Smackdown is Riv - 3-23-2012 Riv , 2012/03/23 11:52
It’s time for Smackdown. I wonder how much of this show is going to be recaps. The worst thing about Smackdown during Wrestlemania season is how much time is devoted to what happened on RAW earlier in the week. If it weren’t for the fact RAW is now a “super show” you probably wouldn’t even get to see a lot of the Smackdown talent – hell you don’t see a lot of them anyway to be honest. I’ll probably at least check my Star Wars: The Old Republic auctions or something. Oh, and fuck Green Day by the way. This is also the last Smackdown before Wrestlemania that will have anything on it as next week’s will probably be a 2 hour hype video for Wrestlemania.
Oh man. THAT is tonight’s main event? I love what CM Punk and Daniel Bryan can do in there but they shouldn’t cross paths so often due to the fact that later on this could be a money-making feud in the long-term. I stopped caring about Sheamus due to the Be-A-Star-Overdose they have his promos set to, and the Miz is a fucking joke. In fact the Miz sucks so bad that Daniel Bryan would be better off in a handicap match than tagging with him.
I still stand by my statement that the Miz looks like Sad Frog. Daniel Bryan is the first one down and YES’s his way down to the ring with AJ in tow which makes me happy.
The things I would do to her. I would… take her to Olive Garden.
I would make love to her under the Eiffel Tower.
Daniel Bryan continues to YES as he grabs the mic. He decides to put AJ on the spot for a minute and wants her to tell us what it’s like for her to be in love with the World Heavyweight Champion. She starts talking about how she has a match tonight and how Daniel Bryan is going to be in her corner and he immediately takes the microphone away.
I would give her her own microphone. It would have lights and sounds and have special sound effects, and I would invite her to my house to drink Nesquik. She talks about how Daniel Bryan caresses her and has the softest lips and sometimes at night they spoon. This is great. It’s almost implying that they never have sex and this makes me happy. In my pseudo-universe created by my psychosis AJ is saving herself to me even though I know that’s not the case. And we eat buttered toast in the mornings. And you’re not invited, Daniel Bryan! AJ is instructed to keep going and tell us all that Daniel Bryan is brave, courageous, generous, a vegan whose body is a temple and mind and spirit are pure and above all that he makes her feel safe and that’s why she really enjoys cuddling. He tells her to say something else and she nods her head no… I think she was just asked to discus anal, or something, she mutters “that’s personal” under her breath at him.
That look is absolutely hilarious. Smug Daniel Bryan is smug. She is told to tell the crowd “Daniel Bryan is a great lover.”
DAMN IT DANIEL BRYAN STOP MAKING THOSE FACES! I’M ALREADY 7 SCREENCAPS IN. MORE IMPORTANTLY THIS SHATTERS THE WORLD I HAVE CREATED IN MY PSYCHE WHERE AJ LEE HAS NEVER SEEN A PENIS BEFORE! GODDAMN YOU DANIEL BRYAN, GODDAMN YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! …that’s so not fair. After telling us he’s going to beat Sheamus she goes for a hug and Daniel Bryan yanks himself away from her. AJ, I would hug you. I would hug you all night and console you for being victimized by this Evil Vegan from planet Indy, and we would watch great movies together such as Ghost and The Princess Bride and there would be popcorn and 1-Up pillowcases. I have them.
I would introduce her to my family… OK, maybe not since my family is kinda-sorta fucked up, but I would think about it! As Daniel Bryan is leaving Sheamus arrives. Sadly I have a feeling this is going to end up in an ANTI-BULLYING promo and they’re going to state that Bryan is bullying AJ Lee. I hate Anti-Bullying Sheamus. I love Bully Sheamus, though. See what I did there? Sheamus claims this promo made him throw up in his mouth and begins asking AJ if she believes any of what she said about Daniel Bryan being brave and courageous. Sheamus adds that Bryan is a coward. Sheamus doesn’t even want to “go there” about Daniel Bryan’s soft lips. I’m proud of Sheamus – not one BE A STAR reference has been made yet. Sheamus tells us at Wrestlemania he’s going to kick Bryan’s teeth down his throat. This makes me happy because it means Sheamus won’t be trying to use his shitty version of Finlay’s Cross to put Bryan down for the three.
IT’S THE ABRAHAM WASHINGTON SHOW STARING ABRAHAM WASHINGTON UH-HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH. UH-HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH. UH-HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH. UH-HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH. Oh man, I’m one of like four people who actually liked that segment back on ECW. I have no idea what Mark Henry is about to do with Abe here, but it can’t possibly be a good thing. I bet Tony Atlas is creaming himself to see two guys he was affiliated with in his last WWE run on television at the same time. Nothing is said, though – Mark Henry just goes to the ring to fight R-Truth in what I dub as “the blackest match in WWE history.” I don’t DO Mark Henry matches. I have a feeling that this is going to end with a lot of interference as does anything involving Team Teddy and Team Johnny. Booker T is excited by this match, naturally. World’s Strongest Slam and R-Truth gets crushed and surprisingly there was no interference. Good on WWE for that one. Speaking of big men the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame is the late, great, Yokozuna. That was one scary fat man. It’s sort of funny because even though he was billed as Japanese he was Samoan. Some of the promo videos say it best that he was one of the best big men to ever get in the ring. I wonder who will induct him. He is related to the Rock by the way. We’re then shown Zack Ryder campaign to get on Team Teddy for Wrestlemania. That will probably happen since they’re showing this. Ryder is backstage with Santino, Kofi Kingston and Aksana. Teddy says he doesn’t want the distraction that is his situation with Eve getting in the way and Ryder brings in Hornswoggle waving a giant flag with Teddy Long’s face.
I wish someone would throw an atomic bomb in this room, except that would probably kill all the people I like including my beloved, darling, precious April Jeanette, so instead I'll settle for a gas canister full of Zyklon-B or something. Teddy again says this isn’t big enough and Zack Ryder brings the Great Khali in full Broski gear and says that if Ryder is in, Great Khali will be in, too.
This is worse than AIDS. This is the stuff of fucking nightmares. I hope Team Teddy loses solely based on the fact Khali is on the team.
THANK YOU WWE FOR MAKING IT UP TO ME. Oh, I want to cook her a nice dinner, and serenade her by candlelight. I… just want to touch her hair. I just want to touch her hair. Apparently she has a match against Brie Bella. I believe she beat Nikki last week.
Sluts. Sluts. That is all. Nikki tried to give Brie advice but Brie shut her up saying that unlike Nikki, Brie can get the job done. That’s probably true – Brie gets everything. She’s the official on-record Bella who won the Divas title. She’s also getting dick from Daniel Bryan in real life. Brie begins to mock AJ by snapmaring her and then yelling “YES YES YES YES YES!” Brie begins working on the head and neck of AJ and I… still want to take AJ out on a ride on a ferris wheel and buy her cotton candy. AJ is hung on the top rope hard, and I have to give it to Brie Bella – it looks like Daniel Bryan might be teaching her how to wrestle in more than just the bedroom. Brie begins slamming AJ’s head against the mat repeatedly and trying to overpower her. AJ rolls through and goes for a pin but gets a two count and quickly clotheslined down by Brie who begins to wrench the head and neck again while Daniel Bryan yells at AJ and tells her she better not tap. AJ tries to fight out but Brie puts a a knee in the midsection but AJ hits a head-scissors into a LeBell Lock variation. Nikki and Daniel Bryan begin to argue on the apron and Brie tries to attack AJ from behind but AJ sidesteps and Nikki is knocked down instead. Roll-up, and 1-2-3. AJ Lee wins! I want to celebrate! I want to celebrate with fine wine and cuddles! Call me, AJ.
After the match Nikki mocks Brie for not taking her advice. Nikki takes this time to start reading Brie the riot act. These two have Hardcore-and-Crash Holly’d themselves on two prior occasions and it failed so if this is leading to a Bella vs. Bella-anything it’s just going to fail. Unlike Crash however they don’t choke on vomit, just cock. Nikki unofficially turns face by claiming she is rooting for Team Teddy but Brie is rooting for Team Johnny. Are we SERIOUSLY breaking up the Bellas over the GM Wars? We are reminded Miz and Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk and Sheamus is up later tonight. Thanks for the bad news.
We go from bad to worse as Vickie Guerrero humpty-dumpties her way out here to introduce Jack Swagger. CHECK ONE-TWO, AWW YEAH!!!
Swagger should really consider hiring David Otunga to sue his hairstylist for that combover. He’s got a one-on-one with Zack Ryder who has brought Hornswoggle with him. Well, shit. Sorry, Jack. They’re not going to make Zack Ryder lose this since it’s his first match in like two months. I’m tired of Jack Swagger jobbing. Decent match, though – since Swagger doesn’t look like a total jobber for most of it. Hornswoggle chases Vickie onto the apron and as Swagger checks on her he turns around just in time to job out. Vickie has done more harm to Jack’s career than good. She cost him the US title in the cage match with Santino too. I wish he’d put her in the ankle lock. Or in Vickie’s case is it the Cankle Lock? Footage is shown from RAW of Cody Rhodes handcuffing the Big Show and beating him with boxing gloves on. I admit, I laughed. Earlier today Cody Rhodes as interviewed by Matt Striker.
Wait. Chronologically speaking Striker is supposed to be tied up in somebody’s basement right now or something. PEOPLE DO WATCH NXT. Rhodes tells us he’s enjoyed mocking the Big Show and it reminds people what Big Show does on the grandest stage of them all – chokes. Cody is glad to have embarrassed the Big Show and the biggest embarrassment will be at Wrestlemania because it’s also April Fool’s Day and the biggest fool in the WWE will lose to Cody Rhodes. Big Show is fighting Kane again tonight. Oh, fuck that. Also, fuck Flo Rida who is apparently booked to play music for the Rock on the way to the ring for Wrestlemania. We know that Machine Gun Kelly is playing for Cena on the way to the ring at Wrestlemania so now it seems that music acts for main events are going to happen all the fucking time just because they happened for Miz vs. Cena last year. As Big Show comes to the ring to fight Kane again, I want the world to go fuck itself. I hope Rhodes kicks Big Show into oblivion at Wrestlemania. Rhodes attacks Big Show again from the crowd after the match causing him to win by disqualification and then chases Rhodes into the crowd. While Rhodes and Show play Tom and Jerry Randy Orton slides into the ring and RKOs Kane.
I bet Cameron and Naomi are animals in the bedroom. Brodus Clay is here to job Heath Slater out. More importantly Cameron and Naomi have big asses.
DAT ASS!!! Damn. There is only one thing I can say about that:
ASS TA’ ASS!
Heath Slater is promptly murdered. That’s really all you need to know. Meanwhile backstage Eve Torres is still trying to butter up Zack Ryder, who overreacts and thinks Zack Ryder called her stupid by acting like a bitch on her period. She smiles as she leaves Zack confused. WHIPPED. Christian comes out for guest commentary as Great Khali comes to the ring for a one on one match accompanied by Teddy Long. I have no idea what the fuck is going on here. They show recaps of the GM Wars earlier this week – how the fuck did I miss Big Johnny mocking the stupid Santino-trumpet thing. Great Khali is taking on Mr. Ass tonight. I mean Dolph Ziggler. I mean… what’s the difference. Ziggler is out with David Otunga and John Laurinaitis which is actually a huge improvement over bringing the half-dead cattle that is Vickie Guerrero out here. Ziggler is wearing black tights tonight which might mean he’s given up on trying to be Billy Gunn – I like him better as Dolph Ziggler than as Billy Gunn. Ziggler regroups with Team Johnny on the outside but assures them he’s got this. Khali continues to punish him. This is horrible. Christian argues with Booker T who comments negatively on his clothing by telling him that David Beckham calls him for fashion. Booker T calls Christian “worse than Michael Cole to which Christian says “at least I sound GOOD on commentary, Booker.” Ziggler locks in the sleeper and John Laurinaitis hits the ring bell even though Khali didn’t submit or fall asleep and announces Dolph as the winner. Teddy Long is infuriated by this as Christian leaves the booth to celebrate with Team Big Johnny. Teddy restarts the match and says Dolph has until the count of 10 to get back to the ring. Khali wins via countout when Ziggler refuses to go back to the ring. Kofi and Santino rush past Otunga and Laurinaitis and toss Dolph back in the ring anyway where he gets Khali chopped. That is assault and I hope Khali burns in hell.
Big Johnny and Big Davey are not amused.
Neither am I. Can the Miz just… not exist anymore? That would be AWESOME. See what I did there? Yeah, you do. The only thing that can ruin my enjoyment of AJ Lee is a big sad ugly fauxhawked frog standing in the same shots. I’m not even going to justify that with screencaps. Somehow this turns out to be a decent match despite the Miz. Daniel Bryan force-tags Miz and runs away from Sheamus but Miz gets brogue kicked to fucking hell and pinned. Another loss for the Miz has just occurred.
I want to eat spaghetti with AJ Lee like in the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp. Oh, and since I didn’t say it the entire recap: HUMAN TRIPOD ACTIVATED: #OCCUPYAJLEE. Good fucking night.