Smackdown is Riv - 4-29-2011
Riv , 2011/04/29 15:40

Getting right to it quick, it's Smackdown. It's not some lame royal wedding anyone is watching but it's the last stop before the Extreme Rules Pay-Per-View, the first show after the WWE Draft, which Deadly and I did a full comprehensive report on which you should read, and it's time to recap.

WWE Signature along with a Draft recap. John Cena to Smackdown then back to RAW is such a waste of time and turned that Battle Royal into a waste of time. Oh, and Mark Henry turned heel. Sadly despite the fact that Smackdown has a new roster they did not change their stupid music. Everything has been adjusted to accommodate the new roster. Oh look, Ted DiBiase somehow got put in the intro. Maybe that means he will get used on this show and actually win matches.

Tonight Show-Kane will take on Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater Ugly Ginger Retard in a rematch. We're told Rey Mysterio is RAW-bound but taking on Mark Henry tonight. Smackdown is starting off with its newest acquisition, Randy Orton. It appears that now that Randy Orton is no longer on the same show as John Cena they no longer raise his music as to mute his crowd reaction.

Randy looks a bit inebriated here. Is he going to steal being drunk in a public place from Kurt Angle, too? Orton can barely finish his promo over the fact the Smackdown crowd is going nuts over him. It's been five years since Randy Orton has been on Smackdown. He tells us despite the move he has unfinished business with CM Punk at Extreme Rules.

Before he can finish Drew McIntyre interrupts with really dirty hair and a mini-almost porno mustache thing going. Oh there's also the fact he has a Monday Night RAW shirt on.

This kid looks like he was going to cry as he booed McIntyre, maybe that's because with his hair a mess and that grouty facial hair Drew looks like a creepy pedophile. Drew McIntyre says there is bad news for everyone and that's that while Randy Orton is now on Smackdown Drew McIntyre is now on Monday Night RAW. Drew claims this is a shame because the WWE is going to have to wait a little bit longer before they see Drew McIntyre vs. Randy Orton. This match already happened on RAW or something a few months ago. Drew lost.

Drew tells us he's just out here to say hello... and good-bye. He cheapshots Randy Orton and tries to put him in the Futureshock DDT but Randy Orton is NOT a member of Team Futureshock DDT (That's reversed for JTG, Trent Baretta and Chris Masters), he reverses into an RKO and knocks Drew out. Randy tries to continue his promo when JOBBER THEME #7 plays and Alex Riley comes out here. Wow. that music his horrible. The titantron is horrible too but that's to be expected when they have to make you look good on it despite the fact you haven't won a single match.

Last time I saw a face like that it yelled GARBAGE DAY before shooting a man taking out the trash. Alex Riley sort of has a slight resemblance to the villain from Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 - but the very unhappy Alex Riley is out to make a statement, says Michael Cole. Unlike Drew McIntyre he doesn't get a single word in before Randy Orton immediately RKOs the fucking shit out of him. Hopefully this keeps going until everyone drafted that's here gets RKOed. Finally someone who will not be RKOed in 15 seconds, Alberto Del Rio decides to interrupt Randy Orton.

Team Del Rio is still intact... for now. Brodus did not move to RAW like Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez did. Alberto Del Rio calls Randy "Randall." CM Punk has started something. Del Rio feels bad for the people because they are losing Alberto from Smackdown and after Extreme Rules they will lose the World Heavyweight Championship because Alberto Del Rio plans to bring it to RAW. Alberto says Randy Orton can make a good first impression but Alberto Del Rio knows how to make a lasting one. Christian rushes the ring and backs Orton up. Teddy Long comes out here next and decides the main event for tonight will be Randy Orton and Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio and Brodus Clay.

Alberto winks at the two faces and escapes while Brodus Clay gets dropkicked off the apron by Christian. The heels retreat. I really wish the Green Day Smackdown Theme had been drafted to a recycle bin. Kofi Kingston is now on RAW but we will see him tonight on Smackdown. He's immediately jumped by his opponent tonight, Sheamus. Sheamus beats the living fuck out of Kofi and tosses him to the security walls a few times before stomping him and dropping repeated knees. The United States Champion, Sheamus is just a little bit pissed off that Kofi beat him on Monday and tosses Kofi into the steel steps.

I love how Kofi Kingston's gimmick is "that guy who gets jumped and beaten up all the fucking time." I everyone praises Kofi Kingston for his impressive vertical leap, but all that doesn't mean shit. He spends most of his time horizontal on the fucking floor.

Brogue Kick to the skull. I bet Evan Bourne won't miss eating one of those on RAW once a month for the obligatory "Sheamus squashes Evan Bourne" match we always get. I am however a bit worried this means Kofi Kingston will go over Sheamus in an impromptu match at Extreme Rules so that RAW can have the United States title back seeing as Wade Barrett is still the Intercontinental Champion and still on Smackdown as well.

Booker T is so impressed by Sheamus who yells "THIS SHOW BELONGS TO ME!" that he forgot that he usually sucks Kofi's dick verbally. Booker claims that maybe this will teach Kofi to stop dancing around and take care of business.

Michael Cole looks a battered housewife. He introduces another RAW acquisition and his personal trainer ...

CHECK ONE-TWO, AWW YEAH!

The only thing that's over about Cole's affiliation with Jack Swagger is the VICTORY LAP. Other than that this Cole angle can fuck off. Jack Swagger is taking on Sin Cara tonight; so much for Swagger leaving Smackdown on top instead of looking like a human ballsac. The crowd is already wearing Sin Cara masks. Thanks to Smackdown's pre-taped status Sin Cara actually does his entrance without botching. This is because of the fact they can play with the camera angles and edit all day. Now if they can edit Sin Cara to not be a twat backstage maybe he'd be improved.

We're reminded how 3 weeks ago Sin Cara jumped Jack Swagger and humiliated him. Swagger kicks him immediately and goes for a takeover headlock. Swagger knows he's the bigger man and uses it to his advantage for a while but Cara begins chopping Swagger down like a tree with kicks and then an old-school into a flipping armdrag. Swagger runs him the fuck over upon landing however and begins dropping elbows. Cole is not commentating, as he is at ringside.

Swagger tosses Sin Cara to the floor and immediately starts doing the Jack Swagger push-ups on top of him. This might be the greatest new move in Swagger's arsenal. If you all are wondering why I'm such a huge fan of Jack Swagger it is because I hate most of you and Jack Swagger's World Title reign trolled pretty much the entire Internet Wrestling Community. It was WWE's way of telling all of you to go fuck yourselves. And I for one can help but agree with that. I hope he wins the title again so we can have 28 minute celebrations of all the trophies he has won in his life. That was an epic promo and if you didn't like it, well... you don't matter.

Swagger tosses Cara into the turnbuckle on the opposite side of the ring. Swagger launches Cara into another corner. Sin Cara is in trouble. Textbook bodyslam by the All-American American but Sin Cara gets the knees up when Swagger goes for the Swagger Bomb. The problem I have with the Swagger Bomb is the fact that either Jack Swagger misses/gets countered on the first one or if he actually hits a first one he will go for a second one which will either miss/get countered. If the second one connects he will go for a third one. It's completely conceivable that if people didn't counter the Swagger bomb he would do an entire match of nothing but that move but the point is every time he does it you know he's going to get countered. Sin Cara hits a reverse springboard elbow and a flying head-scissors. Cara hits an upside down kick to the head of Jack Swagger and goes for a move off the ropes but gets booted by Swagger. As the referee's back is turned Swagger is handed a belt by Michael Cole but Sin Cara rolls Jack Swagger up for a three-count and Michel Cole is furious at Jack Swagger.

I have a bad feeling that either Swagger is turning face or he's going to be exiled on Planet #Losing where Ted DiBiase was. The RAW creative team is like those comic book writers who hate Colossus and kill him off from X-Men all the time until another writer takes over and goes "I actually LIKE Colossus" and bring him back.

After the match an infuriated Swagger tries to run Cara over but Sin Cara holds the top rope down and Swagger falls to the outside then Sin Cara pursues with a cross-body to the outside.

Sin Cara sure points a lot. I wish the crowd watching was older than age 7 so they could steal Hogan's "YOU" and yell it every time Sin Cara does it.

We're reminded that Show-Kane are on separate brands. Of course they can be on both shows until such time as they lose the Tag Team Championship and to my knowledge they have only one known weakness:

KENNY!

JOHNNY!

MITCH!

NICKY!

MIKEY!

AND THEY ARE... THE SPIRIT SQUAD!

Another promo for Kharma (the wrestler formerly known as Awesome Kong) is shown. I'd like to think that when Kong isn't actively wrestling her hobbies include ripping the heads off dolls at Toys R Us all day.

The Corre is out here. Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel seem to be arguing on the way to the ring. Ezekiel and Wade Barrett aren't out here. We're shown how last week Ezekiel basically said Heath Slater is the jobber of the group and Gabriel has begun to think the same.

Ugly Ginger Retard Possibly Not a Man But Just an Ugly Lesbian Heath Slater is being dominated by Big Show but chop-blocks his leg and Gabriel begins running Big Show's head over with kicks all over the place but Big Show kicks out and tosses Gabriel to the outside. Slater is back in and keeping Show down during the break. Big Show goes for a chokeslam but Gabriel rolls through with a counter. Gabriel and Slater keep making constant quick tags, keeping Big Show isolated in the corner and slowed down and generally trying to take him out entirely. Big Show is back up to his feet and drops Gabriel off of his back but Big Show needs desperately to tag as well. Unfortunately for Slater Kane is in the ring now thanks to the tag. Kane kicks Slater in the face and goes for a cover. Two-count. Kane whips Slater the corner, follows with a clothesline and drops him with the sidewalk slam. Two-count again. Kane on the top rope and he hits the flying clothesline. Slater is being sized up for the chokeslam. Gabriel tries to counter and gets choked too but they manage to kick Kane and get out. Big Show is back in however and the Corre get double chokeslammed allowing Show-Kane to keep the tag titles around their waist.

Wow. Just wow. It's as if everything I hate about life just got put in one image. All it really needs now is Hornswoggle.

They run into some other Indian guy backstage. I thought it was just Matt Striker after some horrible accident with a tanning bed. Since they all talk to each other in Indian I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I suddenly remember this guy was on FCW when I recapped it a few weeks ago and his name is Jinder Mahal. In the ring Rey Mysterio gets the mic and says it's going to be hard leaving Smackdown. He says this Sunday at Extreme Rules he's going to defeat Cody Rhodes and celebrate with his fans. The newly heel Mark Henry is on the way to the ring. Why the fuck is he smiling? Does he realize he turned heel? Mark Henry has the mic and manages to talk without eating it. Mark Henry says it's unfortunate for Rey that his farewell is Mark Henry's debut. Didn't Mark Henry put Rey Mysterio out the last time he was a member of Smackdown?

Mysterio tries to kick at Mark's knees so the World's Strongest Man begins choking Rey Mysterio out. Rey goes to the outside to regroup. Henry gets kicked in the face as he rushes Rey several times. Rey slides under the feet of Mark Henry but Mark Henry charges Mysterio and runs him over. The former ECW champion drags Rey around the ring and steps on him with both feet. Mark gets his legs chopped by the kicks again but flattens Rey with a clothesline. Mark is actually better as a heel - always has been. Rey is tossed to the outside but as Mark Henry pursues Rey dropkicks the knees of Mark Henry. Henry tosses Rey into the steel steps but as he charges Rey ducks and Mark runs those bad knees right into the steps giving Rey a chance to fight back up. After commercials we see Rey baseball slide Mark Henry in the corner and climb the top rope. These guys are fighting like new knees are on the line. Rey is flattened yet again by Mark Henry. I might have to retract my "too little too late" statement on Mark Henry's heel turn. It's good to see he's no longer the Goddamn Kool-Aid Man. Mark launches Rey Mysterio like a dart into the turnbuckle corner. Mark takes a little too much time as he decides to drop his ass on the chest of Rey Mysterio so he falls on it. Mysterio baseball slides Henry and goes to the outside and to the top rope. Rey hits a senton and goes for a cover but Henry power-press kickouts Rey off of him. Mark charges the corner but misses. Dropkick to the legs puts Mark Henry in 619 position. Rey is about to go off the top rope when Cody Rhodes comes out here in his American Psycho suit and attacks him causing Henry to get disqualified.

Rey gets his ass kicked by Rhodes who tosses him over the security wall and head-butts him with the plastic mask. Cody Rhodes begins dragging Rey into the crowd and up the steel steps. Rey tries to fight out but Cody regains control and tosses Rey back over the wall to the ringside area. Cody tosses Rey back into the ring where Mark Henry is waiting. Mark drops Rey with the World's Strongest Slam. Rhodes stares at the ring as Mark takes his leave, laughing at this whole thing. Rhodes has the brown bag.

Yes! I really hope a bunch of Cody Rhodes fans bring their own brown bags to Extreme Rules.

Lay-Cool's music hits as Michelle walks to the ring pissed off. Michelle McCool's had enough of Layla and the team has imploded. They're still using the same entrance right now. If you had any confusion as to which one is the heel here, Michael Cole is condemning Layla for everything which means that Layla is face. The two begin locking up and Michelle powers Layla down. They start rolling around on the ring beating each other back and forth. Michelle tosses Layla to the security wall over and over. Layla kicks Michelle hard to the gut then bounces her head off the security wall. Layla gets kicked back in the head by Michelle and both women have been counted out. Referees come out to try to split this up. Crowd is furious and starts a LET THEM FIGHT chant. Layla and Michelle begin to lock up again but are broken up quickly be the referees.

Layla puts out the challenge. Extreme Rules - No disqualification. Michelle says Layla is nothing without her so Michelle not only accepts but there's one condition. The loser leaves the entire WWE. Initial reports said this was just "loser leaves Smackdown," however it appears that Michelle might be legitimately done with the company after Extreme Rules.

Matt Striker interviews Christian backstage. Christian talks about his injury at the hands of Alberto Del Rio and that his career is almost over. Fast-forwarding to today it's his best friend Edge whose career has ended. Christian wonders if he's just in the right place at the right time. Christian never felt like he had the right to touch the belt but that this Sunday at Extreme Rules it's his destiny to win the World title and earn the right to keep it. This match could really go either way.

This match begins. Christian and Brodus Clay lock up and Brodus overpowers Christian in the early going. Christian slaps the taste out of the mouth of Brodus Clay and begins firing away on him. Brodus tosses Christian into the corner and Christian with the speed reverses and escapes. Brodus runs Christian over and tags in Del Rio now that Christian is down. Running kick. Orton is tagged in at this point and stares a hole through Brodus as he works over Del Rio. I believe this is Del Rio's first encounter with the Viper. Orton drops the knee and goes for a cover. Two-count. Del Rio drops Orton on the arm. They have to be careful on the shoulder-injury-prone Randy Orton here. Brodus is in now and starts to steam-roll Orton as we hit commercials. We come back and Brodus is still in control. Alberto Del Rio is tagged in and begins kicking Orton. Dropkick to the back of the head of the former WWE Champion. Del Rio goes for a pin. Two-count. Del Rio fires away on the face of Orton and locks him in a headlock in the middle of the ring. Orton is just an inch away from a tag despite this but Del Rio drags him back. Orton counters into a side suplex. Both men are down.

I still say Brodus looks like Donkey Kong. No that's not a racist statement. Just truth. Look at his hair and facial structure. Brodus and Christian are tagged in. Christian ducks underthe clothesline and strikes Clay a few times. Christian is using his speed but tries to whip Brodus to a turnbuckle corner. Brodus counters but Christian kicks Brodus in the face as he tries to follow up then follows with a missile dropkick. Christian strikes Brodus in the face. Christian's thinking Tornado DDT but Brodus catches Christian and drops him with a fallaway slam. Brodus only gets a two-count. Brodus distracts the referee while Del Rio kicks Christian in the back of the head. Del Rio is tagged back in and begins working on the arm of Christian but Christian fights back up. Del Rio rushes Christian but gets tossed over the top rope. Christian is crawling to make the tag. Can he do it before Del Rio recovers? Brodus is tagged in first and manages to stop Christian. Brodus gives Christian a backbreaker and then gives him a bodyslam. Another slam is successful. Del Rio is tagged in and hits a senton. When he doesn't get the 3 count he begins stomping Christian like a grape, then points at the World title hanging above the ring before going for another cover. Alberto hits a running kick to the chest of Christian. Christian fights his way back up and delivers a frankensteiner. Randy Orton is tagged in and hits the powerslam on Alberto. The crowd is fired up as Orton hits the No-Longer-Angle-Slam on Del Rio and follows with an Orton second-rope DDT. Orton knocks Brodus down before sizing Alberto up for the RKO. Alberto counters and tosses Orton into Brodus who trips Orton. Alberto tags Brodus who is immediately RKOed and put down for a three count.

Smackdown comes to a close and the fate of the World Title will be decided this Sunday. Will Del Rio win the World Title because it is destiny or will Christian win the World Title because it is sympathy?

-- Riv - jasonrivera@jasonrivera.com