I Survived Soul Survivors!
PanzerMega , 2005/01/22 00:30

Original Postdate: 8-25-2002

Since I’m a massive horror movie fanatic, I’m always on the lookout for a cool scary movie. I’m extremely skeptical about new contributions to the genre because they all seem to end up licking heaping amounts of ass. Well I was proven wrong this week when I picked up a recently released and superbly well crafted horror movie.

It was called Ginger Snaps, and this article has absolutely nothing to do with that movie at all.

No, this article is sadly about Soul Survivor instead, a movie that boasts: “From The Producers of I Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legend”. Ah well, at least I might get to see Eliza Dushku naked.

The basic plot of Soul Survivor goes something like this...

This chick crashes a car and suffers brain damage.

Her two creepy friends survive.

Her boyfriend dies.

Creepy dudes try to kill her.

Her creepy friends start hanging out with the creepy killers.

She is haunted by images of Casey Affleck being alive...

I, too, am haunted by the fact that Casey Affleck is alive. I wish there was something I could do about that. But it turns out that most of the movie was just a bad dream. Sure, there was still a car crash, but only the bad people died, and Casey Affleck miraculously never died in the first place. Talk about your deus ex machina endings.

This revelation officially made Soul Survivors my second favorite movie of all time. The first?

EVERY OTHER FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE IS TIED FOR FIRST!!!

I’ll be fair though; there were a few positives to the movie. I’m not sure if their inclusion was worth sitting through 84 minutes of retarded movie, but at least I can salvage something out of this whole ordeal.

You see, in this movie, Eliza Dushku, the hottest chick in the entire world, is involved in not one but TWO lesbian encounters.

Alas, Eliza Dushku making out with a Rocky Horror lesbian does not a good movie make.

Now that I’ve shown all of the lesbian scenes, as well as ruining the ending of the movie, there is absolutely no reason why anyone who is reading this will ever need to watch Soul Survivors. I feel as though I have done a good deed. Why couldn’t someone have done the same for me with Wild Things?

Finally, because I’m in a generous mood, here are a few more pictures of Eliza Dushku being hot.

I think this girl needs to send me a thank you e-mail. There’s no way I would have paid to see that cheerleading movie Bring It On if she wasn’t in it. Fortunately I recieved Soul Survivors for free. Unfortunately that means that I still had to watch it, and I’ll never get that hour and a half of my life back. Don’t make the same mistake. There are thousands of other movies out there with lesbian scenes and an incomprehensible plot that’ll leave you much more satisfied when they end.

They’re called porn movies.

-- PanzerMega -