Top Five Dead Chicks
Riv , 2005/01/28 00:11

Original Postdate: 11-17-2003

If you read Panzer’s article, “So You Want to Be a Huge Internet Superstar” then you know that one of his rejected article ideas was “Top Five Dead Chicks.” If you didn’t read it then you should, especially if you’re interested in starting a website; it should become required reading. Anyway, I asked Steve why he never wrote a “Top Five Dead Chicks” article and his response was “Dude, I may not have many morals, but I know where to draw the line.” Well, I don’t have morals. I quite enjoy writing things that are offensive and in poor taste, and as such, I compiled a list of five girls that are cold in the grave that could have been hot in my bedroom.

Dead Bitch Number 1: Miss Elizabeth
(Cause of death – Drug Overdose)

When I was a young WWE fan, the first girl that really caught my attention was Miss Elizabeth. She was always the damsel in distress, and the fair lady that accompanied Randy “Macho Man” Savage to the ring. Later, old age would be cruel to her in World Championship Wrestling, and she would eventually die of a drug overdose in Lex Luger’s house. What she saw in Luger, I don’t really know, and I don’t care. I do know that if I ever got to interview Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, or Lex Luger, the first question out of my mouth would be: “Did Liz have a tight twat?”

She must have had something special in that pussy because it seemed like every wrestler in the ‘80s was trying to bang the fucking shit out of her. While Savage, Hogan, and Luger all seem to have been managed by her at some point, Jake The Snake, George Steele, and Ric Flair all seemed to want to take her and have their evil way with her. When she joined the nWo, I’m sure she was subject to many a gangbang.

I do know one thing. If she was tight before, rigor mortis has probably made that vagina much tighter by now.

Dead Bitch Number 2: Aaliyah
(Cause of death – Plane Crash)

It’s rare that I have any remote interest in African-American women, but Aaliyah was a cut above the other hip-hop-hoes. She liked a lot of rock music, and seemed to have a pretty keen interest in a lot of things that made her seem a bit more diverse. She even got to play Akasha in the movie adaptation of Anne Rice’s “Queen of the Damned.” Unfortunately her life met with a tragic end when they tried to pack too much shit in a small little plane which crashed.

She had a nice little body, and they went and burnt it to a crisp. Since she died in a plane crash I’m pretty sure she got cremated, but I do know that pour some water onto the ashes, and stick my cock in the urn and I’ve still got a shot at her.

Dead Bitch Number 3: Princess Diana
(Cause of death – Car Accident)

This one is probably more a fetish thing than an attraction to the actual woman, as Diana was kind of ugly in the face (what the fuck should I expect? She’s British). She did have a nice rack, however, and I’m pretty sure she has low standards because she married Prince Charles, a guy who I often confused with the Elephant Man earlier in my life (that’s not funny and I am not making up that I honestly thought he was the Elephant Man).

No, the fascination with Princess Di is something I can directly link to my undying love of videogames. When I was little it was always “rescue the princess, rescue the princess, and rescue the princess.” I was rather concerned with what color underwear Princess Toadstool had, if any at all? Did Mario bust her hymen, or did King Koopa rape her while he had her in that castle all that time? I don’t know, but all I know is that slipping it to a princess isn’t an easy thing to do, and even less so now that this bitch is dead.

Dead Bitch Number 4: Estelle Getty

What do you mean she’s not dead? Well I’m sure we can count down the days on my hand, and when she goes, she will be a fine fuck. I’m quite interested in making a “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” sequel entitled “Stop (Living) So I Can Shoot (You in the Face).”

I bet this guy above is wondering if she’s a better lay dead than alive…

Dead Bitch Number 5: Dana Plato
(Cause of Death – Suicide)

When I was a little kid and used to watch Diff’rent Strokes, I had a major thing for Dana Plato. Look at her with her pretty green eyes, cute little freckles. She was a hottie. Kimberly Drummond has beauty and money. Noxema is definitely keeping her looking pretty…

…Then when Diff’rent Strokes ended she ended up having tons of mental and drug problems. No one gave a fuck about Kimberly Drummond anymore. Since Dana Plato wasn’t a little black midget, and since hot white girls are a dime a dozen in Hollywood, Dana simply fell through the cracks and had no other choice but to turn to a career in both softcore and hardcore pornography…

…Wow, we’re close to Thanksgiving, and one thing’s for damn sure, that bitch is getting stuffed and stuffed proper. Looking at pictures like this not only fulfills my fantasies about Kimberly Drummond falling into debauchery but also makes me wonder if either Arnold or Mr. Drummond got to dickslap this teen whore before the bitch killed herself.

Wait a minute... That's NOT Noxema...

Anyway, who says Necrophilia can’t be amusing? I don’t know what happens when I die, but if I get to bend one of these bitches over when I get there, it’s safe to say I’m going to enjoy the afterlife just fine.

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-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com