RAW is Riv - 7-2-2012
Riv , 2012/07/02 22:40

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What a stupid week this is turning out to be – Anderson Cooper is gay (no shit dumbasses), Independence Day is in the middle of the fucking week, and Teddy Long is the General Manager of RAW this week – AND tomorrow’s Smackdown is live just to spite us (has there ever been a good Super Smackdown)? Oh well I’m Riv and I’m in a rare aggressive annoyed and frustrated mood.

Of course aside from having this broke down milk-dud headed George Jefferson wannabe as the General Manager we have to deal with his trademark TAGGGGGG TEAAAAAM MMATTTCCCHHHH:

That’s not even… In theory that match should be good. In practice our buzz is already killed because WWE is overusing CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan, because Chris Jericho looks like someone’s Dad now, and because we’ve ALL Cena-Nuff – AND it’s a tag match booked and promoted by TAG TEAM TEDDY. WWE gets pre-empted by commercials during the WWE Signature again as it was last week. We come back to see Big Show wreaking havoc on John Cena. I cannot say I care.

You mean to tell me the RAW and Smackdown briefcases are still Ugly Red and Ugly Blue even though they’ve been renamed the World Heavyweight Title and WWE Title briefcases? C’mon now. John Cena opens the show.

He says “We’ve got a great crowd here!” That’s because it’s a Cena crowd and not a partisan crowd that chants CENA SUCKS at him. We are reminded the Money in the Bank match for RAW and who it contains:

Absolutely atrocious. The briefcase is supposed to elevate talent, not give a bunch of people who are already there or need to go another shot at hogging the glory. I have a feeling that Cena is going to win it and that’s stupid. John Cena is at a career point that allows him to be in the title hunt ANY time he wants. Cena cuts a “standard Cena Promo” which nobody cares about. John Cena is interrupted.

YES! Remember when Daniel Bryan got fired for spitting on Cena, choking Justin Roberts with a tie and yelling at Cena “YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME?” Yes. Daniel Bryan tells Cena that if Cena tries to cash in on Daniel Bryan once Bryan is the WWE Champion, he will lose. CM Punk interrupts this love fest now.

CM Punk says he disagrees with Daniel Bryan as well. CM Punk steals the Daniel Bryan YES chant while making everyone disagree with Daniel Bryan. Suddenly this is interrupted by Daddarache.

Jericho says Bryan shouldn’t be upset about his catchphrases getting stolen and CM Punk retorts to this by calling Y2J Bon Jovi. He says Bryan needs more catchphrases and when Daniel Bryan tries to counter he gets hit with the PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP, and RAW IS JERICHO and nothing will ever, e-e-e-e-ver BE THE SAME AGAIN! I was hoping he’d call some people assclowns. Jericho says he invented the Money in the Bank ladder match and he’s going to win… well… dude? You’ve never won one. He says nobody can tell him otherwise.

…cue Kane. This is starting to get overcrowded.

Really overcrowded. Suddenly at Big Show’s arrival I have the urge to take a shit. Everyone begins fighting one another and this goes chaotic. Big Show is the last man standing in this car wreck. At least that means he won’t talk about his OMG IRON CLAD CONTRACT. Show fucks off as we hit commercials.

Up next the Prime Time Players, David Otunga and Cody Rhodes take on… the entire belt division of the WWE.

I thought R-Truth had a broken foot and couldn’t compete. I’m not a big fan of the played our Kofi Kingston, the babyface R-Truth or Santino. That leaves me with Christian to cheer with against a team of a tag team I reluctantly enjoy, David Otunga the Supreme Entity and Cody Rhodes who has been on a losing streak. Eight Man tags are a bit chaotic. We hit commercials, order was restored during the break. We get back and it goes back to chaos. The Prime Time Players abandon Otunga and Rhodes to get destroyed by the faces. Rhodes leaves Otunga to die as well since Otunga is the reason he lost his Money in the Bank shot…

Otunga is also about to get eaten by Brodus. Brodus prevents Otunga from escaping and he gets gangraped by babyfaces. The kids then come in to dance with Brodus and celebrate the fact Sandusky is in jail for the next 500 years.

FUCK YOU TEDDY LONG. Teddy is approached by Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez who try to kiss up to Del Rio even though he was one of the guys happiest about being rid of Long. Del Rio says he earned a one on one match with Sheamus but it keeps getting turned into triple threats and fatal four ways and he’s never been given a World Title shot and he deserves it and Teddy should make it right. Long says that as of right now Del Rio is the #1 contender for the belt so at Money in the Bank he will face Sheamus and finally get his one on one. Teddy says however that’s the board’s decision. Tonight he has a one on one against a surprise opponent. Del Rio comes out for the “Teddy Long Surprise” while the crowd chants obscenities.

The opponent is Sin Cara. Del Rio blindsides him with a boot to the head during the entrance and begins stiffing the hell out of it and tossing the smaller man all over the place. Del Rio curbstomps him while the crowd shouts obscenities and locks the cross armbreaker on Sin Cara outside before the match starts.

Del Rio killed him. That was hilarious.

YES. MY BONNER IS READY. THE HUMAN TRIPOD IS ACTIVATED. AJ MUST BE OCCUPIED.

Daniel Bryan tries to apologize to AJ but she isn’t buying it.

Heyman is via satellite. Probably so Hunter doesn’t beat him again and because Brock is being a prima donna about his appearances and commitments. We get recaps of Paul Heyman getting his ass kicked by Hunter for implying he’d fuck Stephanie. Heyman basically says it’s not going to be a match if Brock accepts HHH’s challenge. It will be a mercy killing. We’re told up next Sheamus and AJ take on Vickie and Dolph.

What a waste of time that is. Dolph has about 6 or 7 losses to Sheamus and they are doing nothing for him. Vickie in tights is appalling, and AJ is just being thrown in to give her something to do.

I preferred Vickie Guerrero during the 1980s in her cute little commercials under her real name of Mrs. Butterworth.

One day AJ is going to cause my screen capture card to explode among other various things such as my cock. I really adore that woman. I don’t give a fuck about Sheamus so no screenshots are taken. I’ll just sit here and stare. At AJ…and her overwhelming cuteness... yeah... umm... cuteness... that's the word. I'll be right back. Changing my pants.

AJ wins after Sheamus Brogue Kicks Dolph and a distracted Vickie gets hit with the AJ Shining Wizard. AJ runs away YESing. I love that. It makes me imagine her during an orgasm.

YES! HEATH SLATER!!! This is the me & Kara portion of the show because collectively we laugh at this. Slater is angry that they are mocking him and says he’s not a clown. No THIS is a clown:

Heath Slater is about to job to Doink while Michael Cole runs down Jerry Lawler’s feud with Doink during the 1990s. WAIT!

Slater defeats Doink but DDP is out here. DDP gets a huge chant and Slater mocks DDP’s signature BANG taunt only to get dropped with THE RKO OUT OF NOWHERE – oh – sorry – Diamond Cutter.

Kane vs. Big Show – no DQ. No fuck given. Oh well at least the Great Khali isn’t in it. Kane somehow gets speared and chairshotted at the same time and hit with a chokeslam by Big Show who continues to dominate. Good thing this is over. It felt longer than watching the Green Mile in its entirety. At least that movie ends in electrocution though.

Eve tries to kiss up to Teddy Long… he hands her an oversized nametag.

Eve then tries to mock AJ and calls her a little girl who needs to sit in a corner and cry and leave the mind games to the adults.

Meanwhile Tyson Kidd is in singles action. Which demon did Kidd sell his soul to for this push? I spoke too soon because he’s fighting Tensai. Tensai is humpty dumptying Kidd into the corner but he crashes into the corner where he meets nothing and Tyson hits a roll-up on Tensai to get the 3. Fuck yes1 Tyson wins! Tyson wins! Tyson wins! Meanwhile Albert kills Sakomoto again for this.

The cool jacket club begins arguing about which jacket is worse. Daniel Bryan starts YESing and Jericho hits A-GAIN over and over trying to stop him. Backstage CM Punk and John Cena are being buddy-buddy as well.

Backstage Tyson Kidd gets interviewed by Josh Mathews before getting raped by Tensai. That was pointless. Jericho is on the way to the ring for the Teddy Tag Match Playa Playa Playa Holla Nigga Muthafucka Tag match. I sort of don’t care for this main event – WWE is overusing their main eventers to the point they have bored us of them before we needed to be bored of them. I find it ridiculous, frankly. I’m just waiting to see what AJ does for attention at this point. It’s not a bad match mainly thanks to Jericho going to the well and bringing back things such as his cocky C’MON BABY pin and the simple fact that Punk and Bryan are such work-horses. It just feels like they should keep a little more distance between Punk and Bryan than they have for guys that have now fought each other in some way for several Pay-Per-Views and prior to that way too many times along the road to Wrestlemania. Jericho and Cena fight up the ramp while Bryan and Punk are the legal men and Punk was fired up. Cue AJ any second.

These two men are fighting it out and we’re at 3 minutes past the 11 PM hour. Punk hits a delay superplex and yells a YES as he goes for a cover on Bryan who kicks out at 2. AJ’s theme hits as she springs down…

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com