Smackdown Is Riv - 6-17-2011
Riv , 2011/06/17 22:35

It's time for Smackdown. The best part of Smackdown? It's not RAW.

Unfortunately I usually have recaps up early but in what seems to be God, WWE, and foreign countries all conspiring against me all that is up is the "International" (see also: fucking neutered) version of Smackdown which lacks several matches, promos and entrances. I don't know when, why, or how the full versions of Smackdown stopped leaking but if you ever see something on YouTube that says "International Version," it's pure shit, even if it did save me from dying while playing the Booker T Drinking Game.

For those who missed it the Booker T Drinking Game means you take a shot for every RIGHT HERE, RIGHT DERE or RIGHT NOW out of his mouth. This is also known as suicide. The Multiplayer version is much more friendly to your liver and comfort of life, as each player gets one of the three phrases and takes a shot. If they don't take the shot and get called on it by another player first, they take a double-shot. This game is my own creation and it is sweeping the entire Internet. Be sure to check out @Guru_TH and @AH_Walker on Twitter, both of whom took the challenge today. I'm not sure if they're still alive, though.

Anyway, it's time for Smackdown and after a hype video showing the history of Randy Orton and Christian as well as Christian's heel turn, we're headed to the ring.

Randy Orton is telling us what we have heard is true... what's that, that he'll go to the papers? He says he was diagnosed with a concussion last week. Some people would call that "karma" for all the punts to the skull. Orton says it's also true he doesn't give a damn and he wants to fight tonight and he wants to beat the hell out of Christian right now, however Teddy Long comes out here, which means Orton won't get what he wants because Teddy is going to ban him from competition and say something like "I can't let you do dat, playa." Teddy says that Orton hasn't gotten medical clearance yet. Maybe he can bring that panel of quack doctors from a few years ago that gave Orton a doctor's note claiming he has Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) to lie for him again.

Christian comes out after this ruling is made. I prefer Christian as a heel no matter how much people love him. Christian claims that he did Orton a favor because by giving him a failure now Orton has an excuse when Christian beats him for the World Heavyweight Title.

Plus Christian just looks like a Creepy Little Bastard. Christian is about to leave after trash talking, Sheamus comes out here and begins complaining about how between Orton's concussion, Christian's whining and Teddy Long's incompetence people forgot that Sheamus beat Orton last week. Sheamus further adds he deserves the match because he has beaten Orton where as Christian has lost 50 matches in a row. Christian says Strawberry Shortcake has to wait in line. The two men begin arguing when Teddy makes a one-on-one match between Sheamus and Christian. If Sheamus wins the match will become a Triple Threat match. Orton can watch the match but Teddy tells Orton there will be serious consequences if he physically gets involved in the match. Orton guarantees Teddy tonight there WILL be serious consequences.

We're told that on Smackdown tonight Ezekiel, Daniel Bryan, and Sin Cara will take on Legacy and Wade Barrett. This match happened on RAW but 5 of the 6 men were bumped to "already in the ring" jobber status and the thing just looked like a sloppy mess. I think the faces won but RAW has a way of making you not care about anything that happens on it, so this is Smackdown's chance to fix it.

Sin Cara makes his way down. I still can't help thinking of Power Rangers or Ultraman when I see him and I absolutely despise his lights. Daniel Bryan and Ezekiel follow. Wade Barrett is keeping custody of the Corre's theme.

WHOA-OA!

Michael Cole says Cody's bag men are getting uglier every week and maybe Cody needs to make the baggers wear the bags too. Interestingly Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes come out together. DiBiase will start the match off with Ezekiel. Sin Cara is tagged in and disposes of DiBiase while Booker T plugs his Twitter. We hit some impromptu commercials.

We come back and Rhodes is in the ring with Sin Cara. Cody gets tossed off of Sin Cara but and rolled around all over the place. 2 count but Rhodes rushes Cara in the face and begins working on his arms. Cody gets countered with kicks but Sin Cara goes for a flipping old-school type manuever, but Rhodes knocks Sin Cara down. DiBiase is tagged in and begins running Sin Cara over with clotheslines and goes for a cover. 2 count. DiBiase looks visibly frustrated. Wade Barrett is tagged in and kicks Sin Cara hard before stretching him. Wade is dominating Sin Cara but Sin Cara DDTs Wade in the middle of his Boss Slam. Bryan is tagged as is DiBiase and Byran is fired up. DiBiase dropped with a clothesline. Bryan is pumping up and the croiwd with him. High Intensity Dropkick in the corner and Bryan gets a three on DiBiase which looks more like a fuck-up from the referee. That's TNA refereeing, RIGHT DERE...

Oh no. I'm infected.

Sheamus is interviewed backstage and puts over the fact he's the biggest star on Smackdown and he belongs in the title match and that he will beat Christian to get into the Title Match and then take his rightful spot as the World Heavyweight Champion.

Smackdown acknowledges the referee made a mistake. Fire this man.

I don't understand what the hell Vladimir Kozlov, RAW superstar is doing here. I also don't understand why Jinder Mahal's music got rid of the chanting guy at the beginning. I also don't understand why Vladdy's about to job to Jinder Mahal. Jinder is still very FCW-like in the ring, and he needs to step it up quickly. Just because Vladimir Kozlov is a higher profile opponent doesn't mean Jinder Mahal is going to gain much in the way of credibility. After a brief match, Khali interferes by Khali-Chopping Kozlov while the ref's back is turned and Jinder follows with his full-nelson slam to get the win. I'm not sold on Jinder.

Josh Mathews is interviewing the Big Show... why? Isn't he ALSO on RAW? Big Show then tells us Alberto Del Rio is going to be here. HE'S ON RAW, TOO! We're shown the video with Big Show screaming in slow motion sounding like Chewbacca dying after Ricardo Rodriguez, Alberto's personal ring announcer hit the Big Show with a car as Del Rio and Ricardo have been mocking him. Teddy Long comes out here. Instead of telling this RAW cracker to get the fuck off his show, Teddy tells Big Show he cannot touch Alberto Del Rio because Del Rio is considering filing criminal charges on Big Show for beating Ricardo within an inch of his life, and that he's been informed if Big Show attacks Alberto Del Rio Teddy will be fired for allowing it and Big Show will be fired for doing it. He then further urinates on us by telling Big Show he has a match with Mark Henry.

Fuck my life.

Big Show quickly knocks Mark Henry out but fucks him up so bad we have to call the paramedics because Big Show could have almost killed the guy.

I hope that that's the World's Strongest Stretcher if they plan to put Mark's fat-ass on it. It better be made of Adamantium.

Christian is interviewed backstage by Matt Striker. Christian says Teddy made a bad call.

Alicia, Tamina, and Rosa are on the way to the ring. Rosa's looking good. Alicia still needs to put back on some weight, and Tamina has a dick.

The opposing team will be AJ, Kaitlyn and Natalya. Man, that almost makes up for how bad this is between AJ being overall hot and Kaitlyn's big ass and short-shorts. Natalya is tagged in and powered down by Tamina whom Natalya has history with. Tamina begins working the leg of Natalya but Natalya rolls through with the Sharpshooter. Rosa knocks Natalya down but gets taken out by Kaitlyn. AJ tags in and begins taking it to Tamina and tries to lock in THE OCTOPUS, but Tamina counters into a Samoan drop and gets the win. FUCK YOU, SMACKDOWN!

Here's Johnny Curtis for his weekly "please remember I won NXT Season 4" segment. He has an "ace in the hole" this week. Aferwards here comes the Obama dream to add insult to injury of what is potentially the worst Smackdown all year long.

The Usos (who are now face by the way) are in the ring to fight Slater and Gabriel who now have new music. I like Justin Gabriel, and I like to hate Heath Slater Ugly Ginger Retarded Lesbian Person. Decent tag match. I might be in the minority but I like Slater for not having any redeeming qualities. The Usos are too fired up and as one of the Usos tries to stop the double team he inadvertently causes more of it as the referee admonishes him. It'll be interesting to see how Gabriel and Slater work without Wade Barrett. Slater uses the hair to take the Uso down and climbs the top rope and but is caught by one of the Usos into a powerslam. Both the Uso in the ring and Slater need to make tags. Gabriel and Jey Uso get in here. Jey Uso with a spinning punch to the face and the running ass slam of Rikishi. Cover and a 2 count on Gabriel. The Usos are looking improved here. Jimmy is tagged in. Spike-up Samoan Drop but Slater breaks it up. The Usos are impressing tonight as well they should since they're almost never used. DDT by Jimmy. Superkick on Slater by Jimmy as Jey hits the Snuka Splash and a huge win for the Usos. Crowd is reacting to them as well.

Alberto Del Rio is here. I honestly don't care anymore. I'm starting to agree with the naysayers. WWE didn't strike with the iron when it's hot. Now it's played out. I'm tired of the "my name is" with the excessive and over-dramatic rolling of the R. I actually enjoy Ricardo more than I do Alberto as part of this gimmick and he's now "dead" thanks to the Big Show. Del Rio has not even wrestled much since the draft. We're told there are rumors Alberto is trying to negotiate his way back to Smackdown but he tries to play it off that it has nothing to do with him being afraid of the Big Show and shows us the horrible act of violence by Big Show on Ricardo.

Alberto begins to talk about Ricardo's wife and kids (who don't exist) and how he's a descendent of Montezuma and Alberto will get revenge for this respected member of the community. I also enjoy how Alberto is acting like Ricardo died. Big Show comes out here and chases him into the crowd. I can't say I care much although I'm curious as to whether or not Alberto will be coming back to Smackdown where he can actually be utilized. Oh. and Big Show threw chairs and overturned the announce table. He does this so much that I can't say I care.

Christian is out here for the main event against Sheamus and again if Sheamus wins he will be part of the main event. Randy Orton comes out and sits in the chair at ringside while watching this match. Christian is sent to the outside and Orton stares him down making Christian hesitate as Sheamus knocks him down from the outside again. We come back and it seems Christian is now in control. Irish Curse backbreaker on Christian turns things back into the favor of Sheamus. This match goes back and forth and Christian tries to use the ropes for leverage and as he argues with the referee it allows Sheamus to regain control again. Sheamus props Christian on the top turnbuckle which is a big mistake since it allows him to hit the tornado DDT. Christian throws one of those old school heel-Christian tantrums when Sheamus isn't kept down for a three. He's taking too much time here and sizes Sheamus up for the Spear only to get his head damn near clotheslined off. Sheamus goes for a cover now. 2 count. Christian goes for the Unprettier. Sheamus turns it around, Brogue Kick attempt misses. Christian turns it around again. Sheamus now begins clubbing on Christian as Christian attempts to climb to the top rope. Christian jumps to the outside and bounces Sheamus' head off the ringpost knocking him damn near unconscious. Christian gets the win and afterwards Orton gives chase. Christian escapes and Orton instead turns his attention to Sheamus who is unconscious in the ring and smiles at the thought of doing something horrible to him. Orton puts his belt down and stares at Christian who watches on from the ramp as Sheamus is PUNTED. IN. THE. SKULL. Well, that sort of takes Sheamus out of the picture. Usually the punt means you take a one month vacation.

I am taking a one month vacation from RAW but if Smackdown ever does this to me again I'll dump WWE entirely. This is easily the worst show of the year for the Blue Brand, although there were some good moments, it's really sad when Impact has a better show this week than the WWE.

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com