An interview (and more) with Fat Pat
Riv & Mike Espen, 2005/01/31 01:10

If you've been on the Internet a while you've probably heard of the site known as MySpace.com, dubbed "a place for friends." Now if you've been to JasonRivera.com in the past then you've known our interaction with the site is not above completely trashing an ugly person to benefit our own thirst for new articles.

That said, when we found out about MySpace it was a great opportunity to do a few things:

1) Pimp JasonRivera.com to new potential readers.
2) Post 68 Pictures of Riv which his co-workers at Hot Topic would eventually mock on a daily basis.
3) Find more stupid & ugly people to oppress.

And stupid and ugly people there are. So it came as no surprise to me when Forum Administrator Mike Espen told me that people were mistaking his fake Teddy Long MySpace Account for the actual WWE Superstar Teddy Long.

What did come as a shock to me is that one particular moron on MySpace actually went as far as to ask Mr. Theodore R. Long for a job. This not only meant that this person thought this was indeed the real Teddy, but also meant this person thought that Theodore Long has some managerial power in wrestling and is actually somewhat in charge of World Wrestling Entertainment instead of just a character on television. Check out the mail for yourself.

Dear Mr. Long,

Hello! How are you? I am so happy and thankful that you added me onto your friend’s list. I think it is so awesome what you are doing on Smack down. I think it is awesome that you added Michelle, Amy, and Joy to your roster. They wanted the opportunity and you gave it to them. I hope that one day I get the same opportunity because, I love WWE and I want to be a part of the action that is all I have to say about that. I would love to team up with John Cena or be an announcer like Josh Matthews. I would also team up with Shannon Moore as in a managerial proposition for Shannon or John. I think both of them are hot and I think I will be able to help them when they need it especially since I am doing Cardio kickboxing and martial arts at this point in my life. I know you want to take the Diva division to new height and I will be happy once you do because, I am sick of people thinking that the Smack down stars are not as good as the divas on Raw when in all truth if they did not have the skills they have they would not be on WWE in the first place because, Vince would not let them in or the Board of Directors or Board of Executives. I am also able to sing, dance, as well as Cardio Kickboxing. I am learning Escrima=Filipino Sword and Stick fighting. All the things you read on my profile I will do but I was thinking of bypassing All Pro Wrestling if you would get your trainers to train me because, I want to learn from the best. I know that you guys have the best trainers and everything in the type of the business you are in. I love learning stick fighting. That way I can be a little hardcore when I want to be. I would love to be on your roster if you are looking for more divas to add onto your roster. I go to school at Central County occupational Center in San Jose, California. I go to school from 12:30-3:30 pm. I get to school at 11:52 am everyday Monday thru Friday than I go to the Cafeteria in the back area of building 800 there are double doors. We can talk on any day of that part of the week before my class. I hope you are able to show up. I would love to meet you. My mom keeps on trying to tell me that I will never be a WWE Diva I want to prove her wrong so damn bad. You have no idea how bad I want to prove her wrong.

Much love from a devoted fan,
Patricia

Okay so we know Patricia is obviously a fuckin' retard. But does she at least look good? I had to find out.

Jason Rivera V1: But how does she look?
Mike Espen: See for yourself.

Jason Rivera V1: Criminy!

Okay, so to sum up where we are so far: Patricia is fat, ugly, thinks Espen is Teddy Long, and believes she will be a WWE Diva. Now THIS person has some good drugs. But we were going to have to teach her a lesson, and she would learn three things: she's fat, she's ugly, and she should ALWAYS listen to her mother. We'd start with an e-mail reply back from Espen to the fatty in question:

Holla Patricia.

Firstly, thank you for the message. It is nice to come back after a gruelling week on the road and read positive responses from fans on the Smackdown brand.

The Smackdown Diva division may get a bad reputation at times as it's divas don't, for the most part have the same level of wrestling ability as the Raw girls.

Torrie, Jackie, Dawn, and Michelle will all soon be undergoing further tuition from Dave Finlay (formerly Fit Finley, WCW TV Champion), the man who has trained the likes Of Trish Stratus, Victoria, Molly Holly and Lita to such high standards.

As a result of this we are hoping to give the womens division on Smackdown a larger push so to speak and give it more airtime.

Divas these days are a lot more than just eye candy, although having seem some of the photos from your profile you are a very attractive young woman. I love my brown sugar ladies. Belee dat!

Just a reminder what Patricia looks like in case you've already forgotten reading at home.

Smackdown as a whole will be improving a lot over the coming months. One of my main superstars receiving a push will be John Cena, ideally i would like John to challenge for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania 21.

John is very much over with the fans and i'd like to improve that further by giving him an on screen love interest leading into Wrestlemania and to accompany him to the ring at the biggest event of the wrestling year (this could lead to an actual wrestling role further on if you impress myself and Mr. McMahon)

I warn you though, to make the role you would need to have no problem with kissing Mr. Cena on screen and i can understand if that would make you uncomfortable.

If you are interested just message me back honey.

Hope to hear from you soon.

-Theodore R. Long
-Smackdown General Manager
-World Wrestling Entertainment.

She'd follow up with several e-mails back. Here's the first one:

Dear Mr. Long,

I have no problems kissing Mr.Cena on national tv. he is a great looking guy with a lot to offer the girl he is with and plus I know he would protect me with his life if he had the chance to everyday when we are on the road especially since I know I will be a good friend of his because, I will push him everyday to be his best. I will not let his opponents get to him psychologically because, I am empathic with the people I know or the people I want to get to know. So everything will run as smooth as it can. Just letting you know.

Much love from ur hott lil fan,

There is nothing "lil" about this.

Patricia

It wouldn't be long before we'd see another e-mail from Patricia. Be prepared. It's LONG. In fact, to make sure that you can survive it I'll be sure to post nudes of Carmella DeCaesare between paragraphs:

Dear Mr. Long,

This is a rap to Cena giving him the proposition of me being his love connection/valet. Hope you like my rap and I hope you think I got what it takes to fit his character. I really like him a lot and I want to basically prove my worth to the Smack down Roster. I just hope that Big Show does not get up in my face and all. Even though Cena is the guy that I am walking to the ring it will suck because, I do not want to deal with a 7’2” giant and the fact that he is Andre the Giant’s son is scary to me. If you know what I mean I will do my best in everything that I do actually in order to make it. I know how to deal with being on television all you got to do is instruct me and I will learn fast the art of show biz you don’t have to worry that is all I have to say. I do not get stage fright as soon as the camera is rolling or I am on stage. I have great stage presence because, I did two talent shows in high school and I did choir for 3 years of high school. My last year of High school choir we won bronze and our teacher Mr.Crowell got the award for being the best conductor. I also took 2-3 quarters at De Anza for Beginning Singing 1 and 2. I also took a hip hop dance class there as well as Self defense and stretching. My friends sometimes ask me to dance for them at their house or they totally see me at a club dancing really well. So I have a bunch of talents. I can sing, Dance, songwrite, write raps to a point, cook, and Martial arts as well as Cardio Kickboxing. So I am trying my best in everything that I do to perfect it but, I do not have the time to perfect it I will get back to it later that is all I have to say about that. Here is a rap to John Cena hope you can get it to him.

Yo Cena looks like u and I are gonna be partnas up in dis place so ya down for it or nah. What is it dat I have to do to prove myself to ya I really wanna no wassup wit ya cuz I wanna be da best dat I can be witout da otha divas thinkin they can come in out of no where and try to take my place cuz eitha way I look at it I am a fighter and I will fight for what is mine on dis show. Don’t get me wrong u ain’t my some property dat I can just own aight I am just I know when to tell people off ya know what I’m sayin I juss wanna no is it gonna be like the love triangle that is happenin wit Dawn, Jackie, and Charlie. I am not down wit dat shit aight I want to know dat I will have a man dat is loyal ya feel me. Do ya understand what im sayin Cena? So ya want me as ur Thuganomics Queen or what?

Hope you like it I worked hard on it. If you think it needs work let me know what I need to improve on and I will take that into what I am writing next time. I will catch you later ok Thank you for considering me. I try my best to be as open minded and divers minded as possible even though my parents are into the clean cut type responsible type person sometimes my friends are not like that but I still make sure they good people even though they are not totally into all the things I am into if you know what I mean by that. I am working out as much as I can because, I want to lose more weight even though I am beautiful the way I am it does not hurt to see a person try to stay healthy if you know what I mean hehehehe!!!! I also went through hell in back in my life. I was abused between the ages 5-16 by an ex-stepdad a lot of my friends wonder how I have stayed strong in my life because, a lot of girls would have gone insane or gone to a psychiatric ward. That goes to show how strong I am and how strong WWE has made me especially since I have been watching it since I was 16. At that point I was looking for a purpose and than I saw wrestling and I loved it so much that I made it my dream. If you listen to the song Never Again by Nickelback it totally tells about what I went through between the ages of 5-16 but one slight difference my mom did not grab a shot gun and did not shoot my ex-stepdad. Whenever I hear that song it makes me feel like I am a lot stronger than I thought I was because, I was able to basically keep my dream alive as a WWE diva because, I knew eventually I would make it no matter what because, I would fight for it. I want to prove my mom and my family wrong because, they keep telling me oh Patricia WWE is not the profession for you. It is not within your reality. I refused to believe that and I know that in my heart it will happen. The type of look and name I was going for are: Blaze Princess of fire and the look is basically black tube top with flames on it and black leather pants with flames on it with Blaze for the lettering at the back of the or the sides of the pants and black boots. Than I will get my hair dyed a fiery red color. Hope you like my ideas. I came down with a cold and I hope I do not get a cold when I am on the road because, that will stink a lot because, sometimes when I get sick I have no idea how ill I will get but I rarely get really sick where my system can’t handle a whole lot. I just hope I do not experience those days while I am on the road. I am fighting off the common cold that I have caught and I am a strong person and I will still go to school and live my life so I can teach my system to take the travel and things.

Much love from ur hott lil fan,
Patricia

We then followed up, informing her that she would have to talk with an OVW Road Agent for an interview. After agreeing she quickly (and annoyingly) sent yet another e-mai.

Dear Mr. Teddy Long,

I can’t wait till I am working for you guys. This has always been my dream and I will not disappoint at all you and Mr. Mcmahon will be very pleased with my work. I will work hard and long to make sure my character is perfected. You can count on me no problems. You know what school I go to but, just in case you don’t know what the name of the school is Central County occupational center. I am getting a B - grade point average is that alright with you. I have known how to dance since I was 9 years old and I have been singing since I was 7 years old. I have known how to prepare food since I was 4 years old. Like I had told you I grew up in a home that was not all the good for children at least from the ages of 5-16. The things that I would tell you basically will make you look at me and say literally how did I survive well I was thinking of ending my life about two times but, than I told myself well that would just make him feel better of himself because, he ended my life or he broke me down enough to the point where I would end my life. You want to know what really pushed me through I saw some of the lives that some of the wrestlers and divas lived and I said well they lived in an abusive world in their time and look at where they are now. So I just kept on pushing for my dreams and went for the things that made my life enjoyable instead of dull. When your life becomes dull than you start to think of all the things that are big what ifs in your life and that no way for a person to live. When I saw Lita and The Hardyboyz for the first time it completely captured me into your guy’s world. I told myself one day I will be there. I am so close to making that day is going come true. Oh and by I use Iluvwwe2001 more than my yahoo messenger so if you want to get a hold of me your better off getting a hold of me on Aol instant Messenger. My parents do not approve of me being a WWE diva but, if you show up and all I will tell you know what this is my chance to make my dreams come true and you know what mom I am 21 years old so therefore you can’t stop me from at least trying this out. I will do well in it too so, that way I will have this as my job for a long time. You want to know who Trish Stratus started her career she basically did the same thing I am going to do. She started managing this team called Test and Albert aka T&A and she had a love connection with Test but that did not work after a while because, she wanted to be able to hold her own or she went with someone different I think she was chasing after Jeff Hardy. I am going to work with a superstar that I actually like a lot his name is John Cena and you know what I will be happy. I have already signed the contract papers so now I need to get my resident alien card and all my important papers that I need that is within my name so can you please give me what I need. So I can pack my clothes and go on the road now. I will send you some post cards of my travels this is not good bye forever I will be back when I can be back for the holidays and stuff because, let’s face it I will have a life on the road and with the WWE you are not gone 250+ days out of the year. She might be devastated but I will say look this is my dream. I am going for it. I will go and say bye to my sisters and my stepbrother and my stepfather. I know that my letter is pretty lengthy but what is a girl to do ya know when she got a few hours to spare hehehe!!!! Anyways, do you like my outfit idea? Let me know if you don’t and I will think of something else ok. I am not a certified singer but, honestly do you have to be certified maybe you just have that talent and the thing is why do you got to get a certification that is the part that is dumb about it. The same thing is for dancing you do not need to be certified if your doing it for fun I can understand if you are doing it to be a teacher in that field. I am still sick and yet I am still at school right now I just take some medication such as Dayquil and I eat right to the best I can and hopefully I will be able to get rid of this damn cold soon even though it is just the common cold it is a being a total bitch and please pardon my language. I will hopefully meet you in person soon. I hope to talk to you soon.

Much love from ur hott lil fan,
Patricia

See how much harder that is to stomach without Carmella naked somewhere in that mess? Also if you paid attention past the horrible lack of grammar and almost infinite misspellings you'll have seen she wrote a "goodbye" letter to her parents. Yes, this girl SERIOUSLY THINKS that Theodore Long has hired her to World Wrestling Entertainment.

You're either laughing right now, or completely silent in disgust. And there's probably five or six of you jacking off to Carmella. However, now it is time. By now this has been all Espen. You probably wonder where Riv factors into all this... Well remember that OVW road agent?

[18:08] Jason Rivera OVW: Greetings. Are you Patricia?
[18:08] iluvwwe2001: were u sent be teddy long
[18:08] Jason Rivera OVW: Yes. I'm Jason Rivera, a talent relations agent here in Ohio Valley Wrestling.
[18:09] iluvwwe2001: how are u
[18:09] iluvwwe2001: jason
[18:09] iluvwwe2001: wassup
[18:09] Jason Rivera OVW: I'm good. Thank you. He asked me to interview you regarding possible employment opportunities.
[18:10] iluvwwe2001: ok
[18:10] iluvwwe2001: how long will this take cuz i will not be online for long
[18:10] iluvwwe2001: i have 10 minutes
[18:10] Jason Rivera OVW: Hmm, what would be a convenient time for you?
[18:10] Jason Rivera OVW: I'd rather not rush you if you have to leave right away.
[18:10] iluvwwe2001: thank u mr. rivera
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: umm the best time would be 10:15 pm tonight
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: pacific time
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: because i will be online
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: for sure
[18:11] Jason Rivera OVW: No problem. I will try to be here, if not I will contact you later.
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: umm jason
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: what time is good for you though
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: i can try being on earlier
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: but not sure cuz my stepdad has just gotten laid off
[18:11] iluvwwe2001: and is using the comp to look for work
[18:11] Jason Rivera OVW: It should be good, but I have no guarantees. I have a wife and two kids. It's not always easy - but if not again there is no rush.
[18:12] iluvwwe2001: Jason the thing is i really want to make it
[18:12] iluvwwe2001: so bad
[18:12] iluvwwe2001: u can ask me a few questions now
[18:12] Jason Rivera OVW: I completely understand. I hear that often.
[18:12] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay, we'll start with a few. First of all, height and weight please?

[18:13] iluvwwe2001: 5'2", 180-175 lbs. cuz im sick right now
[18:13] Jason Rivera OVW: Oh, sick? What kind of illness?
[18:13] iluvwwe2001: so my weight fluxuates
[18:13] iluvwwe2001: i have the common cold
[18:13] iluvwwe2001: i am trying to get rid of it

BEFORE the Common Cold.

AFTER.

[18:14] Jason Rivera OVW: Any martial arts/amateur wrestling backgrounds? Prior experience elsewhere?
[18:15] iluvwwe2001: umm i have taken cardio kickboxing
[18:15] iluvwwe2001: and i am a white belt in escrima and tae kwon do

MIKE ESPEN SAYS: "They hand out White Belts just for showing up."

[18:16] Jason Rivera OVW: Oh I see. and who is your favorite wrestler?
[18:16] iluvwwe2001: umm male or female
[18:16] iluvwwe2001: i have about 11-12 fave male stars
[18:16] Jason Rivera OVW: both genders, if you had to pick only one.
[18:17] iluvwwe2001: umm Lita
[18:17] iluvwwe2001: but I am looking forward to working with John Cena
[18:18] Jason Rivera OVW: Now I'm going to ask some more questions, a lot of these might seem silly or weird, but you know we're in the sports entertainment business, so sometimes the more awkward the question the more it makes sense, at least to us.
[18:18] iluvwwe2001: okay
[18:18] Jason Rivera OVW: First of all, do you have any serious mental illnesses, or ever been diagnosed with any sort of brain problems?
[18:18] Jason Rivera OVW: This doesn't DQ you from employment if you say yes, just ask Heidenreich.

[18:19] iluvwwe2001: umm I would have to say they said I had A.D.D but it does not show
[18:19] Jason Rivera OVW: Alright, cool. Now do you have any sexually transmitted diseases?
[18:19] iluvwwe2001: not that i know of
[18:20] Jason Rivera OVW: Good, good, that's important. We had to fire Jamie Noble because he had Chlamydia.

[18:20] iluvwwe2001: ewwwwwwwwwwwww
[18:20] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay, now do you work for or write for any Internet websites?
[18:20] Jason Rivera OVW: Because we don't trust the Internet.
[18:21] iluvwwe2001: umm I roleplay in internet wrestling feds
[18:21] Jason Rivera OVW: Oh that's okay, we don't penalize for that. Stevie Richards does that a lot. He likes to put the title on himself all the time, but that's strictly hush-hush.

[20:24] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay, next question: Who do you think deserves their own holiday the most out of the following people.

[20:24] Jason Rivera OVW:

Michael J. Fox

Michael J. Espen

Christopher Reeve

A-Train

[20:24] iluvwwe2001: Michal J.Fox
[20:26] iluvwwe2001: cuz he has parkinson's desease
[20:26] iluvwwe2001: and he did great roles
[20:30] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay next question - family. Brothers, sisters? parents? and if so are they all together?
[20:30] iluvwwe2001: i have 2 sisters and a stepbro
[20:30] iluvwwe2001: and a stepfather
[20:30] iluvwwe2001: and mother
[20:31] Jason Rivera OVW: And your real father?
[20:31] iluvwwe2001: in arizona
[20:31] iluvwwe2001: dead beat dad
[20:31] Jason Rivera OVW: Oh, that's terrible. If you had one thing to say to him right now, what would it be?
[20:32] iluvwwe2001: Hey asshole u should have tried to push to be in my life
[20:32] Jason Rivera OVW: Here come more weird questions. Who do you think has the bigger dong, Mario, or Luigi?

[20:32] iluvwwe2001: Mario
[20:33] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay, lol. If Mario was a real person would you find him sexually attractive in any way shape or form?
[20:33] iluvwwe2001: NO
[20:33] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay, fair enough. What about Donkey Kong? He seems more like your type of guy.

[20:34] iluvwwe2001: No
[20:36] Jason Rivera When you get McDonalds food what do you usually order?
[20:37] iluvwwe2001: Double Cheeseburger
[20:37] Jason Rivera OVW: Just one?
[20:37] iluvwwe2001: umm fries and chicken mcnuggets
[20:38] Jason Rivera OVW: Oh cool. 6, 10, or 20?
[20:38] iluvwwe2001: 10
[20:39] Jason Rivera OVW: Big eater! Next question. Would you ever eat at a place called the Tendicks Bakery?

[20:40] iluvwwe2001: no
[20:40] Jason Rivera OVW: What if it was the bestest bakery in the world?
[20:40] iluvwwe2001: i dunno

[20:40] Jason Rivera OVW: What if it were called the Fivedicks Bakery?
[20:41] iluvwwe2001: no
[20:41] Jason Rivera OVW: What about the Twodicks Bakery? Two, and not one dick less!!!

[20:41] iluvwwe2001: no
[20:41] Jason Rivera OVW: Prude.
[20:43] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay next question: There's a bomb on a bus, and the bus is going 50 miles per hour. If the bus goes under 50, the bomb blows up. What do you do?
[20:44] iluvwwe2001: go more than 50
[20:44] iluvwwe2001: and try to disarm the bomb
[20:44] iluvwwe2001: by having someone try to disarm it
[20:44] Jason Rivera OVW: And what if it was a bus full of inept retards who were incapable of disarming a bomb? Then what?
[20:44] iluvwwe2001: and i hate that thought cuz my only transportation is bus
[20:44] iluvwwe2001: and lightrail
[20:45] Jason Rivera OVW: Sorry, but these are questions we ask, to see if you can handle the pressure. You gotta want it. If you don't want it the Big Show will eat you alive. Quite literally.
[20:45] Jason Rivera OVW: Now, if it was a bus of retards, then what would you do?
[20:46] iluvwwe2001: I would sit and try to cope with it
[20:46] Jason Rivera OVW: And you'd explode, don't forget that part.

[20:46] Jason Rivera OVW: Okay. Next question: What weighs more - a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
[20:46] iluvwwe2001: a ton of bricks
[20:48] Jason Rivera OVW: I'm going to show you some pictures.
[20:48] Jason Rivera OVW: Rate them from 1-10 with 10 being the cutest and 1 being the ugliest.

Jason Rivera.
5

Jason Iannone.
4

The Elastic Pants of JasonRivera.com Forums.
3

TheDDT.com's Six-And-Two-Thirds.
4

and finally TheDDT.com's Gavin "Management" D'Alton.
1

[21:01] iluvwwe2001: if it got me a contract
[21:01] Jason Rivera OVW: and Curt Hennig and Crash Holly?
[21:01] Jason Rivera OVW: They're dead you know. It would be necrophilia.
[21:02] iluvwwe2001: yeah i know but lets face it i want a contract

[21:05] Jason Rivera OVW: That is a current WWE superstar's high school picture.
Editor's Note: Notice the Date on the Picture is the year 2001.
[21:05] Jason Rivera OVW: who do you think it is?
[21:05] iluvwwe2001: Eric Bischoff.
[21:05] Jason Rivera OVW: It's time for some true or false Patricia.
[21:05] iluvwwe2001: ok
True or False: Big Show is Andre the Giant's Son? True.
True or False: Marty Jannetty is dead. True.
True or False: Russ Haas is dead. True. No wait... False.
True or False: The Dudleys are really brothers. True.
True or False: Lita is pregnant. True.
True or False: Andrew Jackson is on the nickel. False.
True or False: Ben Franklin was a president True.
True or False: Shelton Benjamin has been shot 9 times. True.

[21:22] Jason Rivera OVW: Did you know that Danny Doring got to urinate on Lita in her early ECW days? THAT IS DEDICATION. Are you willing to go through the same?
[21:23] iluvwwe2001: yes if lita went through it
[21:23] Jason Rivera OVW: Lita also went through anal sex with El Dandy. Are you Tough Enough?
[21:24] iluvwwe2001: if it got me a contract

El Dandy! Today is your lucky day!

[21:30] Jason Rivera OVW: What's the wildest thing you have ever done in your life?
[21:31] iluvwwe2001: joined WAC
[21:31] iluvwwe2001: wrestling appreciation club
[21:31] Jason Rivera OVW: Did you feel bad when Undertaker killed Paul Bearer at the Great American Bash?
[21:32] iluvwwe2001: yes
[21:32] Jason Rivera OVW: Did you cry?
[21:32] iluvwwe2001: yes
[21:39] Jason Rivera OVW: We shit in Sable's gym bag for being uptight. Would you shit in Sable's gym bag if she was a total bitch to you?
[21:39] iluvwwe2001: yes

That would be a lot of shit

[21:39] Jason Rivera OVW: Tell me what you would do to get back at Sable.
[21:39] iluvwwe2001: I would tear up her stuff
[21:39] Jason Rivera OVW: Marc Mero beat you to it.
[21:39] iluvwwe2001: I gotta go for now but we can finish this later i hope you'll be on

And she logged off, and expected me to continue later, I had to question her dedication. I mean if you had a once in a lifetime chance, would you expect the other side to be so accomodating? Later I would have her speak to whom she believed was Paul Heyman, and Eric Bischoff respectively. Since this interview is long and grueling please click on their respective names to read the text files.

Finally it was time to end this as it begun, with Mike Espen. He would finish Patricia off and ultimately seal the fate of her hopes and dreams...

iluvwwe2001 : hi teddy
MkEspen7: Holla
iluvwwe2001 : how are u
iluvwwe2001 : looks like eric and paul think im ugly
iluvwwe2001 : they dont like me
MkEspen7: I feel fantastic honey, yourself?
iluvwwe2001 : i feel bad that paul and eric think im ugly
MkEspen7: Ok. Did you speak to Jason?
iluvwwe2001 : yes
iluvwwe2001 : he is thinking i dont want this bad enough.
iluvwwe2001 : he does not understand i do not know what to say sometimes
iluvwwe2001 : now what teddy?
MkEspen7: Jason has approved you for emplyment in World Wrestling Entertainment
iluvwwe2001: Oh my god! MY DREAM IS ALIVE!
MkEspen7: It is now up to me to confirm it or not
iluvwwe2001 : really?
iluvwwe2001 : please confirm
MkEspen7: There is one stumbling block
iluvwwe2001 : what is that
iluvwwe2001 : teddy
MkEspen7: We have a small problem with your employment
MkEspen7: Here goes..
MkEspen7: World Wrestling Entertainment is for beautiful people..why do you think we fired Jacqueline and Albert?
MkEspen7: You will NEVER EVER EVER EVER have any hope of being employed by WWE as you are FAT, UGLY and DISGUSTING!!
iluvwwe2001 : what
iluvwwe2001 : so u want me to lose weight
MkEspen7: Believe me honey..i have seen some ugly creatures in my time BUT YOU are absolutely digusting
iluvwwe2001 : Why is that?
MkEspen7: you are disgusting
MkEspen7: NEVER NEVER NEVER will you be employed by us
MkEspen7: Now get a steppin'
iluvwwe2001 : so what will i need to do to get employed
MkEspen7: You have NO CHANCE IN HELL
MkEspen7: EVER
MkEspen7: Get a new hobby
MkEspen7: like playing in traffic
iluvwwe2001 : PLEEEASE?? YOU PROMISED ME?
iluvwwe2001 : You know what one day I will make cuz lets face it i am losing weight
iluvwwe2001 : and one day i will have what it takes
MkEspen7: You will NEVER make it
MkEspen7: You are ugly as hell
iluvwwe2001 : Yeah right
MkEspen7: Where are you from?
iluvwwe2001 : why
iluvwwe2001 : so u can reject me when i try again
iluvwwe2001 : This is my dream. Ever since i woz beat up badly when i was younger
MkEspen7: Well..
MkEspen7: whoever beat you up had the right idea
MkEspen7: maybe you took too many shots to the face and that's why you are so fucking ugly
iluvwwe2001 : umm did u look at my profile
iluvwwe2001 : right
iluvwwe2001 : cuz i am a beautiful girl
MkEspen7: No.
MkEspen7: you are ugly as hell

iluvwwe2001 : is that one of the pix u saw
iluvwwe2001 : or no
MkEspen7: Yes
MkEspen7: You are disgusting
iluvwwe2001 : u need ur eyes checked
MkEspen7: I'd rather dip my penis in a bath of battery acid
iluvwwe2001 : good maybe u will get burned
MkEspen7: ever heard of Jacqui Saburido?

MkEspen7: Put it this way
MkEspen7: I'd rather fuck that than YOU
MkEspen7: You disgust me
MkEspen7: NOW LEAVE MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY AND NEVER COME BACK YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT
iluvwwe2001 : whatever u know what u messaged me
iluvwwe2001 : with the offer
iluvwwe2001 : and now ur being all shady
MkEspen7: It was a joke
MkEspen7: do you think i would ever hire you?
iluvwwe2001 : yeah i thought u would
MkEspen7: why? you act like a crazy stalker
iluvwwe2001: One Day i will make it in WWE and be the best womens champ ever and then you'll be kissing my ass
MkEspen7: Not gonna happen, i have passed your name onto Mr. McMahon and informed him to never hire you under ANY circumstances
iluvwwe2001 : you know what why would u ruin my chances
iluvwwe2001 : damn, you asshole.

MkEspen7: Vince saw your photo and THREW UP immediately afterwards. NOT a good sign.
iluvwwe2001 : looks like u had nothing better to do
iluvwwe2001 : huh
MkEspen7: Neither do you
MkEspen7: all you do is fantasise about wrestling
MkEspen7: Get a FUCKING LIFE
iluvwwe2001 : You know what that is what a true fan does
MkEspen7: If you are an example of a true fan then i'm content with having no fans.
iluvwwe2001 : you know what i am far from being a weirdo
MkEspen7: It's a sad world where Owen Hart is dead yet you walk the earth.
iluvwwe2001 : I walk the earth because I have a lot in life that i can offer
.iluvwwe2001 : and it is unfortunate that some celebs have there sticks up their asses enough to not see true beauty
iluvwwe2001 : and see that a lot of people that dont have the model type body have awesome hearts
MkEspen7: Well...Vince has assured me you will never be hired
MkEspen7: YOUR DREAM IS DEAD
MkEspen7: YOUR DREAM IS DEAD
MkEspen7: ITS ALL OVER
iluvwwe2001 : fuck u
MkEspen7: DEAD!
MkEspen7: THE DREAM IS DEAD!
MkEspen7: YOU WILL NEVER BE A WRESTLER!
iluvwwe2001 : You know what there are other places to go

MkEspen7: McDonalds?
MkEspen7: You've obviously been there a lot
iluvwwe2001 : no
iluvwwe2001 : You know what i'll statrt my own fed and put Vince out of business.
MKEspen7: The name of this fed will be?
iluvwwe2001 : u know what im not telling, you will hear from us soon.
MkEspen7: Ok
MkEspen7: Now please
MkEspen7:THE DREAM IS DEAD! THE DREAM IS DEAD! THE DREAM IS DEAD! THE DREAM IS DEAD!
MkEspen7: Get a steppin'
MkEspen7: That means LEAVE
MKEspen7: NOW!!!!
*** "iluvwwe2001 " signed off at Wed Dec 08 07:27:21 2004.

That's right boys and girls - and Vince McMahon. You better watch out because Patricia is going to start her own federation and put Vince out of business. Espen and I were happy to crush her hopes and dreams - it's one thing to have hopes and dreams however, set realistic ones.

I mean I want to fuck the living hell out of Jessica Biel. It doesn't mean that dream is ever going to come true, and I know this. I accept this and I live in my reality where the girls are all...

Espen: 5/10!

That said, it's time to go rub one off to Biel and put this article to rest. And as for Patricia? Feel free to contact her if you happen to enjoy talking to stupid people. We certainly do. In fact... we're getting ourselves hyped up for a sequel one of these days...

So until next time, make sure to Holla, Holla, Holla.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com & Mike Espen -