Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 (X-Box 360)
Riv , 2012/05/16 15:06

Publisher:	Capcom
Genre:	Fighting
Players:	1-2 Players
Rating	Teen
The Good:	Oh, hey, new characters. That’s always good, right?
The Bad:	Other than new characters, most of the changes offered nothing new here and could easily have been done by just making DLC for the previous title, Marvel vs. Capcom 3.
The Ugly:	Capcom once again plagues one of their games with annoying achievements only professional fighting game tournament players can hope to accomplish.

Capcom: Developing the Gamer-Equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome” since 1992.

Well, Capcom, you did it again. You fucked me. You didn’t wine me. You didn’t dine me. You didn’t ask me for permission to stick it in my ass. You didn’t even use lube. You just pulled down my pants and fucked me. And by the time I’ve written this you’d have already done it again with Street Fighter X Tekken but after not being able to download DLC without reliving the horror of Capcom FUCKING ME, every time I have since then I have cried.

You used to be my best friend Capcom. Mega Man, Street Fighter II, Resident Evil and hell even the first few Breath of Fire games weren’t too bad. But then you changed. YOU FUCKED ME. And you didn’t even say “I’m sorry.”

Capcom. YOU RAPED ME.

If you want a full review of the merits of this title, I suggest you go back and read my review of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 because this is virtually the same game with extra characters. I am going to spend the rest of this review coping with Capcom’s violent digitally erotic assault on my wallet and integrity.

The first time Capcom did this, it was ok. It was with consent. It was 1992 and Capcom had gained great success with the their big hit Street Fighter II which had become a success to the point everywhere you went there was an SF2 arcade machine just waiting for you to beat the shit out of people with one of eight World Warriors. Even when you didn’t have someone to play against, the computer was challenging enough that you pumped and pumped, quarter after quarter, thrusting them in that coin slot. That’s when the gamers were the ones doing the fucking instead of being fucked – so in ’92 Capcom created Street Fighter II: Champion Edition which allowed the four “boss characters” to be playable for the first time. The addition of Balrog, Vega, Sagat, and M. Bison to the roster gave us four characters we had always watched the CPU use to destroy us but never got to use ourselves. But that’s also when Capcom started their path of rape. You see, while the arcades had four new characters in 1992, the consoles at home were still one game behind with original Street Fighter 2. If I close my eyes I can still hear Nin Nin and Akiman laughing, knowing they just stuck their finger in my ass hole. I WAS FUCKING 12, YOU SICK PERVERTS – WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU RELEASE STREET FIGHTER II AT HOME KNOWING CHAMPION EDITION WAS ON THE WAY?

In 1993, Capcom would release Super Street Fighter II Turbo to the home consoles. Finally the four bosses were playable from home. And there was comfort. Walking around in my underwear with a controller in my hand while playing Street Fighter was the in thing to do. What I didn’t see was Capcom hiding behind my radiator, masturbating to the thoughts of what they were going to do next.

They raped me again. This time with four new characters in the arcades I couldn’t play at home, when the same year saw the release of Super Street Fighter II. They said I would like it. They said it was ok because they created Cammy as one of their four new characters and she as blonde and showed her ass all the time. That I would enjoy the rape this time and that I would learn to love it.

Street Fighter II was the same game five times in a row and Capcom made me pay extra every time they wanted to add something without ever making a true sequel. Fortunately Capcom felt remorse, and rehabilitated itself. Time marched on. My ass recovered. Capcom actually started releasing sequels to games instead of “Super Turbo Hyper Duper editions” that had extra characters just to force me to spend $60 a pop to get my hands on them. Life was good. Capcom and I renewed our healthy relationship… as friends. Capcom was looking good. They showed me new Mega Man games, and introduced me to Jill Valentine in Resident Evil. We smiled, we laughed, we talked of days gone by. We were finally able to laugh about Super Street Fighter II Turbo now. How childish we had been. Little did I know that the Dark Passenger in Capcom’s mind was telling Capcom: “Now that you have regained his trust, YOU MUST RAPE HIM AGAIN.”

Street Fighter IV would come out and would actually be kind of good. You see, Capcom tried to get to second base with Street Fighter III but I cut it off saying “hey Capcom, what are you trying to accomplish? I have no interest in you that way.” Nobody did. Street Fighter III was the shame of the series and there wasn’t really much that could make it better. Capcom was not happy by the rejection. It had been a long time since Capcom had put cock into ass. Street Fighter IV would change that. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It felt like the glory days of Street Fighter II again and everyone enjoyed it.

…until I closed my eyes and remembered the rapes – and before I knew it, Capcom had shoved it’s dick in my ass again. Super Street Fighter IV tore me a new one without hesitation. Fortunately Capcom at least put a condom on this time – 12 new characters as opposed to the normal 4 made the dick less painful. Almost… pleasant. Having to re-earn all the achievements I had gotten in Street Fighter IV, however, did not. The condom broke and Capcom refused to pull out. I begged them to stop but they slapped me and called me a “stupid bitch” and told me “you deserve this.”

They then double-penetrated me with Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition adding Yun, Yang, Evil Ryu, and Oni to the mix. And it hurt. Badly. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME AGAIN CAPCOM? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! I THOUGHT WE GOT PASSED THIS. Capcom didn’t even comfort me. It left me in the fetal position crying as it pulled its pants up and walked out the door. I tried to press charges this time but the courts said “Capcom’s pimp like that.” They laughed at me. They mocked my suffering. And then I found that I had been impregnated with Capcom’s rape-baby: Marvel vs. Capcom 3. I nutured it, and cared for it. We never spoke of the acts CAPCOM had committed against me – the violation of my soul, the destruction of my self-confidence. I tried to recover and enjoy my baby – until one day a knock at the door happened. I opened it. Capcom was there. It was angry. It slapped me across the face like a bitch. I fell. I pleaded with Capcom to stop. But this time it didn’t want to rape me.

It wanted to rape my baby.

Next thing I know I woke up… to see Marvel vs. Capcom 3 had become Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 - I also woke up short $39.99, with a soreness in my ass, and my child had been possessed by Satan (but with another 12 characters, although since teams are in groups of 3 this might as well be like offering only 4 new characters). I cried and I cried. I can never escape the behemoth dick of Capcom or their bad business practices of releasing everything “a la carte” for the sole purpose of anally bleeding me for every cent that I have just to play as fucking Hawkeye.

I hate you Capcom. I hope you burn in hell.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com