WWE Originals Music CD Review!
Riv & Cactus Chris™, 2005/01/28 00:34

Original Postdate: 1-11-2004

Above: Because wanting to watch them wrestle obviously means we also want to hear them sing.

Anyway, because of the fact we didn’t want anyone to have to suffer the ill-effects of losing $18.99 to listen to some of the worst music ever composed; Cactus Chris and Riv Deleted have decided to take a track-by-track look at this CD so that you don’t have to.

01: Stone Cold Steve Austin - Where's The Beer?

Cactus: Stone colds skits are the only saving grace on this CD, much like in real life. It’s a damn good thing that his voice isn’t as crippled as his neck.

02: Dudley Boys - We've Had Enough

Riv: This might be the absolute low point in the careers of D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley. Five years ago, I’m sure Bubba Dudley would call anyone who would partake in a similar project a “fuckin’ sellout” and unleash his aggression by setting Spike Dudley on fire then putting him through a table.

That’s when Cactus Chris laid it all out to me in one sentence. “Yes, but back then Bubba and D-Von only made forty dollars a month.” As for D-Von, if there is a God, he’s going to hell, not for impersonating a priest but for taking part in this god-awful track.

To make matters worse, since this is WWE-in-house, expect the Dudley Boyz entrance, the only remaining cool thing about them, to be changed to this track. Because the only way I’d get sicker of the Dudleys is to hear Bubba sing.

03: Trish Stratus - I Just Want You

Cactus: This song kicks off with the phone ringing. Since this CD started I had already begun to stop paying attention, so I reached for my cell phone, and upon hearing a ring tone, I heard a slow, annoying, machine-like voice telling me it felt so right. It scares me that people are going to jack off to this.

04: Rey Mysterio - Crossing Borders

Cactus: If Zorro had a new movie this year, this would be the theme. Much like the movies, this song makes no fucking sense. He talks about “Crossing the border. I bet Rey-Rey getting across the border involved climbing 3 chain link fences, and losing 2 fingers on barbed wire.

05: Stone Cold Steve Austin - Did You Feel It?

Riv: Stone cold interrogates Jim Johnston. I predict a stunner sometime before the CD ends (which would be pointless since we can’t actually SEE the stunner).

06: Booker T - Can You Dig It?

Cactus: IT’S DA BOOKER MAN, YA’LL. Booker raps and raps he does about how hard he had it growing up. No, No mention of Wendy’s, but I’m sure he had that crispy chicken, and baked potato on his mind while recording this track. I don’t feel so bad about stealing anymore, because I know that if I ever get arrested, I can always become a famous professional wrestler.

07: Kurt Angle - I Don’t Suck

Cactus: Kurt tells us he has something to say, and a remix of his entrance music kicks in. He starts singing along with it and informing us he doesn’t suck. Kurt, to tell you the truth, I wasn’t thinking you suck; I was thinking this CD does as a whole. Some say Kurt raps in this song, to me, it sounds like him talking… as the music faded out, I knew my life would be complete once again… until the next track kicked in. “And now Rap meets Rock” Kurt exclaims. Sorry man, Rap met Rock about 8 years ago, and it was called Limp Bizkit (that didn’t sound good, either).

08: Lita - When I Get You Alone

Riv: Even a hardcore Lita fan such as myself can’t condone or endorse this track. First of all, I can’t fucking understand it. Secondly it sounds very bubblegum and pop-like. Think Avril Lavigne only much harder to understand. This song makes small animals go berserk, and knowing Lita’s obsession with animals, it was probably intended for only dogs, and Matt Hardy Version 1.

Mattfact: Matt wears earplugs to protect himself from his girlfriend singing.

09: Stone Cold Steve Austin - You Changed The Lyrics

Riv: All this track needs is JR and the King commentating and talking about how they are glad Johnston is wearing dark pants or some stupid shit like that.

10: Lillian Garcia - You Just Don’t Know Me At All

Cactus: This is like the main theme song from the “Short Circuit 2” movie. It’s one of those “I can overcome adversity” songs that were so popular in the late 80’s and the Karate Kid movies. While it’s clear that Lillian is the only female on this CD who can actually carry a tune, she’s singing the kind of crap that Meatloaf fans go for.

If she’s a big fan of Meatloaf then her slogan should be: “I would do anything for exposure, but I wont sing that!”

11: Eddie & Chavo Guerrero - We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal

DH2: I bet Eddie and Chavo were drunk the whole time they were in the studio.

Cactus: Another good reason why they should have language tests before people come to America. This song sounds like 2 Mexicans fighting over the last bottle of Malt Goya. I bet Eddie recorded this song before he went to rehab. This entire track is their entrance music with more generic Hispanic yelling. The only thing they are missing is the wife references.

Riv: “It’s Chavo and Eddie, even if you have a man he can’t do the things WE can!” –Thank you Los Guerreros, I always wanted to picture an Eddie-Chavo gangbang.

12: Chris Jericho - Don’t You Wish You Were Me?

Riv: Jericho, as usual, is the only good thing about this project. The self-proclaimed “King of the World” sings about how great it is to be himself, and how you suck because you’re not Chris Jericho. Fortunately it’s not like the other tracks on the CD, which for the most part were shitty remixes of entrance themes. This track is in the same musical style as Jericho’s band Fozzy, so I’m sure hardcore Jericho fans will love it.

However, for the record I can't say I wish I was Chris Jericho because it involves jobbing to Hunter Hearst Helmsely on a daily basis and having my talent shit on weekly by the Clique while I'm relegated to interviewing them on an expensive lavish set designed for me to stay out of contention for the World Title.

13: Stone Cold Steve Austin - Drink Your Beer

Riv: Told you there would be a stunner.

14: Rikishi - Put A Little Ass On It

Riv: “Put a little ass on it, like a baby, like a baby.” First of all, I have no idea what the fuck that means, but it can’t be good – This track is the absolute WORST on this entire CD, so bad in fact that you can CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO IT FOR FREE. Rikishi slow sings about putting “ass” on it, and in the commercial claims this song is for the ladies. If I put a WRESTLING CD in my CD player on a romantic evening, not only would it ruin my entire date, but I would never have sex again. Rumor has it being a registered sex offender is more healthy for your lovelife than playing this song for your girlfriend.

15: Stacy Keibler - Why Can’t We Just Dance?

Cactus: “Don’t you just wanna dance?” kicks off this song. Id rather have this CD end early than dance. This sounds like a Britney Spears song, except the chick singing this song has a nicer ass.

For once I bet Test is glad he wasn’t included in a WWE project.

16: John Cena - Basic Thugonomics

Cactus: Man, he got off easy on this doomed album. They put his entrance theme on. If this is basic Thuganomics, I fear what Advanced Thuganomics are like.

This brilliant track is about as boring as his on screen character. “Like a broken needle, kid, you missing the point.” He yells in an attempt to dis. To me, it’s a better description of the song.

This is making Bret Hart’s “It’s never a good time to say goodbye” seem like a Grammy award winner.

This material is coming from the same guy who wrote HHHs theme.

17: Stone Cold Steve Austin - Don't That Taste Good?

Riv: I can’t tell if Steve Austin is pouring beer on Jim Johnston or urinating on him but after the previous 16 tracks I honestly wish I could urinate on him as well.

Oh well, it could been worse. Eric Bischoff could have had his own track.

So there you have it, 17 tracks of horrible, mind-numbing music that won’t be good, even if you’re high. In fact if you play it during a high, expect it to be a bad, paranoia, everyone-is-out-to-get-me high. WWE Originals comes out Tuesday, January 13th, and comes with a free bonus, making-of DVD, so make sure you’re NOT in stores so that you can NOT buy it.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com & Cactus Chris™ - cactusfnchris@gmail.com