Sigh – RIP Troy. May you rest well next to the graves of Marion, The Crust, and Francis. TNA recappers: They never last, except for me because what is dead can never die. To be fair however TNA has not been near as painful as it used to be so I expect this to be a cake walk for someone like me who has such a high tolerance for bullshit.
TNA is coming off the heels of the Slammiversary Pay-Per-View. That’s right TNA has been here for ten years. Will they be here for ten more? I doubt it. While I wait for TNA some other show has replaced Jail.
Two guys are trying to get a fat guy out of a tub. Just tell him TNA is on and he’ll go running to watch the Hogans destroy lives. Recaps show that James Storm defeated Crimson at Slammiversary. Two big things are coming – an Ultimate X and the return of the Bound for Glory series.
Additionally there will be a title match between Robert Roode and Ken Anderson – Hopefully Ken Amderson jobs out and fucks off once and for all.
The Ultimate X match will kick off the show and is a Triple Threat between Austin Aries, Chris Sabin (who is soon to be leaving and won’t win) and Zema Ion (who turned a kid into a human paperweight by dropping a knee on his head and thus won’t win either). Still this should be a good match. Zema is disposed of quick. Sabin looks like he doesn’t want to be here (he doesn’t) but nevertheless a lot of good back and forth. You can’t really play by play an X-Division match especially when it has three guys who are all actually decent workers. I’m just watching the fun and carnage of Aries destroying these guys and the crowd actually being alive for it. Airplane spin on Chris Sabin makes me dizzy. I’m not supposed to feel brain damage until Brooke Hogan comes out here, A-Double – put Sabin down. There’s no doubt that Austin Aries is THE MAN in TNA, and he’s clearly the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived when he can make people care about what happens in this company. The longest-reigning X-Division champion has definitely earned this. He sends Ion outside and then back bodydrops Chris Sabin outside as well. Suicide Dive on both men which sends Ion into the security ramp. Aries goes for the belt but Ion manages to pull him down. These two fight and Ion escapes the brainbuster attempt and goes behind Aries. Ion kicks Aries in the face and then attempts to climb the scaffolding to get the X but gets caught by Aries. Now Sabin is back up. Aries basically sends Ion into the scaffolding and Zema falls like a sack of shit to the ground as Aries now tries to navigate the cable. Ion is back up pretty quickly but Aries wraps his legs around Ion and hurricanranas him to the mat. Aries hits a forceful running dropkick and the brainbuster and Zema Ion is now dead. Aries wraps his legs around the cable and like a spider manages to grab his X-Division belt and retain it.
Austin Aries is the fuckin’ man. A-Double gets the microphone after the match and says that when he walked in here he said there wasn’t a person in Impact he couldn’t beat and that he was the complete package in professional wrestling. He says that they gave him an inch, he took a yard, they gave him a yard, he took a mile and whether he’s the 1st, 4th or last match he is always the main event and always must-see-TV. He is Mr. Money’s Worth – but he’s not satisfied with just the X-Division title and he’s not here to earn respect, he’s here to take it. This cues Hulk Hogan’s music.
With how bad Hogan’s knees are he should invest in one of those Big Johnny People Power Pimp Mobiles. It’s not like Hogan can get along very well. We cut to commercials before we get to hear Hogan speak and for once I’m intrigued by Hogan if only because his face would indicate he’s not going to give Aries (or us) what we want here because he looks utterly unimpressed with AA. Coming back from commercials Hogan says he isn’t deaf and he hears all the hoopla. Hogan seems to take exception to Aries saying he’s the main event no matter where he’s at. Hogan says wherever Aries is going Hogan has already been (except able to wrestle). Surprisingly Hogan turns this into complimenting what Aries does in the ring and saying that Aries has taken this to a whole new level. Hogan tells Aries that he is the greatest thing he has seen in this ring – Aries says he wants to be the man and he wants to be the main event. Hogan says he can make Aries the main event of Destination X but he has to put his money where his mouth is. Hogan says he will book it but Aries has to give up the X-Division championship because Hogan can’t have one guy carrying both Division belts – but he has to do it now – which means that if Aries loses at Destination X he won’t be a World Champion or an X-Division champion. Aries isn’t too pleased about having to hand over the belt – Hogan says he doesn’t want Aries to just ditch it but he wants Aries to be better than what he is now and to do that he needs to go for the World Title. Hogan decides to give Aries a week to think this over. This could be epic since Aries dropping the belt gives him an automatic “I never lost that belt” if a World Division run doesn’t work out.
After a Slammiversary video we’re told we’re going to talk to the first man inducted in the TNA Hall of Fame, Sting. This is stupid as shit. The TNA Hall of Fame is a joke. But I’ll give them a pass since the rest isn’t horrible. In the back Joseph Park is eating (go figure) with a bunch of guests talking about how he defeated Bully Ray.
Everyone takes off as Bully shows up and asks Joseph Park where his brother is. Oh how the tables have turned. Initially Park was looking for Abyss, now Bully is looking for Abyss and asking Park. Joseph doesn’t know so Bully Ray spits in his food and fucks off while Joseph Park makes his awesome silly faces.
Hernandez has turned face again, but has no buns so I’m not pleased. He’s in a TV title match against D-Von. Solid booking, actually. Hernandez did have a good match and impressive victory over Kid Kash at Slammiversary. SuperMex suicide dives D-Von before the bell rings outside and tosses him in for a cover. Nice aggression. A lot of back and forth strength and power displays by both men. D-Von manages to retain in the end. D-Von’s been a solid TV champion surprisingly.
We’re shown how last week Dixie Carter was confronted by Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian who have revealed Dixie has been having an affair with AJ Styles and as they mocked the good name of SERGE, REAL ULTIMATE TNA POWER. Carter was saved by AJ Styles.
SERGE! SERGE THEN PUNCHED AJ STYLES IN THE FACE and walked off. Earlier AJ Styles told Dixie he doesn’t want to “do this anymore.” AJ Styles says that they can’t keep this secret anymore – Styles has a match tonight and Dixie tells him they can talk about this later. We get an “earlier today” shot of Bobby Roode entering the arena in a bad mood. We’re told the opening match of the Bound For Glory series is beginning now and is a gauntlet match.
KKK-J Styles is starting off. The next man out and his opponent is Jeff Hardy.
Jeff Hardy looks like a gang of Mexican spray-paint vandals gangbanged his face. We are told that this is essentially a BFG Royal Rumble with over the top rope eliminations and 90 seconds between each new competitor coming out and the winner gets 20 BFG points. This should be decent. I feel like everything in TNA has been sensible thus far. The only botch here is that there’s no countdown clock to the 90 second limit. The next man is on the way out:
I fuckin’ wish it was Carlito. Sadly it’s Rob Van Dam. You get the idea. During the break Magnus and now Bully Ray are joining the ring. Kurt Angle is up next. This is a great idea but feels so weird without a fucking buzzer to go with the countdown clock. It feels like a Broken Royal Rumble. The Pope is up next. He still exists?
Abyss appears from under the ring and attacks Bully Ray and turns him into the first man eliminated. Abyss is not part of the series. No eliminations during the break and now we find Robbie E is part of the series. Van Dam somehow gets eliminated. Daniels is the next man out here. Styles immediately goes after Daniels. A miscommunication causes AJ to clash with Angle, his tag partner and both Angle and Styles end up eliminated by Daniels one after the other. Mr. LAST YEAR’S NEGATIVE POINTS, Samoa Joe is out next. Joe tosses Robbie E out. A staredown ensues between Joe and Magnus but they begin fighting each other immediately and Magnus manages to kick Joe in the face but when he tries to rush Joe, Joe holds the ropes down causing Magnus to eliminate himself. James Storm now makes his way to the ring and immediately gets rid of the Pope. Storm begins destroying Daniels with a clothesline and a codebreaker and clotheslines Daniels out of the ring, eliminating him after Daniels attempts the Last Call Superkick. The final two: Samoa Joe and James Storm. We’re told we have one more and that person will be whichever man is not the World Heavyweight Champion after Anderson and Bobby Roode lock it up (in other words Ken Anderson). Storm manages to drop Joe after a close one and a lot of apron fighting. James Storm gets 20 points to kick off the Bound For Glory series.
After the match Storm gets the microphone and talks about the soul searching he has done sitting at home for two months and how he has realized wrestling means a lot to him but it also means a lot to his daughter. Storm says that he hopes and prays that at the end of the Bound For Glory series Roode is still the champion so Storm can not only win the title but have the bonus of whippin’ Roode’s ass. Great face promo by James Storm. Highly effective. Bobby Roode gets interviewed about what happened backstage and he says he’s not concerned afraid or scared.
AJ Styles gets scolded by Angle for being a fuck up and told to get his head straight. From here we go to Brooke Miss Tessmacher winning the Knockouts Title.
Tonight Madison Rayne will be in singles action against Tessmacher.
Hi, WELCOME TO HOOTERS! I wonder if she brings the belt with her while she waits tables at Hooters.
This match is boring and somewhat predictable.
Eww, no. Brooke Hogan. Yuck. She looks prostitution. She tries to put Gail in a fatal four way for the Knockouts Title Shot – and Gail is told off by Brooke that the rematch is at Brooke’s discretion so Gail can essentially go fuck herself. That was painful albeit brief.
Anderson vs. Bobby Roode is up next. No fucks are given about Ken Anderson. I decide to go play Soul Calibur V instead. Bobby wins. No fucks given. Most people knew that would happen. Ken Anderson fails at entertainment and at life.
Jeremy Borash is going to interview Sting about the Hall of Fame. The Hall of Fame thing is such a sham. The fact that Mr. And-totally-boring had a match to end the show and the fact we’re revolving the end against the Hall of Fame which shouldn’t exist after only ten years is pretty shitty – at least the rest of the show was solid.
Sting thanks Dixie Carter and the Jarretts but then gets beat up by 3 Smoke from Mortal Kombats. Sadly a fatality is not performed. That… umm… what? That probably should never have closed the show. Still I guess it’s not as bad as usual TNA episodes but since that particular moment sucked, FUCK TNA. I had to. It’s tradition.