The Worst Marvel Team-Up Ever!
Riv , 2005/01/27 19:35

Original Postdate: 6-9-2003

As you may have noticed, we here on JasonRivera.com happen to have a somewhat vested-interest in comics. Between our Preacher references and banners of the past, articles featuring lots of superheroes, it’s safe to say we’ve been raised on comic books.

With that being said, I take myself back to when I first started collecting. I was, and still am a huge Spider-Man and X-Men fan. If Spider-Man had an issue out, I was going to buy it, whether it be Spider-Man, the Amazing Spider-Man, the Spectacular Spider-Man, Web of Spider-Man, Deadly Foes… you get the point.

The problem is I was also a young, stupid, naïve little kid with no true knowledge of comic book worth. Enter Eddie Meltzer, my downstairs neighbor on the fourth floor in the Skyview apartment complex.

Eddie was for the most part a punk, who used to start trouble and cause havoc. He used to want to be cool, and he was Russian-born, American-raised, and loved to curse out his Russian grandmother in English because she had no idea what the hell he was saying. In retrospect, Eddie Meltzer is probably the reason I have no respect for Soviets on this site.

Anyway, Eddie, ever the opportunist, and several years older than me, informed me that 1 old comic is better than 5 new ones and also more valuable. He traded me 5 really good McFarlane-era Spider-Man comics (featuring Wolverine, and against Wendigo), for two issues of Dazzler, and by far the most brutal comic ever to bear the Marvel name. Are you ready for this?

Marvel Team Up #137: Aunt May and Franklin Richards Versus… GALACTUS!!!

The worst part? I was pretty fucking sure I got a good deal. Wherever Eddie is, I hope he got a hate-crime committed on him for being such a dickhead and I’m glad his home country is poor now.

Marvel Team-Ups are usually pretty brutal, to begin with. I mean, when you have Spider-Man teaming up with Jay Leno, or the Saturday Night Live cast, or when you have the Avengers teaming with David Letterman, that’s pretty shitty. Even Howard the Duck’s been in a Marvel Team-Up in his day, but nothing can prepare you for the horror that is a small child and an old woman taking on Galactus in the battle to end all battles.

Chances are even if you are not an avid comic book reader, you already know the common knowledge that Aunt May raises Peter Parker (Spider-Man), and Franklin Richards is the child of two of the members of the Fantastic Four. Both of whom are regular people (or at least were back in 1983) So what’s a Galactus you ask?

Galactus is a Deity-type character in the Marvel Universe who lives only by devouring planets. He must consume worlds to live, and he must do it very often. The more advanced and populated the planet, seemingly the more energy it gives Galactus. Galactus also has God-like powers that allow him to turn mortal man and woman into cosmic entities to serve him by finding him planets which he can eat so that he can continue to exist. The most popular character to come from Galactus’ powers is the Silver Surfer.

Galactus, in all his infinite power, and wisdom however, is also acclaimed as the shittiest dresser in the Marvel Universe, wearing a big blue suit, with purple trim, and pink gloves, boots, and a bright pink helmet with funny antlers on the side. I guess when you’re the size of a small galaxy you can wear whatever the fuck you want, but still, why would you dress like a gay pope?

Our comic starts off with Galactus’ herald Nova, dying. Heralds are supposed to find him his planets which he can eat, but the last planet he found blew itself up rather than let Galactus eat it, so he’s shit-out-of-luck. Our giant friend with the gay helmet really doesn’t want to have to eat any planets that have living people on it, but he doesn’t have the strength to be choosy right now. He tells us that he knows of only one man with enough knowledge to save the life of Galactus, and thus this man shall become his new herald.

Meanwhile on earth, Peter Parker and Mary Jane have brought Aunt May to see the circus, thinking she will have a good time. Isn’t it funny how as a society we treat old people the same way we treat children? I mean, if I were 80 years old or so, why would I want to go to the fucking circus? Coincidentally the trio are sitting right next to our good friend from Fantastic Four, the Thing, and he’s brought little Franklin with him. Another thing that’s always been somewhat amusing is that the Thing chooses to wear the same trenchcoats and hats that you see child molesters and serial flashers sport. Would YOU trust your kid to anyone dressed like this?

I mean he seems like the type who would sacrifice your kid to some Egyptian God or eat him to grow his skin back or something.

For some reason, Mr. Fantastic starts reading over some poor guy’s shoulder than there is trouble in San Diego. I don’t care if you have special powers or not, isn’t that just a little bit fucking rude? We don’t exactly get told what, but suddenly we’ve got the Fantastic Four and Spider-Man suiting up and leaving their loved ones behind at the Circus.

Wouldn’t you know Galactus just missed him? For a powerful, omnipotent guy, he surely doesn’t have any etiquette. He could have at least called and left a message first. Galactus crashes the circus, and finds Franklin and Aunt May. Since Galactus isn’t feeling choosy about with of the Richards’ family he gets, he tried to turn Franklin into a herald using his golden optic blast of power.

Galactus misfires and hits Aunt May. You know, this guy’s pretty fucking pathetic for an almighty… If he doesn’t eat he becomes a pussy, he wears pink boots and antlers, doesn’t pick up the phone, hires other people to do his dirty work, and on top of that he has the worst aim and accuracy of anyone in the Marvel Universe.

Aunt May becomes the Golden Oldie, but Galactus can care less who becomes what as long as they’re able to feed him. Geez, learn to cook for yourself, you fucking dork! Franklin tries to buy the devourer of planets off with some Twinkies because in the late '70s/early ‘80s comics were nothing more than giant advertisements for junkfood and Kool-Aid.

In the worst turn of events to ever grace comic panels, Galactus not only eats the pastries out of mock-pity for Franklin, but even worse they SERVE TO REPLENISH HIS ENERGY. Galactus rubs his tummy and licks his lips as he eats an entire snack-bar of Twinkies, leaving Aunt May to rob everyone on earth of their Hostess snacks…

Before we get to the horrible result of Galactus eating the earth’s supply of Twinkies, here is a comic book ad for Bubble Yum with an “unscramble the fun” mini-game. I’ll have you know that unscrambling a bunch of 1st grade-reading level words was a lot more entertaining than the rest of this entire damn comic book.

Back to the lame story. Aren’t you glad I’m reading this piece of shit comic, and not you?

Galactus runs out of Twinkies, meaning that Aunt May must now find him planets. Wouldn’t you know that out in deep space, Aunt May finds a GIANT FUCKING TWINKIE?!?

Suddenly a Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man guy complains that he created this delicious planet made of sponge-cake and a creamy white filling. Galactus comes for the Twinkie Planet and ingests it. Aunt May suggests that Galactus make the Stay Puff guy bake Planet-sized Twinkies for him so that she can go home where somehow Franklin’s mutant powers absorb the Power Cosmic turning Aunt May back into an old woman. We finally see the Fantastic Four and Spider-Man return to tell us that they went to save some Editors that were in trouble but Dazzler already did it, and to see Dazzler #30. They arrive just in time to see Galactus return, and this time he has come for milk with which to wash-down his Twinkies.

(Definition of "Dazzler" for the Comic Book Illiterates: a weak Disco-Queen character that can turn sound into damaging light and was made right after Disco died. She joined the X-Men for a time, sucked ass, and married another mutant named Longshot with a bad Rod Stewart haircut and was thankfully never seen again).

In the end however, it turns out to be a series of bad dreams meaning this comic never really happened meaning that they probably should have never even wasted our time producing it meaning that 60 cents was overcharging back in ’83, and meaning I *STILL* got jipped out of some decent issues. Steve tried to justify this for me to cushion the blow of being ripped off when I was a child:

Steve Jeffery: If it makes you feel any better, although the McFarlane comics were worth money back then; now they're worth nothing!

Jason Rivera: True, but those were also better reads. At least the heroes didn’t buy Wendigo off with Twinkies.

Steve Jeffery: VERY true.

A second ad - Wouldn’t it be “da bomb” to hang out with THESE GUYS?

In short, this comic sucked all levels of ass, and should be kept in bathrooms across the world in the emergency that you run out of toilet paper and need to wipe your ass, and even then, would you really want a picture of a THIS GUY wearing pink to touch the inside of your asshole?

Didn’t think so.

Now for my final thought. Remember when comic books used to publish fan mail with the names and addresses of the readers? It’s really a shock to me that some crazy serial killer didn’t start jotting down the addresses and murdering people, really. Something like this is a threat to public safety.

Still, sometimes thoughts go into my head like: Does Renee Trang of 53-31 Junction Blvd, Elmhurts, NY, 11373 STILL READ Marvel Team-Up comics? Does she know her fan-mail got published? Is she embarrassed and ashamed that her home address is in the worst comic book to ever be written?

Oh well, next issue:

I always knew there was something a bit queer about a guy who turns into sand…

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com