The 50 Gayest Things Ever (1-10!)
Riv & PanzerMega, 2005/01/26 16:26

Original Postdate: June 2002, revised March 2003

We finally made it to the Top of the list. We greatly appreciate all of the feedback, suggestions, death threats, etc. It will go down as one of life's great mysteries that Will and Grace fans hate the list, but Bodybuilders love it. If anyone can shed some light on this it would be appreciated.

Now enjoy the Top Ten Gayest Things In The World. Read on, and don't be gay.

The Top 10 Gayest Things EVER! (Part 5)

#10 - Allergies

“Aachoo! I’m sorry, I’ve got hay fever”

Look at it this way. If someone has to run to the drug store to pick up some Sudafed because dust is making them sneeze, then they may as well buy some Kotex and a big tub of Vaseline while they’re there.

If you have allergies, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s not that there haven’t been straight guys with allergies before. I believe Rock Hudson and Liberace had allergies too…

#9 - Two-Hand Touch

EXCERPT FROM A TWO HAND TOUCH WEBSITE:

Touch, or touch football, comes from two Rugby codes, Rugby League and Rugby Union. Although the skills of Touch are close to those of these two sports, there is no body contact at all. For example, there are no tackles, scrums, or hard kicking, and there are no goal posts. The emphasis is on running and agility, with hand passing and catching as key skills. As such, Touch is a great mixed sport ideal for both boys and girls.

Touch is played with the aim of moving the ball towards the opponents score line by running and passing the ball backwards to your team mates. The Rugby tackle has been replaced with a simple 'touch' by the defender, followed by a play the ball action (a roll- ball).

Touch has grown rapidly in Australia after starting in the 1960's. Many people play Touch today.

No body contact, no tackles, unisex football. There might as well be no testicles involved in the sport, either. While football in it own can be homosexual, as it features big men in tight pants jumping on each other, two hand touch has even more homosexual implications, especially since the two hands can touch ANY part of your body.

You’ll know that you’re in the wrong game when the opposing teams two hands are on either side of your ass. Two-hand touch is also popular in Australia, the birthplace of homosexuality.

If you play two-hand touch you’re a sissy, there’s no changing that fact, and you should keep it to yourself because if you don’t jasonrivera.com will make fun of you – and to be frank you deserve it.

#8 - Dancing

A lot of people are going to be in denial about this one, but dancing is absolutely, positively gay. There is nothing wrong with chicks dancing because it’s a great excuse to see them shake an ass or bounce a chest. Girls were put on this planet to dance, and to make men peanut butter sandwiches.

The problem with dancing is when you get guys involved. It’s impossible for a guy to look good while dancing. Be it the weird homo-ritual type of dancing found in the first example above, or the just as queer bump and grind style, the need to shake it is ultra-feminine.

There’s an argument to be made about dancing to pick up chicks, and while that is a valid point, the fact of the matter is that a guy will almost always look like a total ‘mo while dancing. The only occasions where it’s not gay for a man to dance is at his wedding, and on his enemies’ graves. No exceptions.

#7 - Speedos

AIGHT SUGAR GIVE ME SOME ASS...

The sad part is that if he wears Speedos he probably enjoys what's happening to him...

#6 - Catholic Priests

The thing about priests is that generally they have a tendency to join the church for one MAIN underlying reason – THEY CANNOT GET LAID. They have two choices – Go gay or join the church – or in some cases BOTH.

Catholic Priests are the ultimate carriers of gay as molesting children only makes more gay people on earth. Both these pictures were taken from the same site and we here at JasonRivera.com have two questions – WHY IS THIS MAN SMILING, and, WHY THE FUCK IS THIS BOY NOT WEARING A SHIRT?!?

Let’s face it. These men rape little boys because little boys don’t say NO as easy as adult women. Moreover, they don’t squeal as much as little girls do. No guy would want to admit to being raped as it’s an attack on their own masculinity. Little boys are a sexual goldmine for rapists.

Sitting on a priest’s lap will NOT bring you closer to God, it will only bring you closer to being a fireman, sailor, hairstylist, mime or any of the other homosexual occupations listed on the site thus far.

#5 - Two Guys In a Horse Costume

Far and away, the queerest costume of all time is the Two Guys In A Horse costume. What says a gay old time more than one man blinding sticking his face in another man’s ass, and nobody complaining about it?

Not that a one man horsey costume is all that high on the Straight Scale… ponies are only one step away from unicorns, you know. But willingly getting into a big soft costume together… nothing good can come out of that.

If you ever have a buddy who suggests the dreaded Two Guys In A Horse costume idea to you around Halloween, the appropriate response is a punch in the teeth and a kick in the ass.

#4 - Unicorns

While not quite the gayest thing in the world, it was never in doubt that unicorns would make the top ten on this list. Unicorns have all of the femininity of a pony, but with the gay-plus addition of an added sparkly horn.

Even amongst little kids, there’s an unwritten rule: Boys dig tanks and ninjas, while only chicks and little queer kids love unicorns. It allows them to role-play as princesses.

Of special note, the Pegasus, which is either a horse or unicorn, but with wings attached, is pretty gay too. In Homo Heaven, the most popular mode of transportation is the unicorn.

#3 - The Navy

The fact that the Village People have a song about the Navy should automatically disqualify anyone in the Navy from being straight, but the extra proof lies in their habits. They’re all away on a boat, at sea with nothing but the company of other men – Do you even need ask what happens next?

At least pirates had the luxury of kidnapping maidens and taking turns with them, but this is the American Government, and raping maidens generally isn’t something America does (except in Vietnam).

If you’re looking for a military future, join the Army, the Air Force, the Marines, anything but the navy – otherwise you’ll have to learn the hard way about getting an anchor in your ass. The plural for men of the sea is Sea-Men, also known as Semen.

#2 - Billy, Carlos, and Tyson

Without a shadow of a doubt, the Billy, Carlos and Tyson dolls, are the gayest action figures in the history of the world. They make the Vernon figure from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles look like a Robocop figure, and nothing is manlier than Robocop.

Available in a wide variety of homosexual stereotypical outfits, the Billy, Carlos and Tyson dolls would steal Barbie’s pink Cadillac, and try to pick up Ken with it instead. These dolls are like the plastic embodiment of this list.

Can you imagine giving one of these toys to a child?

“Go Go Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! Oh no, the Red Ranger has been captured! Who will save the day!?”

Why, none other than Gay Billy, in his bare-chested Santa Claus uniform. Keep away from children…

#1 - Anal Sex

Anal sex is the favorite pastime of gay people everywhere. The whole driving force of being gay is the eventual goal of pillaging an ass. You can argue that people become gay in the hopes of finding that perfect soul mate, regardless of their sex. That not limiting themselves to the opposite sex gives them a better chance of finding their one true love, but that’s ridiculous.

The reality of the situation is the utopian gay experience is sneaking in a little bit of the hairy ass love, in-between re-arranging the furniture and catching the late showing of Cabaret.

Of course, straight couples indulging in the act of anal sex is slightly less gay, due mostly to the presence of a woman.

That about sums it up for the 50 Gayest Things Ever. Remember, watch out for these things, as anyone who has them all within the confines of their home is probably someone you should not drop the soap around any time soon. Oh, and send us hatemail, please. We love that.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com & PanzerMega -