Wow, Your Kid is Fuckin' Ugly.
Riv , 2005/01/28 01:57

Original Postdate: 2-11-2004

Cactus Chris: I hate it when it’s like 7 a.m., and some new father comes in and shows you his ugly infant.

Society has a hideous misconception about children in general, and believes that all children are beautiful creatures, and lovely, and delicate. That might be the biggest load of bullshit that I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Frankly if you believe that every child out there is attractive you’re either:

a) a child molester
b) a complete fucking idiot
c) Both.

Case in point – this very ugly African-American child above is a prime example of the problem we have. He’s featured on the back of a coaster for Delta Airlines. We’ve been greeted to his delightful smile and been given a very up-close-and-personal look up his nose for whatever reason. What this has to do with airlines, frankly, is beyond me, but whoever came up with the marketing plan probably thought he was a delightful little angel.

I mean there are a lot of ugly people on earth, tons of them; too many, in fact. So if there are ugly people on earth, doesn’t it make sense that ugly person grew out of a really ugly baby? Usually barring some tragic accident that baby didn’t up and just turn from beautiful to fucking ugly. There are reasons they came up with the phrase “A face only a mother could love.”

…and here’s one of them. Ignore for a second the fact that the head of Cactus Chris is photoshopped on a baby; the one behind him is really disturbing looking. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is that makes the child so creepy and grotesque, but chances are if Cactus Chris during his weighty years is next to you and you’re still creepier looking, something is the fuck wrong with you.

Then there’s this child, whom we have named Poobar, who has also been featured on the site. Not only is he retarded, but someone trusted him with a baseball bat. Now, I don’t know why you would hand someone with impaired motor functions a melee weapon, but chances are even if he hits himself in the face two wrongs will not make a right in this case and the child will only end up becoming uglier.

Next up, the “pruple” kid. Some granny is going to tell you the baby has beautiful rosy cheeks. In my opinion she looks like a permanent choking victim. Really, if your children are this ugly, shouldn’t you keep pictures of them off the Internet?

Behold, the reason COPPA request forms were invented.

Here are two net-nerds that didn’t heed that warning: “Kidblount” Michael Paleos, and the Microsoft Kid, Ajay Puri. Now, I’m pretty sure they get teased all the time in reality, and assume the Internet is not going to make fun of how ugly they are because they are intelligent enough to burn your computer to rubble with evil Vulcan Mind Powers or some shit, but frankly, if anything, I think they’ve gone from a couple of hundred classmates insulting them, to millions and millions of people insulting them.

But honestly, beside the point, there’s a whole lot of other ways a child can be ugly, yet society kisses ass. I’ve heard things to the effect of parents and grandparents that think it’s so precious when their child “goes poopie.” Listen, Grandma. It’s fucking shit. It smells bad and we usually flush the toilet. Just because it came out of a child, and fell on to a diaper this is no reason to worship the shit like some Hindu would a golden statue with the head of a God damn elephant. For fuck’s sake just change the diaper and get it over with. Do not sit there and admire feces. That’s what flies and maggots do.

Pretty children don’t always grow up to be pretty adults either, for example, two very popular child TV stars:

Fred and Ben Savage, for example, grew up to look like ass.

Another example is Dana Plato from the hit TV series “Diff’rent Strokes.” Look at her. Adorable, isn’t she?

Then she grew up and some guy put a dick in her mouth. Still find her to be “delightful?”

Also fun are the ones you know get dressed by their mother and father in the most ridiculous fashions. The one on the left, I honestly cannot tell if it’s a boy, a girl, or both. Mother Nature didn’t pull a cruel twist of fate on this one, but it looks like the lack of fashion sense by the parents did. I believe the correct terminology is "ugly hermaphrodite." On the right, we find that Mom wanted a girl, Dad wanted a boy, and they had twins, and decided to compromise by making one a drag queen at a very early age. Good for you, remember that when he goes postal and kills somebody Norman Bates style.

Anyway, that’s enough of my rant about ugly kids. If you have an ugly baby, please put it up for adoption or throw it in the dumpster or something. It’s better than having to pay for Clearasil, therapy, birthday gifts, or plastic surgery for the next 21 years.

What do YOU think? E-mail me, and maybe if you’re lucky (or unlucky), I’ll send you a free Ugly Black Boy Coaster.

Did you like this article? If you did, please click on the sponsors on the Google links on the right hand side of the site's design and help keep us free of pop-ups & banners as well as help us pay for the cost of running and maintaining this website! Every click counts and helps and your contributions are appreciated. You can also donate to us via PayPal!

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com