Pimp Riv's Ride!
Riv , 2005/02/16 15:52

My name is Jason Rivera.

I am 24 years old.

I live with my mother and father.

I don’t have a girlfriend.

I’m not in college.

And also, I’m a complete asshole.

But YOU… want to buy ME THIS:

That’s right… A 2005 Ford Mustang.

And I’m about to show you why.

THIS, is my car. A 1997 2-Door Dodge Neon in Hunter Green. Once upon a time, it looked pretty nice.

NOW… it looks like this:

I can’t be seen getting out of this car. In fact I wear tons of stupid disguises so that no one recognizes me coming out of the car. It’s an awkward and frankly violating experience on par with being imprisoned, stabbed, or watching the movie Beaches.

Now, look at my website, look at what I’ve wrote. Despite all my negative traits about living with my parents, and not being in college, and not having a girlfriend, I think I’m a cool dude and if you're reading this then you probably agree with me. I’m trying to get a nice ride, so THIS is the PIMP JASON’S RIDE CHARITY FUND. As you’ve seen, my car is ugly. As you know, 2005 Mustangs don’t grow on trees. This is where you come in. I need YOU to make donations to ME, so I can buy a new 2005 Ford Mustang. I’m not picky. I don’t need the V8 engine; a V6 will do just fine. I’m not asking for a convertible, because it gets cold some days. All I’m asking, is for a standard 2005 Ford Mustang with me behind the wheel.

Your donation, no matter how small or how big will be contributed to a greater cause. The cause of putting me behind the wheel of a sports car so that people who don’t even know me can say “Hey, that’s a cool guy” as I drive past them and throw things at them like half-empty cups of Diet Coke.

But you’re not just helping me, especially you men out there, because you see – I have co-workers. Female co-workers. These female co-workers own new cars, and they make fun me and my ugly Dodge Neon all the time. Sometimes, they speed really really really ridiculously fast when we get out of the store at night because they know my car can’t keep up with them.

It is an unwritten law, an unspoken truth by God himself since the days of Fred Flintstone and his cavemobile, that “Man Shalt Have Better Car Than Woman.” So you see, I need to 1-Up my co-workers/bosses/rivals. A car for me is not just a car for me. It’s not just some ridiculous cheap ploy to get you to give me money to buy a car with. It’s a metaphor. It’s a stand. It’s Man vs. Female Amazonian Masterhood. If we let them have nicer cars than us. Soon they will want the right to vote, rights in the workforce, total enslavement and domination of mankind – and if this happens, I’m afraid there will be nothing left but demasculinized men – in other words: HOMOS.

Of a side-note, these cars these women own are FOREIGN. So not only are you helping me. Not only are you helping MAN, you’re helping AMERICA.

I am a firm believer in karma. I believe all good things come back to you. In action, of course – not word, because I write some really mean shit about ugly people that look like this:

However, I believe that by doing this good deed for me, good deeds will come unto you. In fact, I believe that if you buy a car for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true.

So if you have PayPal, send money, to jasonrivera@gmail.com or if you do not have PayPal and wish to contribute please e-mail us so that we can find you alternative means of donation.

Remember, a dollar for Riv, is a dollar for Ford, is a dollar for everlasting peace.

You may see the total amount of dollars earned below, this total will be updated on this page weekly:

Total Earnings: $222.17

Please help to make this dream a reality and make me feel like a cool guy again. Thank you.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com