I’ve been living by the “different area code” rule for months now, and that will come to an end any week now.

That did not stop me from having a three-way with Viscera and Mark Henry this afternoon, though. It was pretty good. I felt like I was part of a burnt chicken sandwich.

I hope all the other wrestlers can keep quiet about this…what happens on the road, stays on the road….right?

Monday Night: Injured and At Home...

I came home today. I got hurt really bad at Survivor Series and tore my ACL. They sent me home right away. The problem is, that I just stopped having sex with the whole roster a month a week three days six hours ago, and this doesn't give me much time to cover it up. I came home and Matt and I made love, but then he complained that I caused redness, itching, irritation, and that my asshole was the size of the volcano in Jeff's backyard. I told him I didn't know how that happened. I tried to lie and say Trish chick kicked me so hard one of her heels went up my ass. It didn't work. Matt's not stupid or half-retarded like his brother. He kicked me out right away... and my dog, too. I'm so lonely. I'm glad I have my dog, though. Come to think of it, he's pretty big, too... maybe I should...

So in conclusion, Lita is a hoe, and you know it, we know it, the locker room knows it, now Matt knows it, and chances are everyone who knows it probably already had a turn. A last bit of irony is to remember that Lita started her WWE career as one of the Godfather's hoes. Now, five years or so later... she's STILL a ho, and BEFORE she was a ho she had sex with Mexican wrestler "El Dandy!." Oh well, some things never change. At least she's a role model to girls everywhere meaning maybe the next generation will be better in the sack than this one is and easier to con into getitng into bed. Thanks Lita. Your sluttiness will ensure that when I'm in my forties, that lots of girls in their twenties who grew up watching you will jump on my cock just because their boyfriends are at home.

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-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com & PanzerMega - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com