The Rootin' Tootin' Rockin' Rasslin' Show Riv & Johnny Landin, 2012/06/29 23:51
Let me start this off by saying I am 31, have a decent-paying job, in a stable line of work; consider myself to be capable of proper spelling, grammar, and coherent thoughts. That being said: I hate the large group of wrestling fans who make the rest of us look bad because it stereotypes anyone who watches wrestling as being a buffoon. One look at the types of idiots that we have to share our interest with and you’d think you’re not going to a wrestling event but part of the filming of another The Hills Have Eyes movie:
The Dating Game: Retard Edition
Whether it’s some creepy fat kid messaging me on Twitter to discuss how AJ Lee gave him his very first erection, a slob who can only afford plain white t-shirts telling me I watch “Weenies” because TNA is the best, a guy who looks like Hitler mad at me for giving Heath Slater any credit, an obese girl who claims she will be the hot Mama of the WWE & manage John Cena, a crazy chick who showed her rotten vagina to a Teddy Long MySpace account, or Tammy – the retarded wrestling fan that thought Charlie Haas and Randy Orton were going to leave their lives to live in her trailer, one thing is very clear: a lot of fucked up people like wrestling.
Follow on Twitter @RasslinShow and prepare to receive DMs of dicks!
So when I saw a message from the Jeb and Roadie Show offering me fifty bucks to review their show, I was immediately put into a situation. Money talks, bullshit walks. But one look at their Twitter icon shows me that these guys are probably the end result of ten generations of incest.
Also they seem to hate Derrick Bateman for some reason – how can ANYONE hate Derrick Bateman? I, in fact came up with a list of 20 Reasons Derrick Bateman should have won NXT Redemption in spite of how “unfair” it was to Titus O’Neil and Darren Young to make him a “late entry” in the season.
Still business is business and I decided that I would review all the episodes of their YouTube show thus far in one go, with occasional commentary from Johnny Landin because I think that if Johnny and I were the victims of a lobotomy on each of us this would be us in 20 years.
Johnny Landin: I was wondering what happened to Trevor Murdoch, but apparently he turned gay and he and his boyfriend have discussions about wrestling on YouTube now. My suspicions of his sexuality are confirmed by the fact that Trevor Murdoch is wearing a pink flannel in these videos. It’s also worth noting that his boyfriend can barely string together a coherent sentence, and reminds me of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
9 seconds into the first episode and already I’m greeted with two guys that give me “squeal like a pig” vibes re-enacting the New Age Outlaws iconic “Oh You Didn’t Know” entrance, and surrounded by old merchandise. We are then welcomed to the Rockin’ Wrestlin’ Rootin’ Tootin’ Wrestlin’ Show. I think there’s one too many “Wrestlins” in there. These guys then tell us they used to do this at the Elk’s Lodge live for actual people (probably before those people were raped and killed in the basement), and are now going to take over the intrawebs on YouTube. I’m pretty sure at this point these guys have to be a parody but even if they are I’m going to “suspend disbelief” because as a wrestling fan we’re kinda told to do that. The guys, Jeb and Roadie are going to have a weekly review of the wrestling world. I can’t really mock the guy wanting to be called the Roadie when I call myself “The Dragon” sometimes just for the sheer fun of forcing people to call me that, so I’ll give him that one.
Johnny Landin: Look, I love 1998 as much as the next guy, as a matter of fact my Buffy obsession makes me wish it was still the 90's. But it isn't, and the fact that these guys have some kind of strange fetish for the Attitude era worries me. So does the VHS collection on the table in their first video, which leads me to believe they're too poor to afford DVD's.
These two guys hate Big Johnny and begin to sing na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey-goodbye on video. You would think by the way that they dress they’d actually be sad about John Laurinaitis leaving because during his wrestling career he had about the same fashion sense as these guys:
Bitches love skateboarding.
Johnny Landin: I can't figure out if these videos are serious or if they're intentionally trying to be funny. But we all know a large portion of wrestling fans are slightly "off," which leads me to believe this is, in fact, a shoot. And the shaky camera work in the 2nd video, coupled with Cletus wearing a WWF attitude t-shirt, leads me to believe that we are dealing with two full fledged retods.
They begin to run down WWE No Way Out 2012. This isn’t so bad. At 2:13 they gloat about how the show had no Derrick Bateman on there and high five each other. Oh now, come on! I’m not sure if these guys legitimately hate Derrick, actually like him and this is kayfabe, or if they’re dissing him because he is somewhat of an Internet Darling right now. Either way I sense DBDs in both their futures.
I can’t tell if they are high-fiving or about to Heil Hitler.
Jeb then begins to read his show notes from the back of a Dixie plate. I’m not sure if I am astonished that he can’t afford paper or astonished that he CAN afford Dixie paper plates. They then begin reading “fan mail” off the back of a pizza box (this is because they do not have fans – I have NEVER made up fan or hate mail ever on the Internet). Again I’m astonished that they can’t afford paper since its clear Jeb doesn’t miss too many meals and he likes to order pizza. The fan mail asks who the best Hardcore Champion of all time and who on the roster could revive the hardcore division? They think David Otunga could revive the Hardcore Division because he can hit people with the coffee mug. I’m going to disagree and out of spite say “Derrick Bateman.” Screw that answer. Oh and for the greatest Hardcore Champion? Steve fucking Blackman, bitch.
Unfortunately they then decide to list the top 10 “favorite chokeslam” users of all time. They then run down everyone who uses chokeslams that they ever liked. This is like me listing top ten favorite dropkicks. Oh and I’m not going to.
Johhny Landin: This "show" is about nothing, other than Cletus and Trevor recalling their favorite wrestling moments in an OCD-like fashion.
They just start naming people at this point. They then close out… with Road Dogg’s music but the show just promptly ends – no credits, no –letting the full song play out… nothing. I’m not sure what the hell I just saw or what the hell happened here. Is this legitimate? Is this trolling? This is just too much effort to be trolling – from anybody so it might just be real after all. I mean usually trolls just show up on Twitter and spam people asking what religion they are all day long:
Now THAT guy… he knows what he’s doing. It’s so brilliant in its simplicity. Ultimately however these two guys did one thing by existing, and one thing only, and that is “Billy” the annoying mechanic/wrestling fan that used to work at the Southlake Mall. I don’t have a photo of Billy but here is the closest thing I could find on the Internet:
45, heavy deep-south Georgia accent – had a mullet during the entire 1990s and most of the early 2000s. Now, my boss in her infinite “wisdom” (sarcasm: see also STUPIDITY) decided one day while making small talk with Billy to tell him I was a fan of professional wrestling. At this point Billy would never leave me alone and during his (somehow way too frequent) breaks from work he would come in and talk to me about RASSLIN. He would ask me about “when Sting was coming to the WWE?” or constantly talk to me about his adoration of Bill Goldberg and the SPEAR.
Go fucking figure.
Anyway back to Billy… I couldn’t go to the mall without this guy talking to me about Rob Van Dam or why Lita doesn’t wrestle anymore, or a full synopsis of “what happened on RAW last night.” Those of you who read my site know that I recap a lot of wrestling and Billy could probably just have found out here. However, I’m pretty sure Billy couldn’t read (such as not being able to read my faces of disdain every time he spoke to me). The straw that finally broke the camels back for me was when he would approach me and interrupt my conversations with women.
I was 24, had long hair, discounts at both Hot Topic and Gamestop at the same time, fresh out of a 6-year dead-end relationship, and way more rude, loud and arrogant. I was NOT the guy you take to meet your parents (sadly I was more the guy you fuck a few times then never speak to again because you didn’t like that article about burn victims he wrote). But despite the fact that girls liked me, my frail confidence at the time combined with constant misfortune always seemed to cause chaos in my lovelife. And the repeated scenario of Billy doing THIS any time I was talking to ANY woman:
RAW LAST NIGHT! WHAT HAPPENED ON IT? DID GOLDBERG COME BACK?
…needless to say I did not get a telephone number from a girl ANY time that happened. And that is what RasslinShow reminds me of. It’s two of Billy sent from an unknown force to remind me of my pain and suffering. However, now it’s your turn. If you want to be reminded of all the things that make you scared to publicly admit to being a fan of professional wrestling, you can find them all here in one video:
And if you’re a glutton for punishment you can find their entire YouTube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/rasslinshow So I’m going to let Johnny wrap this up because I feel my brain cells dying by the minute here:
Johnny Landin: I've always hated wrestling discussion shows because they're a huge waste of time, but on the plus side at least it gives these two something to do in between humping farm animals.