Smackdown is Riv - 9-7-2012
Riv , 2012/09/07 16:59

It’s Smackdown time. I’m glad I watch this show early with no commercial breaks and the ability to fast forward RAW rebound footage. I don’t see how any of you watch it at the regular 8 PM EST SyFy timeslot. I’d end up hanging upside down from my dick dead like David Carradine. The shitty WWE Signature airs and we’re shown footage of how on RAW Monday Night, Sheamus destroyed Ricardo Rodriguez with the Brogue Kick when Ricardo shoved Alberto Del Rio out of the way and took the bullet for him.

Ricardo Rodriguez is a saint, what an act of sacrifice he made by shoving Alberto Del Rio out of the way saving him from the deadly foot of Sheamus. I haven’t seen this kind of sacrifice since Jesus. I’m wondering if Rodriguez will get his own religion too – he should for being one of the most underrated talents on the roster. Everything he does is played to perfection and he is the saving grace of Alberto’s character. Alberto’s response was to hire David Otunga to represent him in legal action against Sheamus.

The Three Amigos are here tonight. Alberto Del Rio is looking especially mafia-esque tonight and Ricardo looks like the guy a rival group tried to kill and didn’t get the job done. Otunga is a magnificent being who will help these people win their case against Sheamus, an Anti-Bullying spokesman who bullies the weak. This trio has just left Booker T’s office and we don’t know what has happened. We get the Smackdown intro which is in desperate need of a change. Alberto’s music hits as he, Ricardo, and Otunga all hit the ring. Alberto Del Rio wants the Brogue Kick banned and claims that kicking somebody in the head is a criminal act. I hope he brings up that Ricardo has baby Conseula at home to take care of.

Alberto Del Rio says that Ricardo is his friend –his ONLY FRIEND. This is actually kind of sad that Alberto Del Rio has only 1 friend. I feel sorry for him. I want to invite them to parties. I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND ALBERTO DEL RIO. Alberto says hundreds have suffered the same at the hands of Sheamus, or maybe he just means Dolph Ziggler 100 times. Del Rio then brings up his cross-armbreaker (which he has used to put guys on the shelf before himself) but remarks that it is PURE like POETRY. Alberto hands Otunga the microphone, and points out that Sheamus’ actions were calculated with the intent to commit bodily harm on an innocent man. He then shows us a highlight video of the Brogue Kick which starts off with OTUNGA HIMSELF (who has lost to Sheamus way too many times as well), and the likes of Wade Barrett, Randy Orton, Referees, Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler, Christian, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, Lucky Cannon, Kane, Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, and of course Ricardo. This has some menacing bagpipe music playing in the background as I realize Sheamus has killed more people than cancer. Booker T comes out here infuriated about the fact that these three are talking about confidential information in front of the people. Booker sounds like he would have sided with the heels had they not made this mistake of telling everyone. Booker asks the crowd if the Brogue Kick should be banned and they really don’t care about the suffering of Mexicans.

The Brogue Kick is not banned. Josh Mathews and Michael Cole discus Booker’s actions and while Mathews approves of Booker’s decision, Michael Cole asks why he would be ok with it when Kane has continued to abuse Josh. Josh says Kane has been fined an undisclosed amount of money while Cole questions the safety of commentators in the WWE. I thought during the PEOPLE POWER era they made it a fireable offense to beat up commentators to begin with. Anyone remember THAT?

We’re told Cody Rhodes and the Miz will take on Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio, a team which WWE has put together solely in hopes the Rey fans become Sin Cara fans so they can finally tell Rey to fuck off with his bad knees and high contractual demands. Sin Cara is the only one of this group that needs an Intercontinental Title around his waist.

The Miz is out here and honestly after Monday Night RAW where he did a great job on commentary I’d rather hear him commentate than wrestle. He is the Intercontinental Champion and Michael Cole puts over the fact he is a Triple Crown winner… which is worthless because it’s not 1992 where WWE only has 3 belts. However, it now can be stated Miz has had every belt except for the World Heavyweight Title, and it’s quite possible that his bitch tits also qualify him to compete for the Divas title.

Miz and Mysterio start off while I debate whether or not I should ignore this and play Borderlands in preparation for the sequel coming out. The best thing about Sin Cara in tag team action is we don’t have to deal with his stupid lights. When Sin Cara is tagged in and starts on the MIz we hit commercials. Rhodes is tagged in at some point and gets overwhelmed by masked men, masked men everywhere. Finally Cody sucks a Sin Cara dive, kicks him in the midsection and tags Miz back in who puts the boots to Sin Cara. Miz hits his signature corner clothesline and a double axehandle to Sin Cara afterwards who is now in trouble. Cover and a two-count as Miz drags Sin Cara to the corner and tags Cody Rhodes back in who hits a delay front suplex on Sin Cara and then locks Sin Cara’s neck into a hold on the mat. Rhodes inadvertently kicks Miz in the head when trying to hit Rey who Miz already countered on. Sin Cara tosses Cody to the outside and Miz gets dropped with the 6-1-9 and the Splash for the win.

NO is the appropriate word. I hate Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle wants a hug. I guess technically Daniel Bryan should just do it. If he’s ever eaten AJ’s vagina storyline-wise he’s tasted Hornswoggle’s dick anyway. Hornswoggle shakes Daniel Bryan’s hand. I admit that he’s less annoying now that he speaks and doesn’t keep making noises like someone who has had his tongue cut out and shoved up his own ass hole. Hornswoggle then stomps on Bryan’s foot and runs away. WHAT A CUNT.

Daniel Bryan makes a facial expression like he’s just shit himself as we go to commercials. Backstage Otunga threatens Booker T with legal action and shows Booker T the Brogue Kick on Daniel Bryan and Lord Tensai and tells David Otunga that the Brogue kick is “unnatural.” Booker says he will think about it. Otunga says it’s not good enough and tells Booker meet him in the training room. Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring trying to hold in his anger and not break into a NO chant. He calmly tells these people “no.” Daniel Bryan is taking on Zack Ryder who I have zero interest in because he’s become such an annoyance.

His hair like his popularity is fading fast. Daniel Bryan eventually tells Ryder mid-match he needs a hug for his anger management purposes.

THE GAY COMMUNITY???

Daniel Bryan then transitions the hug into the LeBell/Yes/No/Maybe Lock, and Ryder taps out. Bryan gets the win… but return to the Kinda-Sorta-Somewhat-Lock and the referee reverses the decision giving Ryder a win. Fuck you too referee.

Here is Daniel Bryan’s “I lost to Zack Ryder” face. The angry NO chant starts as Ryder’s music hits.

For some reason the WWE LOVES to show Randy Orton walking backstage as if to tell women “prepare your holes.”

This show NEEDED saving and here is Damien Sandow who would like to beg our indulgence for one moment and he talks about his loss to Sheamus last week. Sandow sees this as nothing more than Karmic Justice. Booker T put him in a match he was unprepared for. Sandow needs proper time to assess his opponents, seek out their weaknesses and exploit them which quite frankly is the reason Sandow has yet to be pinned, thank you. The unwashed masses have a hard time comprehending this but Sandow was disgusted and appalled at the response in the annals of social media. He saw tweets and touts that called Sandow a coward. Sandow assures us this: his actions were intelligent, NOT craven. The anonymous people that send their feelings via social media are the real cowards. And Sandow assures us that none of us have the gumption to dare call Sandow craven to his face. He cannot comprehend the fascination of the WWE with social media. Instead of tweeting, how about reading? When Albert Einstein discovered the theory of relatively Sandow assures all of us he did not TOUT about it and FURTHERMORE…

…IHEARVOICESINMYHEAD-blah-blah. Randy Orton says he wants to fight when asked by Sandow if he has anything to add to the discussion. Sandow is not pleased by this and Randy Orton informs Sandow Booker T CAN and he DID. This is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero.

Vickie is easier to endure with her mouth closed. We should just surgically remove her vocal cords. The world would be a better place. Ziggler’s shirt matches Sandow’s tights by the way. This match happens. I don’t enjoy Sandow/Orton as much as I enjoyed Sandow/Sheamus. Sandow manages to escape and Dolph Ziggler on the commentary booth asks if Sandow went to go get another bathrobe. Sandow gets counted out and has yet to be pinned. Ziggler mocks Orton around the ringside area and Orton slides out of the ring blocking Ziggler’s escape. Orton tosses Ziggler in the ring and beats on him. He hints for the RKO but Sandow has returned … to get RKO’d allowing Ziggler to escape. Meanwhile backstage David Otunga shows Booker T the difference between the neck of a normal person and a person who has been Brogue Kicked. Otunga is prepared to file a lawsuit against the WWE, Smackdown, Eve, Teddy Long, and Booker T if he does not ban the Brogue Kick. Booker T makes a demand of his own since he runs this show. He says he will continue to think it over but David Otunga has a match against Sheamus.

Otunga looks infuriated. This is mainly because he has been Brogue Kicked like 5000 times himself. Kofi and R-Truth come to the ringside area to watch a Triple Threat match between Primo & Epico, the Usos, and the Prime Time Players. One member from each team can be in this match. Primo quickly takes Darren down with the Backstabber but being that the Usos are here too he can’t capitalize right away. This should be interesting. I love that the tag division is being showcased, even if all of them started out already in the ring. Great match with a fast pace and good moves that ends with the Prime Time Players getting another shot at the tag titles.

Teddy looks like he’s about to hand his grandchildren’s college fund to Kaitlyn for some action. Truth be told if I were 96 years old and I had Kaitlyn next to me and it was my last shot at busting one, I’d offer her my grandkids’ college fund too. Kaitlyn mocks Otunga and calls him an ambulance chaser to Teddy. Dolph and Vickie come out here and Kaitlyn leaves before she makes out with him and makes Vickie mad again like on NXT Season 3. Ziggler wants Randy Orton one on one at Night of Champions. Teddy makes Orton vs. Ziggler.

No. She’d have to pay me HER GRANDCHILDREN’S COLLEGE FUND. And Shaul would have to clean my pool for a month.

Wade Barrett is back in action next after some commercials. I’m interested to see Barrett back but I was hoping his return would have some effect on a current angle not to come back to job out Yoshi fucking Tatsu.

Wade’s music has been remixed to sound less gay. His Barrett Barrage shirt is now 85% less gay as well. He also has facial hair. Basically it’s as if they tied Barrett up to machines and filled him full of testosterone. Not that he was weak before, they just made him better on presentation already and he hasn’t even killed the Asian guy yet. No more ass-anchor tights either. Barrett hasn’t lost a step but beating up Yoshi Tatsu isn’t really that impressive because Yoshi Tatsu is pretty much worthless. It’s more impressive to me that Barrett sticks his cock in Alicia Fox. Barrett puts Yoshi Tatsu away with a short-elbow-clothesline. Somewhere in another dimension where Jim Ross has an ass eater goatee Chris Hero is crying. Barrett gets on the microphone after the match and says that matches against Yoshi Tatsu don’t interest him in the slightest. Thank you for agreeing with the rest of the human race, Wade. I personally would make Yoshi Tatsu worship Tensai and get raped by him like Sakamoto too. It would be like Brodus Clay having 2 dancers only much more homoerotic.

Barrett says that it bores him to tears and if he is not put back in to the championship picture immediately he will do something that will make his life much more interesting… I half expect him to pull out Alicia’s ass and start eating it right there in the center of the ring in front of everybody. Instead he tells us WADE BARRETT IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS. Okay… I guess Alicia is the one that does the ass eating then. I… I’m not judgmental, Stu. Whatever floats your boat.

I can’t wait until Wade kills this man. Sheamus walking to the ring means people walking to the bathroom because his title reign sucks. Nobody wants to see Sheamus vs. Otunga because we’ve seen it like 46 times now and it always ends in Otunga getting destroyed, sometimes by the finisher Otunga stole from Finlay before Sheamus stole it from Finlay. It looks like Alberto Del Rio will be giving guest commentary. Before Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, Booker T makes the decision to ban the Brogue Kick. Sheamus shouldn’t even be upset by this – he has 3 other fucking finishers (High Cross, White Noise, Irish Cloverleaf). I hate “banning finishers” because if you’re not versatile enough that your arsenal relies on ONE MOVE you fucking suck. Otunga gets dropped with an Irish Curse backbreaker and locked into the Irish Cloverleaf, which causes Otunga to tap out.

Decent Smackdown, pretty down the middle – nothing great or groundbreaking but nothing too horrible either. Now I can go on, do other things, and so can you. You’re welcome.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com